Ice Mom’s Solutions to Tricky Figure Skating Problems

I admire the ingenuity of the frustrated mom long ago who, when faced with yet another lost mitten, decided to string those buggers together and thread them through the arms of her kid’s coat sleeves. My mom knitted my mittens and I always had a string. It wasn’t until I was a teen that I secretly clipped it. (Shh. Don’t tell Ice Grandma.) I will say this: I didn’t lose mittens.

It occurs to me, as an Ice Mom with a ton of rink time and not a lot of figure skating knowledge, that I could put the wisdom and ingenuity of my fore-mothers into practice to help Ice Girl with her figure skating training.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

Hey. I have an idea!

Let’s say a figure skater takes forever to tie her skates. We’ll call her Nice Girl. I could install a pressure-sensitive switch/control/thingy on the benches where skaters sit to tie skates. Connect the switch to a timer, which is connected to the Zamboni buzzer. When time runs out, the Zamboni buzzer emits that annoying, loud honk. Skater learns that time’s up, cookie. Get your blades on the ice! See? I fixed it!

Coach Sheila Thelen invented Champion Cords to solve figure skater body alignment problems. Coach Audrey Weisiger invented buzzers so skaters would know when their feet were crossed properly. Coach Nick Perna popularized the fishing pole/Pro Motion pole harness for learning jumps.

I’m not putting myself on the level with these coaches. I’m just a mom in the stands with a dream.

Problem:

Ice Girl two-foots her jumps.

Solutions:

Shock collar. I’m not saying I’ll crank up the voltage, but a dog shock collar, connected to a remote control, would be a marvelous device to help Ice Girl and other skaters stop two-footing a jump. When I see that second foot go down, I could apply a mild shock. This device would be a multi-tasker, too: too much texting and not enough homework = shock, hand in the cookie jar = shock, standing at the rink boards = shock.

Pebble in boot. Low-tech, but high-result, a small pebble in the toe area of the landing foot’s boot should prevent any figure skater from two-footing a jump. If it doesn’t, increase pebble size and pebble sharpness.

Problem:

Poisonous club member. This gal enters the rink and has nothing good to say about anyone. She finds the eensie-weeniest problem and directs all of her energy to make it a huge problem for everyone.

Solution:

Garden hose. When Poison starts to spew her malcontent and garbage, set the hose initially to sprinkle. If Poison doesn’t get the hint, increase water pressure to jet. Unfortunately, this might not always work. Poison has been known to ignore indirect hints and direct tellings-off. She’ll probably hop on her broomstick, fetch a raincoat, and fly back to vent her spleen at the rink.

Problem:

Parents sometimes sign up to volunteer for an event, but don’t actually come for their shift.

Solution:

Borrow the church van. Again, this is very low-tech. Someone can be the volunteer to strong arm parents. First, the volunteer calls the AWOL parents to verify their locations. Next, she hops in the borrowed (or hot-wired) church van and drives a route to pick up the volunteers. She cheerfully insists that they join her for a really fun work day at the rink, buckles them in, slams the van doors, and hits the electric locks.

It’s Rinkformation Training week! Get on your tennis shoes and get ready to read!

Ice Coach: Accelerated Class for Figure Skaters

Synchro Mom: Synchro Off-Ice Training

Ice Girl: My Five Favorite Off-Ice Training Devices

Ice Mom: Ice Mom’s Solutions to Tricky Figure Skating Problems

Other problems that are begging for solutions:

The new jump harness

cold, metal bleacher seats
whiny figure skaters
whiny figure skating parents
whiny coaches
whiny bloggers
figure skaters who spend their lives standing at the boards
figure skaters who have no idea where they should spin or jump
figure skaters who will just spin, spin, spin and never jump once
coaches who camp out in one spot on the rink and move for no one: not the skater with the orange vest who is skating his program and not for the Zamboni driver who just wants to go home
figure skaters who bump their music ahead of other skaters
figure skating parents who give their own skater preferential treatment
hockey clubs who triple-schedule the ice during a one-hour block of time
members who never read e-mails and then wonder why they have no clue about anything
CD players that refuse to play or will play music at random
diva coaches
diva parents
diva skaters
diva bloggers
gas prices
two-month-old, stinky, hidden, unpacked coolers
pajamas and socks all over the backseat of my van
corn pads attached to everything
dogs who wrap themselves around the same tree every day
figure skaters who won’t get out of bed for 6 a.m. ice
figure skaters who won’t go to bed early for 6 a.m. ice
figure skating moms who have had it up to here with 6 a.m. ice
figure skating dads who want to have the money talk every other day
figure skating moms who whine about money, time, blogging, 6 a.m. ice

Now, I’m not saying my solutions are perfect, but they sure are fun to think about. Anyone know where I can get a good deal on a shock collar? Really. That one might totally work. I could bling the collar out with crystals and I bet I’d sell a bunch.

You KNOW I’m NOT REALLY going to use a shock collar on Ice Girl, right? I mean, I can’t find them on sale, for one thing. Do you have creative solutions to common rink problems? Don’t feel limited by my list of problems – there’s an ice sheet full of ‘em out there! Have I overlooked a fabulous way to use rubber bands, staples, glue, or other office supplies to build a better figure skater? Let’s put our Monday minds and office supply cabinets to work to solve some of our figure skating problems. Anyone have a coat hanger? Duct tape? File folder? Awesome.

Do you have a question for Ice Mom or the Advisory Board? Don’t hesitate to send your dilemmas to me. I really need one for May 28 and all of June. Be my hero and e-mail me a toughie! Send me an e-mail at icemom.diane@gmail.com.

Do you have an idea for a post? Terrific! I can always use those! Are you an expert who would like to appear on Ask the Expert on Wednesdays? Even better. I’m making my calendar for June: make sure you’re on it! Send me an e-mail at icemom.diane@gmail.com.

This week’s Ask the Expert is Lauren Downes of Sk8Strong.com. She’ll be talking about off-ice training. Is swimming O.K.? What should you do when your body hurts from off-ice training? Think up some good questions for her to answer!

Photo credits:
Weigh and measure: “T”eresa on Flickr.com Creative Commons
The new jump harness: “T”eresa on Flickr.com Creative Commons
I have an idea: albany tim on Flickr.com Creative Commons

http://synchromom.net/2010/05/snchro-off-ice-training/ Synchro Off-Ice Training | Synchro Mom

[...] Ice Mom: Ice Mom’s Solutions to Tricky Figure Skating Problems [...]
icecoach

Love your post today, too funny!
http://xan-boni.blogspot.com/ Xan

Well, duct tape and whiners seems like an obvious match!
http://www.facebook.com/diane.mars Diane Mars

Hey,

For that one : “cold, metal bleacher seats”, I've got the solution !

You need :

~100cm x 50cm of lycra, any coulour and you can even use “chutes” (I dunno the English word… it's the remaining fabric when you've finished to cut what you need) and polystyrene beads !

fold the lycra in two, in order to get a square, sew it on the 3 sides, not forgetting to leave ~10cms unsewed.

Revert your empty -for now- cushion.

Find any empty 1,5 or 2lt bottle and cut the back in order to make a funnel.

Bring your bag of polystyrene beads, your funnel, a box of pins and your empty cushin outside or in your bathroom and close the door. Yes. Close the door. If you don't, you'll understand why at then end. I promise. But I won't accept any blame for it :p !

Fill your cushion with the beads until it looks like a pillow, using the funnel in order to prevent any big “polystyrene snow” all around. ! Be careful when filling that the lycra doesn't strech too much, as you will sit on it, and you don't want that the seams explode, lol !

When full, use the pins to temporarily “seal” the cushion. Try to pin it at least at 5cms from the border, because you'll have to sew it with your sewing machine, and if it's not “flat” enough, you'll get trouble to do it.

I guarantee that's absolutely FAN-TAS-TIC in order of comfort and insulation ! No more iced butt (oops, I hope it's not an offensive word !)
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

That's a terrific solution, Diane! I was thinking more along the lines of hot wiring the heaters above the stands to turn on when I take a seat. Of course, a cushion would work great, too.

Hey! Maybe we could bring in a portable fire pit, light a bon fire, roast marshmallows, drink hot cocoa, and have a good time. Wait. I think I forgot something…oh yeah! We could watch the skaters, too!
http://www.facebook.com/diane.mars Diane Mars

Lol, Diane ! And why not playing the guitar and singing live for the skaters ! Just like Art on Ice ! Wheeeo/ !!!!

And, back to something more serious (?!? lol) and just thinking about the polystyrene beads, as I dunno if it's easy to find in NA or not : if you don't find them easily, it could be a good recycling way for the “travel pillows” (the ones “U” shaped and filled with polystyrene beads :p… 2-3 should be enough !) you could have at home…
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Awesome! You bring the guitar, I'll bring the marshmallows!
Denise

I think electrifying the dasher boards would solve several of the problems you've mentioned. No more idle skaters and coaches standing around by the boards.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

I like the way you think! We could give 'em maybe a few beeps as a warning and then *zap*!
http://www.Halushki.com Jozet at Halushki

For the 6 AM Ice problem, one solution is to move to England. There, the 6 AM ice actually happens around noon! Score!

Right? Isn't that the way it works?

And the two-month-old, stinky, hidden, unpacked coolers?

Easy! Use them as air fresheners for the hockey locker room.

Heh heh heh.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Ha! Move to England! Air freshners for the hockey locker room!

Jozet, you are a woman after my own heart!
ohjennran

ive said it before, and will say it again. I heart you ice mom. Im pretty sure shock collars are totally acceptable, guess it depends on where you live right?
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Wait! Better than beeps for a warning! Play some horror movie music. Jaws? Friday the 13th? Whatever. When the music gets creepy, you'd better get skating, kiddo! *zap*!
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Thank you, ohjennran. I was worried that I'd crossed some electric fence with this post. Seriously. I was hoping for a ton of comments and some wacko ingenuity. We have some, but I was beginning to believe that I was the only mom in the stands with a crazy dream.
Denise

I love the idea of scary horror music! Maybe we could get the ice monitors to wear those creepy white goalie masks too.
crzyskater

I'm not sure exactly how this might transfer to skating, but here's my general idea of fixer-uppers: If chocolate and duct tape can't fix it, you may have quite a large problem on your hands.
Let's see: Chocolate can be a peace offering, a reward, a payment, a bribe, a weapon, and a fun (yet sugary) snack! Duct tape can be a cold-from-the-metal-bench-reducting layer, a good way to gag whiny figure skaters, an even better (yet sadly permanent) way get get people's legs in the correct air position, perfect for taping hockey players together and leaving them in a huge bunch in the lobby (not like I'd ever do this….right?) and great for sealing the locker room doors so they don't leak poisonous gases!
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Scary goalie masks! You're a genius, Denise! Unfortunately, they have scary smells, too.

A gal north of town has an entire business built around her high-tech industrial washing machine. I'm serious. She launders hockey and equestrian gear. I can't imagine how the waiting room must smell…
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Crzy, you are a person after my own heart. I think I might print out your words and post them in my cubicle at work:

If chocolate and duct tape can't fix it, you've got a big problem.

I'm bringing duct tape tomorrow to seal up the hockey locker rooms. Two words: noxious fumes.
icebethy

erm for those days where there is so much mist in the rink (dont know weather its just my rink but with the heat and cold it gets so foggy you cannot see the width of the rink let along other skaters coming towards you till you have seconds to react) have sensers so when a skater gets within 10 meters it bleaps to tell you your close to other skaters ( of course would not work on busy sessions but morning in englands where there is max ten people on the ice it would)
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

We get fog on the rink in the summer (early morning). I hadn’t thought of fog sensors – very smart! You know, last year when I went to SOI, they turned out the lights and the figure skaters had lights on the soles of their figure skating boots. It was so cool! We could do that, too!
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

We get fog on the rink in the summer (early morning). I hadn't thought of fog sensors – very smart! You know, last year when I went to SOI, they turned out the lights and the figure skaters had lights on the soles of their figure skating boots. It was so cool! We could do that, too!
icebethy

yes we need it in one of the rink i skate in it has been like that all day today and its not getting better. bring on the cold weather again!!!
icebethy

yes we need it in one of the rink i skate in it has been like that all day today and its not getting better. bring on the cold weather again!!!
Isabellem1998

Ewwwwwww. 3 words: malodorus, fetid, foul. That pretty much sums it up.
Isabellem1998

thats a reslly good idea! Whenever I go to skate, there are always people hanging around the openings of the boards. I end up nearly making a circuit of the rink to get an opening to get onto the ice.