Cyberbullying at the Rink: What Should Parents Do?

Jo Ann Schneider-Farris, the About.com Figure Skating Guide, wrote about cyberbullying at the rink. Here’s part of what she had to say:

At some rinks, skaters get in other skaters’ way on purpose. Skaters can pull other skaters’ music out of line. Figure skating coaches sometimes encourage their students to cheer for certain skaters and to not support others in the same club. Skaters fight over ice time and over a coach’s attention. Written recognition of skaters’ achievements that have been posted on bulletin boards at ice arenas have been covered up, torn down, or defaced. Also some skaters say negative things about others.

It is bad enough that these bullying situations happen in the figure skating world at all, but when they are brought to the internet, something that can seem minor can get out of hand.

This is a topic that really resonates with me because in my 9-5 job as an education writer, I write a lot about this subject. I’m also lucky to have interviewed some experts on the topic and I’ve learned from them. Hinduja and Patchin are two of the nation’s leading experts on cyberbullying.

According to Sameer Hinduja and Justin Patchin, founders of the Cyberbullying Research Center, cyberbullying is:

“[…] when someone repeatedly makes fun of another person online or repeatedly picks on another person through email or text message or when someone posts something online about another person that they don’t like.”

Let’s face it: our kids are wired. Not just on sugar – but in a literal sense. Nearly every middle school student (90 – 95 percent) carries a cell phone. In a recent Project Tomorrow Speak Up report, researchers found that the biggest complaint among students is that they have to power down when they pass through the school’s double doors. Our kids are digital natives who communicate electronically when left to their own devices; however, at school the teachers, the firewalls, and the limited amount of technology keep them from learning and communicating in a way that’s natural for them. According to the report, our kids’ technology habits aren’t a distraction. They’re leading us adults into the future and showing us how to use electronic devices in ways we hadn’t thought of. And they’re doing it for an average of 39 hours/week. Wonder why your skater’s room isn’t clean? Check her Facebook page.

During those 39 hours/week, our kids are chatting, texting, surfing, and yes, picking on one another. It’s happening at school, and, as Schneider-Farris pointed out, it’s probably happening at the rink.

How do you know it’s happening?
Well, that’s the problem, isn’t it? Hinduja and Patchin found that 60 percent of teens don’t say anything when they’re the victims of cyberbullying. Instead, we have to be observant.

Is the skater avoiding the rink or avoiding school?
Is the skater not using her cellphone or computer like she used to?
Is the skater withdrawing from friends or not socializing like she normally does?

What can you do?
The reason kids don’t say anything about cyberbullying is that they don’t want to lose their stuff. Many parents take the attitude that the victim can just turn off the phone or the computer to solve the problem. Unfortunately, it doesn’t solve it. The hateful messages pass from one kid’s phone to another’s computer, even if the victim is offline.

Taking away the victim’s phone and computer punishes her for someone else’s actions. It also removes her from her support group who will be on Facebook and Twitter. She needs their positive messages.

Instead of pulling the plug, it’s better to:

Have the discussion. Make sure lines of communication are open before a cyberbullying incident starts. Ask your skater to teach you about texting, Twitter, and chat. Keep the conversation going and ask your skater what she would do if she were a victim of cyberbullying or if a close friend was a victim.
Talk about what’s appropriate for texting and Internet use. Ask your teen what the difference is between someone bullying another kid face-to-face and bullying someone online. Be clear about what your teen can share online and what is unwise to share online. Use the preacher-teacher-employer-parent standard: if the words would embarrass your teen in front of any of those four, she shouldn’t put them online.
Friend your skater online. As a requirement for use of online services, your skater should allow you to observe as her online chaperone.

We haven’t had a problem with cyberbullying at our rink – that I know of. That’s not to say it won’t happen. It’s best to have a plan of action with your skater before anything happens so you both know how you’ll handle it. Think your kid is too young for cyberbullying? Studies show that bullying behavior emerges around 11-13 years old.

Well, parents? What do you think? Have you had problems with cyberbullying at the rink or at school? How did you handle it? Is it ever a good idea to know your skater’s online usernames and passwords? Should parents read their skater’s e-mail or texts with or without their knowledge?

References:
Schneider-Farris, J. (2010) “Does Cyber Bullying Exist In the Figure Skating World?” About.com: Figure Skating. http://figureskating.about.com/od/figureskatingparents/i/cyberbullying.htm Accessed 5/3/10.
Hinduja, S. and Patchin, J. (2010) “What is Cyberbullying?” Cyberbullying Research Center. http://cyberbullying.us/blog/what-is-cyberbullying.html Accessed 5/3/10.

Photo Credits:
Girl texting: Niccolò Caranti on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Guy texting at the rink: Petirrojo on Flickr.com Creative Commons

http://www.Halushki.com Jozet at Halushki

Phew! This is a topic near and dear. My kids have been bullied, have been the bullies, and have stood by and watched other kids get bullied without saying anything. All three situations need an action plan, and I'm still in the midst of figuring it all out. It's hard see you child being bullied and not want to go into Mama Bear mode and just tangle with everyone in sight who is responsible or who didn't do anything to stop it – or, who has a different definition of “bullying” than you do (as in “Oh, it's just kids being kids.” Argh!)

However, it's even harder to admit when it's my child being the bully – saying mean things, purposely ignoring certain children to make them feel bad, making some other child's life a little less happy. And just as bad is knowing my child stood by and said nothing or did nothing while another child was being hurt – I know it's a complicated situation, but we have a zero tolerance policy in our family, and knowing that my child stood by warrants at least a discussion (what could you have done without making yourself a target, let's think about how the other child felt, when do you stand up for others and make yourself a target anyway because it's the right thing to do, etc.) What helps most with my girls is reflecting back their own feelings when they are being bullied or ignored – “It sounds like she really made you feel bad when she said ______” and “It sounds like you wish those girls would have included you; it doesn't feel good to be left out.” And so on. Then, when they are the ones doing this to other girls – intentionally or not – I have a handy emotional reference point for them. Empathy is tough to instill in kids and “How would you feel if….” doesn't always work as well with my kids as referring to real life situations with “Remember that time you felt this way?”

Again, I'm still working through all this with my own kids. Talking about it, listening without judgment, figuring action plans with my child, and letting my child know that I'll let her deal with problems in her own way unless certain bright lines are crossed – then mom and dad take action. I've had to call the school once or twice when my daughter's plan to confront or ignore or deal with a bully didn't work. I also keep a good line of communication open with the school (and this should work at the rink as well) letting them know that there is a problem, but taking the immediate burden off the school/rink by letting them know our A, B, and C plans for dealing with it. That way, when we come to the point of nothing working, they know that this is something we've been working through for a while and not a one shot “complaint” that might take their time and effort for Nothing Really Big.

I'm also a big fan of a few books – some for kids and some for adults – that have helped my daughters. American Girl has an amazing series of books for girls 8-12yo on navigating friendships, middle school, and bullying. “Stand Up For Yourself & Your Friends” is one of my fave books on bullying and gives girls actual situations and scripts to use. I honestly wish they'd take the pink cover off because I've wanted to recommend the book for boys, too, but they can't usually get past the florals. Another great book for parents is Barbara Coloroso's The Bully, The Bullied, and The Bystander and Girl Wars by Cheryl Dellasega looks at the psychology behind girl bullying as well as offering strategies. Dellasega's book, I thought, also offered a good reminder to myself of how girl bullies, bullied, and bystanders sometimes turn into adult women bullies, bullied, and bystanders and how I need to constantly remind myself that I grew up in this same teen girl dynamic and am still in the process of exorcising myself. IOW, I need to watch my own mouth and actions around my daughters and model good relationships with other women, even (especially?) women I may not like. Even if I'm not as quick with my texting.
fgrsk8r

Whenever I read these articles you post about bullying at the rink or icetrolls or people getting in others way at the rink I am always shocked because this does not happen much at our rink. No one gets in others way (on purpose), and I have never heard anyone bully another skater. We have a pretty small club and our FS sessions are usually not crowded (anywhere from 5-20 skaters) and I just find these posts I am not surprised that it is happening but am not exposed to it at the rink. Also we do not have a synchro team so we don't have that drama.

I always find these articles very interesting so thanks for posting about this again!
synchmomto2

At our rink, lately, there are a couple of mothers who IMO are becoming the bullies- to the other skaters, to the rink management and the other parents. They have recently decided their two girls are superior to the others and that all the lower level skaters are somehow infringing on their ice, their rink, their precious snowflakes ice time.

Our club and rink is small, and we really do not have enough kids for alot of 'leveled' ice and somehow these 2 bullied the new manager to give 11-12 Saturday to high level only (Juvie and above)- this is PRIME TIME.

I have never seen an unsafe condition there- and the parents are sad.
invisiblesk8r129A

Ironically the bullies at our rink are the adult skaters. We have a large adult club and a relatively small number of younger skaters. The younger skaters tend to mostly be friends and although there is the occasional “so-and-so beat me at the competition” hissy-fit attitude (from some more than others), usually it goes away within a week or two. The kids cutting each other off tend to be more of accidents or obliviousness (from the newer skaters). The adults however… oooh boy. They will NOT stop for you EVER, even if you have right of way and are in a lesson, they will enter the rink right in front of you while you are skating at full speed, and they will skate as close to you as they can. The adults at my rink are not your typical newbie adult skaters either – most of them have come back from retirement, and they were all actually quite good as younger skaters, so they are really quite aggressive skaters. Aside from poor manners during practice, they also tend to get into really petty arguments about costumes (“You can't wear that color! I'm wearing that color!”) and who is allowed to practice what and when. Even though it is in the rules agreement we sign each year, some people like to make up rules as they go along. As for cyber-bulling… well, let's just say I have seen divorces on facebook that were nicer than some dance teams breaking up. Dealing with this every week is just getting old, and I always end up thinking, just because you want to relive your youth doesn't mean you have to act like a 14 year old.
Denise

I hope they're paying a premium price for that ice time. Their agreement with the management should be that they will split the actual cost of the ice time between the contracted skaters so the club doesn't get stuck suplementing their “elite” ice.
fgrsk8r

WOW! Adults! we have very few adult skaters and the ones we do have are super nice and supportive of the younger skater. That is shocking and crazy that adults would act that way.
http://www.Halushki.com Jozet at Halushki

I honestly don't see it at our rink, either. Well, not beyond the occasional child having a bad day and taking it out on everything from the nearest skater to the nearest wall. Usually, it's the nearest wall. Very rarely do I see more than some huffs and puffs of frustration, not any true mean girl behavior.
synchmomto2

I am sure they are not- and my dd's coaches were furious- my dd for example, is working her double flip and double lutz- that she cannot be on this ice is ridiculous. If they are so worried about kids like mine, then they should come at 7 am
sk8gal24

i luv the american girl books! i have the stand up for yourself and friends book as well! have your kids read the girls guide to sticky situations book yet? its awesome
sk8gal24

i luv the american girl books! i have the stand up for yourself and friends book as well! have your kids read the girls guide to sticky situations book yet? its awesome