Can You Help This Mom? What Do I Say When the Skate Was Terrible?

I'm a relatively new adult skater, so I don't have much experience with kids in skating competitions, but I used to teach private music lessons and judge competitions. I remember a youngster I judged about 15 years ago – her technique was great, her interpretation was great, and she was very musical. Then she completely fell apart in a difficult passage. But she found her place and kept going – which one of her competitors couldn't manage. So no sobbing, no fuss, no need for her pianist to stop and start over. On the judging sheet, I complimented her on that, noting that we all have a bad day that is out of our control. Later, the girl's teacher found me and thanked me for being so positive – that it had boosted the girl's spirits at least a little to be able to find something good in her performance.
So what can we take from this? Kids know when they've messed up. If your butt hit the ice, you know something went wrong. Don't pretend nothing happened – that's just embarrassing for the kid. Complement her on getting back up and continuing, because some youngsters can't get back into the swing of things once they make a mistake. It's an important skill, whether in music, skating, or giving a presentation at work! Did the girl finish more or less on time with her music? If she fell that many times, that's a pretty big accomplishment to know how to get back up and in time, over and over again! Figure out a way to complement her perseverance, because this is a skill that will serve her well as she moved into other parts of her life, and will help her be more confident on ice and off!
Also, at a certain age, kids have a sense about who has how much “pure” talent. When they see other kids consistently winning competitions, or successfully executing skills they can't, they know that it's either because they haven't worked as hard as the medalists or that they don't have the same raw talent. And that's okay – I think it's just important to find each student's talent and complement her or him. Maybe that's picking themselves up off the ice, or cheering for other club members, or helping out visitors to one's own club event. Maybe these are the “skating skills” that are most important to this girl and her parents?

… and to add something concrete to the philosophy …
“Jane, I know it's always disappointing to fall, but you showed a lot of pluck in seeing the program thorough! Good sportsmanship means not giving up, even on a bad day, and it's not easy. Good on you!”

If I had encountered the skater after the competition, I would have said to her how proud I am for having the opportunity to see her skate and how courageous she is for getting up and pushing herself through to the end of her program. I would also try to find something she did in her program very well. For example, You did the best spiral or sit spit, it really blew me away. I would let her know that even the best skaters in the world have days when they fall or do not skate their best and they keep skating just the same as she did in her event. I would let her know that falling is apart of skating and it helps us to learn how to be better skaters. I would ask her to let me know when she has another competition so that I can come and see her skate again and cheer her on at her next event. I would give her a big hug and let her know that when I come to her next event that I look forward to seeing how much her skating will improve and how great she will skate. Hope this helps!:) Season

I agree with all the comments here. IceCoach says that everyone has been there, or will be there if they skate competitively. Something short and sweet, depending on your relationship with the skater. If I had a bad skate, I wouldn't be able to hear more than a few sound bites at a time anyway. I often tell the parent how inspired I was by the skater's courage, because the parent will be able to pass this on when the skater is ready to hear it.

If I have the opportunity, I'll also tell the skater how inspired I was by his/her performance. It took guts to keep going. You did that really well.

Or, really close relationship: whew, glad that's over huh?! You kept on going and that was awesome.

I think encouraging her tenacity and the effort it took to keep plugging away at the program is a great angle. Also, on those occasions sometimes the kids are able to just laugh at themselves and keep smiling throughout the skate. I always try to comment on those beautiful smiles during a touch skate. My daughter recently shared something with me the night after her first “really not good” competition skate that I thought was very insightful for an 11yo (and gave me a little chuckle) — “Mom, when people say “great skate” and you know it wasn't a great skate, it really doesn't make you feel any better.” Then a few minutes later she followed it up with “It sure is easier to show good sportsmanship when you are winning than when you finish near the end of the pack.” At that moment I gave God a quick thanks for that “really not good” skate. Those realizations were worth way more in life lessons than another medal.

I've been in this situation more than once, but not with kids. With fellow competitors, team mates from a different category, or even just adult skaters I'm friends with. Sometimes it just crashes and burns, there's nothing for it but to to put it behind you and look forwards (after a good meal a large glass of vino and a moan to your mother/best friend/partner, obviously!!). I don't really have anything to add as everyone else already made such a valid point of looking for something positive and focusing on it. Maybe the mom could add that she is looking forward to seeing the child perform better next time and that she knows she can do it (!!) as she's seen her do some great stuff in practice. Up to the kids' mom and dad to comfort her further than that.

Kind of funny story for me — my daughter goes into shock whenever she competes. The result? She ALWAYS falls. She does the same thing in the ice shows. This year she made it all the way through the ice show without falling down. I was so proud of her. She did a competition earlier this year that was important to her (it was only a Basic Skills competition). We told her to do her best and that’s all she could do. She took a major fall – right on her face. She got up and continued on. Believe it or not, she still managed to get 2nd place (and not because of biased judges, lol). The moves she did were right on. She just had the major fall. So coming from a mom who has no idea what to say to their own child, I can tell you to say this – Great job honey, I can tell you were working really hard out there. Remember, kids usually only hear the last thing you say. That will be that you noticed how hard they were working.

Kind of funny story for me — my daughter goes into shock whenever she competes. The result? She ALWAYS falls. She does the same thing in the ice shows. This year she made it all the way through the ice show without falling down. I was so proud of her. She did a competition earlier this year that was important to her (it was only a Basic Skills competition). We told her to do her best and that's all she could do. She took a major fall – right on her face. She got up and continued on. Believe it or not, she still managed to get 2nd place (and not because of biased judges, lol). The moves she did were right on. She just had the major fall. So coming from a mom who has no idea what to say to their own child, I can tell you to say this – Great job honey, I can tell you were working really hard out there. Remember, kids usually only hear the last thing you say. That will be that you noticed how hard they were working.

Okay. The skate was bad. And I will bite your head off if you dare say something about my pretty dress.

Let’s not even venture into the courage and tenacity comments. Adults think they make the kid feel better, but they DON’T. I was about to cry the whole time, and the only reason I pulled through and smiled is so it doesn’t reflect badly on my coach. I know you mean well, but I seriously feel like screaming at you to cut the courageous crap.

Talk to me about something else. Like some new spin you saw me learning the other day. Something totally unrelated to my program. If you’re not saying anything about the program, I’ll momentarily forget about it, and be cheered up talking about that fun new spin, and perhaps sharing a funny fall story concerning that spin. Then your DD will share her funny fall story and I won’t be able to help but laugh. Voila, you have made me feel much better.

You just don’t want to be around when I see the video, because I will fall to pieces all over again.

Very wise, Sierra. It’s a great idea to lighten the mood!