Ask the Ice Moms: My Son Wants to Figure Skate

This week’s question comes from two different moms:

Parent #1: Help. I think I have a Billy Elliot on ice. So I signed him up for pre-alpha. I rented skates. When I put them on him, his face was glowing. As predicted, he fell down. A lot. But every time, he got back up with a look of resolute determination. I’ve never seen that in him before. After the class, he was all smiles. And so we went back Sunday. And he asked to go back on Monday. Uh oh.

Knowing nothing of skates, I decided to look for a pro shop to invest in quality skates if we are going to be doing this regularly. He adores them. He wears them so proudly. Now, three weeks in to my adventure in ice skating, I see him growing bolder on the ice, attempting turns and gliding, falling less, his face positively alight. We go to the rink whenever we can, and each time it’s something he looks forward to so much.

Last week we took off our skates by the trophy case. Big mistake. “I want a trophy,” he said.

My husband says, “well, maybe he can play hockey.”

No. He wants to figure skate.

My coworkers are all talking hockey.

He wants to figure skate, I say.

They make jokes about that Weir person.

I’ve never seen my son so enthusiastic about anything. He begs to go back to the rink to practice. I don’t want his enthusiasm shut down or darkened by this homophobic nonsense. He’s six, for pity’s sake. Can we not ascribe sexuality at six?

How can I help encourage him through a sport seemingly dominated by girls and dresses, and people making stupid comments like that? He truly enjoys this, but I don’t want him to get hurt.
Thanks so much for your time.

Parent #2: I have an 11-year-old son who has been skating for the past six years, and although I know most people who visit your site have daughters, I’ve seen a few posts from parents of boys.  My question for which I’d love to get feedback is, how do you help your son deal with the inevitable teasing from the small-minded tweens and adolescents (boys mostly) who think figure skating is just for girls?  And I know that most of them get this attitude handed down to them from their parents, never mind that my son is in better physical shape than most of their sons.  My son loves the sport and the teasing won’t make him quit, but now he doesn’t talk about it with his peers and tries to fly under the radar.

From Skatermom p, mother of an intermediate-level male figure skater

Parent #1:

Ice skating has so much to offer boys. It is very athletic, incredibly difficult, you use your brain and get physically strong and you build discipline (and if he ever wants to switch to hockey, chances are he will be a star )

The short answer is that people are people, and they will make all sorts of comments that are hurtful to our developing boys without thinking. Open and keep open a dialog with your son. As the need arises, address issues you see or hear your son bringing up. At his current age, he will probably not have too many deep questions, keep it light, affirming and reassuring. When he gets older, you might need to delve deeper into the stereotypes and things like that, but what I have found is that my conversations are mainly about my son’s own self esteem and feeling strong about his choices (vs. what his peers say), things that a normal teen goes through. 5th grade was especially difficult for us. If you are comfortable with him in figure skating, then he will be too. A good book for you to read is “Real Boys” by William Pollack. If he will, get your hubby to read it too. Sorry, it’s been a while since my DS was young, if I happen to think of any other books, I’ll post it later.

The longer answer is (and I can go on and on, please excuse!):

If your son loves to skate, you will find much support in the figure skating community. We need more boys! Girls benefit when boys skate because they are potential partners, and more girls then have a chance to compete in different disciplines such as ice dancing and pairs. Just because of low numbers (relatively speaking compared to girls), boys have a really good chance at competing at higher levels if they just continue skating (and practicing). It’s a sad but true fact, that girls outnumber boys significantly.

Heehee–bring your son up to have a sense of humor with it, (when he gets older) he can come back to any snide comment with “hey, what boy wouldn’t want to be in a ratio of 1:25 good looking girls in tights?”

My experience has been that moms and dads of boys who figure skate are a very nice and welcoming group in general. We love to encourage younger boys to skate and really worry about ways to keep our boys in skating through the hardest teen years. If you are in a boy populated region, then that’s great, if you are in a boy-scarce region, then you will have a few more challenges keeping your child skating through the teen years, but it is completely do-able.

I can only speak for living in the North American culture, but it is very sad how many people carry stereotypes of male skaters. The “wanna be macho” culture is stifling our boys. It’s not just the men, but women too. You will have to be strong and hopefully get your hubby on board because his attitude can really make or break your son’s experience on the ice. Bring him to the rink to skate with your son, keep him in the loop of all his accomplishments. Let him be a part of your son’s enthusiasm.

We moms and dads of figure skating boys will actively seek each other out and encourage and support our sons. We cultivate friends, try to skate when other boys are out there and go out of our way to befriend boys from different clubs and regions. Feel free to email me if you want to talk more.

Get a good coach. One who has worked with boys or has a son or is willing to do Transformers or Star Wars programs. There are really cool things boys can to and they are by no means feminine.

The issue of gender/sexual orientation questions is real, and there are very important times when this can potentially affect boys more (stages of development), just keep your ears open and nip the issues in the bud. Even though my DS is a young teen, I screen the articles he reads (easy because he doesn’t search them out) or clips he watches so that the real huge horrible things that the media say about skaters like Johnny Weir, or the Elvis Stojko Skate Canada fiasco don’t come to his ears. As he gets older, he will be more mature and able to deal with it, but for now, I will protect him from the stupidity of adults as long as I can, and as the need arises, we will have conversations about this topic.

Good luck!

Parent #2:

I have been there and done that, so I totally feel for you and your son. DS is in his early teens now, but he went through a really rough patch when he was in 5th grade. He got through it to the other side in 6th grade. This developmental time is when the kids start to see what is outside of them and when peers start to mean more to them than before. I think that 13 and possibly 16 is also another big developmental leap where I’ve seen other boys quit due to peer pressure.

When DS turned 11 or so, he also went under the radar. He learned to keep quiet about his competitions and didn’t converse with his peers about them. That was totally fine and natural. He could talk to some of the girls about it, and one even told him not to bother watching “Blades of Glory” since it was dumb. One nice thing that his teacher did was to invite all the kids to a competition and drove them with some other volunteer parents. I was surprised and pleased to see how much the “jocks” supported DS and cheered the loudest when he jumped or did a flying spin. This did much to help DS see that the kids weren’t all so negative about his skating and it educated the kids about what he was really doing.

Eventually DS learned how to choose genuine friends, he has wonderful friendships with a select few from his old class, and has figured out that the “jocks” and “cool” guys are really not worth his time. It was a looong few years, but we made it out the other side and DS is more confident in himself now.

He doesn’t hide his skating anymore, but he doesn’t advertise it to everyone either. It is something that he does, not who he is. It’s a nice balance.

I think what helped us the most was talking it out when there was something bothering him. Doing the normal parental thing of teaching tolerance of other people and their “behaviors”, and re-affirming my child’s worth to him. And having a sense of humor. Laughing about comments like “figure skating is not a sport” yup right, hahahaha.

From Seasonedsk8rmom, adult figure skater and mother of a teen female figure skater

Parents of male skaters I give you a lot of credit for supporting your young men and their interest in figure skating.

Parent #1 and #2 don’t let your husband and friends discourage you and especially your son. This is a great learning experience for your whole family. Tolerance and understanding diversity is what helps our country to grow out of the archaic mentality of discrimination and prejudice. I understand how you and your son feels. I’m biracial, my mother is Caucasian and my father is African American. When I was growing up and before Debbie Thomas became a famous competitive figure skater, many people would tell me that African American people can not figure skate this is a sport for white people. I’m so grateful that my mom kept me interested in skating because without mothers like you and my mother than there would be no male skaters and no minority skaters today.

If your son is getting teased or having problems then give him great male figure skating role models to look up to and show his peers that not all male skaters are homosexuals. In fact the majority of male skaters today are heterosexual. The current Olympic and World Champion is a heterosexual male skater.

Unfortunately, many men and boys do not watch or have an interest in figure skating so they do not see how the sport has evolved athletically, not just artistically.

Also you can encourage your son to go into pairs skating or ice dancing. Because when the male is skating with a partner who is female it looks like they could potentially have an interest in the girls they are skating with and can subdue the prejudicial comments people make. There are also so many female skaters out their that need good pairs and ice dancing partners.

As far as your husband is concerned I would have him get involved with your sons skating and let him see how much his son enjoys skating. It may well be that your son will grow up to become a homosexual male if that is the case you should still love and support him in whatever he does and whomever he becomes.

Parent #2 and Parent #1
Have your son tell the small minded tweens that he will have more girls interested in him because he is a figure skater. He is around girls all the time. He will learn how to socialize with girls. Some girls, especially girls who figure skate, are attracted to boys who figure skate because they have a common interest. When your son shows up to the school dance with a hot figure skater on his arm than the idiots with no hot girls will have nothing to say. Also if your son is being harassed by small minded hockey players, have your son challenge the hockey boys to a race skating backwards. I guarantee your son, if he is a strong skater, will beat those hockey players with his eyes closed. If they see that he is a better skater than they are then they will not have anything more to say because they will be too embarrassed. I hope this helps

From PairsMom, mother to a male pairs skater who won the gold medal in intermediate pairs at Junior Nationals in December 2009
Parent #1

My son would see me watching figure skating events on TV and then after playing soccer for a couple of seasons, decided that he wanted me to watch HIM skating on TV and so his quest began. I think we need to encourage kids to “do what they like to do” and whatever motivates them. My son, he has a “need for speed” and when he was younger that is probably the main reason he was attracted to this sport. Kids come and go from all different kinds of sports experimenting with what they like to do. If he is showing progress and determination then I say “Go for it!” because he is doing something that is great exercise and a sport that he can continue into adulthood and even with his own kids some day.

Yes, we started going to classes and from there got a coach and skates. If he is showing improvement and enjoys the practicing then find a coach and the coach will guide him into the competitive part if you are interested. From that point you are 1) working towards a goal 2) improving skills 3) learning to deal with success and disappointment 4) seeing your hard work pay off along with countless other life lessons and that can’t be bad at all!

We are fortunate to come from a rink that has a good number of boys that skate and a couple of male coaches too. Sometimes we get funny looks from people but I don’t feel the need to explain anything just that he is doing great and his skating is really improving, etc. and besides that it is a well known fact the figure skaters skate faster than hockey players! You don’t get to do any jumps in hockey and therefore he found that to be boring.

Parent #2

I think it is important as parents to teach our kids to be “accepting” of their peers and supportive in whatever they decide to do.
My teenage boy gets lots of attention from the teenage girls at the rink and therefore his friends are very envious of this. Honestly, and I asked him this, he said he hasn’t had problems with alot of teasing. Most of his friends are supportive of what he does and vice-versa. Some friends even come to the rink while he is training because they know he will introduce him to all the pretty girls that are his close friends and training partners. Maybe have a birthday party or end -of-school party for his class or group of friends and you may find them asking your son to teach them how to skate! They will see first-hand how much work goes into this sport and understand why he is in such good physical condition.

Well, parents? What do you think? Do you have sons in figure skating? How do you handle these very real issues? What advice would you offer these parents?

Do you have a question for Ice Mom or the Advisory Board? Are you an expert at something and would like to appear on Ask the Expert? Do you have an idea for a post you’d like to see? I love e-mail, so send me one! icemom.diane@gmail.com

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Photo credits:
Jumping boys: OliverAlex at Flickr.com Creative Commons
Boys about to water wrestle: kevindooley at Flickr.com Creative Commons
Wet rugby players: kelsey e. at Flickr.com Creative Commons
Twin boys splashing: docentjoyce at Flickr.com Creative Commons