Commandment One: Figure Skating is Your Child’s Activity

I. Thou shalt not impose your ambitions on thy child. Remember that figure skating is your child’s activity. Improvement and progress occur at different rates for each individual. Don’t judge your child’s progress based on the performance of other athletes, and don’t push them based on what you think they should be doing.

- Professional Skaters Association’s Ten Commandments for Parents

PSA, or the Professional Skaters Association, is the governing body for figure skating coaching in the United States. Their site (just redone) is really for coaches, but it does contain a small amount of parent information. In addition to the document about how to switch coaches, you can find the PSA’s Ten Commandments for Parents.

I thought it would be fun to look at each commandment, look at ourselves, and laugh a little. I’ll go first.

For more commandments in this IceMom.net series: I / II / III / IV / V / VI / VII / VIII / IX / X

The Coach-Mom. Like most figure skating parents, when my daughter went to her first Learn to Skate lesson, I was encouraging, but not expecting much. When Ice Girl started racing through the Learn to Skate levels, though, I started to push her. I admit it: I had a month or two of telling my kid she should practice her whatever. Go do it again. Again. One more.

Yep. There I was, the Vampire of Fun, sucking all the enjoyment out of her ice time.

Lucky for me, Ice Girl sat me down, looked me in the eyes, and talked to me in the same way that I talk to her when she’s out of line. “Mom,” she said. “I know you think you’re helping. Please stop.”

Thank you, Ice Girl, for telling me early on that I needed to stop the Wacko Ice Mom thing. It’s your sport, your thing. You do as much with it or as little with it as you want.

The We Mom. In my defense, I have never been one of the We-We-We Moms. We didn’t spend eight months learning that stupid Axel; Ice Girl did. I spent eight months pulling out my hair. That’s not our stupid Axel. It’s all hers. The hair transplants – those are mine.

The Weights-and-Measurements Mom. As a former teacher, I know that comparing one kid to another isn’t just unfair, it’s inaccurate. People are not widgets that perform consistently or identically to other widgets. Some kids learn poetic meter and some kids never, ever will. Some kids are great at math and become accountants. Some of us avoid even calculators and are very happy to hand our taxes to the accountant. Some people use commas properly and some people, use, them, for, decoration. It’s all good. No one, is, an, expert, at, everything.

However, when Stuck-up Skater landed her stupid Axel before Ice Girl landed hers, I pulled out more hair. Was it talent? Was it coaching? Was it off-ice? Did she practice more? Genetics? Better skates? Cuter practice wear? I can buy cuter practice wear…

It’s a trap, isn’t it? Of course, I watched myself weighing and measuring Ice Girl’s competition and tried to stop. It’s unhealthy. For me, it’s best to shut down the whole process. I catch myself comparing Ice Girl and another kid at her level and I walk away. Or start talking to another Mom. Or start typing a blog post. Something.

The Day of Reckoning Mom. I am not this mom. Well, not much. I won’t demand to know what happened in Ice Girl’s program. Why did she miss that combination? What was she thinking when she fell out of that camel spin?

I am unrepentant, however, about asking about how she used her ice time. Why were you camped out over at the boards? Why were you skating laps and talking to so-and-so? You bet I do this. I’m not making Ice Girl account for every minute of ice time, but she knows that it’s a precious, $11/hour commodity. Ice is not something to waste.

So, parents, ‘fess up! Come on, we’re all friends here, right? Are you guilty of imposing your ambitions on your kid? How do you stop yourself from doing it? Has anyone ever called you on it? Have you called someone else on it? How’d that conversation go?

Do you have a question for Ice Mom or the Advisory Board? Terrific! I’d love to hear from you. Do you have an idea for a blog post you’d like to see? Great! Send me an e-mail at icemom.diane@gmail.com

Photo credits:
My wife’s handmade puppet.: MIKI Yoshihito on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Sean Keohane Puppets: Sean Emery on Flickr.com Creative Commons
*Puppet Josh*: pareeerica on Flickr.com Creative Commons

Lynne

I am sometimes guilty of being the coach mom. Usually it's when my son asks me if I saw what he did wrong with a jump or spin, but sometimes after watching him repeatedly falling because he's not bringing his arms in or he's dropping his shoulder I'll give unsolicited advice, for which I usually get an “I know mom and an eye-roll” at which point I know I'm over the top and I shut up. The one thing I push him to do is our once a week strength training that we do together. The reason I want him to do this is injury prevention, although it has the benefit of improving his skating (and of keeping me toned too). Neither one of us wants to do it so we're each others' motivation.

I'm not a we mom. He's the one putting in all the hard work. My contribution to my son's skating is genetics, chauffeur, sewing, spending hours in a cold rink on hard benches, and of course lots and lots of money.

I haven't found myself in the weighs and measures mom category yet, but I could see it happening so it's something of which I need to be careful.

There's a little bit of the day of reckoning mom in me. On Sundays when my husband takes him to his lesson, I do ask him when he gets home how his skate went and what he worked on. I especially want to know how he's doing with elements that are giving him trouble.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1020852611 Ruth Hudson

I think I may have to have a “come to Jesus” meeting with my own mother. She recently intimated that perhaps we shouldn't take a vacation, as kiddo would be off the ice for two weeks. (Two words, Ma; Alpha Level.) When she does watch his skating, she's terribly critical. (“He fell AGAIN? Why does he keep falling?”) While on some level this is terribly amusing, as I was unofficially not allowed to ice skate as a kid, on another level it's scary and potentially toxic. I don't want her to view competitions if she's going to focus on the negative or be pushy.

I don't think it's possible to confront other moms about their issues. I'm seeing one mom in particular who stands at the door of the ice, arms folded, frowning intently for the entire 45 minutes of group lesson. Occasionally she'll stick her head in a fuss at them for something. (During class. Talking over Coach.) When her kids come off the ice she greets them with “My little champions!” I'm all for supportive, but… We used to chat, but she doesn't talk to me anymore. After her daughters asked to see my tramp stamp that their mother said I had, which I don't, I decided this person was someone I should politely avoid. I wave and say hi, but that's it. I can't imagine what she'd say if I told her, “I think you're taking things a bit too seriously for Pre-Alpha.” That's a deeper facet of the Mommy Wars I'm just not going to tackle.
Jozet at Halushki

I'm a We Mom. Yeah, yeah, I know…she's the one doing all the work. However, there are a lot of days it takes Team Skater Grrrl to make things happen (from paying for the whole shebang to being the wall and pillow upon which she daily tried out every emotion during The Stupid Axel Year) (and a half). I'm getting better about saying, “She did this” and “she did that”, but when it's time to head to a competition or get through a test day, I still slip into “we”.

As far as coaching, well…my rule is this: If you are going to show me, and *then* you are going to ask me “how wuzzit”, you need to tell me if you want a real reckoning or if you just want some sunshine. I'm good for either. But in a sport that depends a lot on “how did it look” and in a rink without mirrors, please be clear if you want to let me know if you want to know what the judges will be seeing or if you just need some loving. We go round and round on this. We don't have a lot of $$$ for as much coaching as we probably are going to need soon to take a stab at the bigger competitions, so, yes, upon request, I will videotape jump landings, count spin revolutions, let her know if a spin position was lovely or a bit clunky, and tell her if she needs to listen to the music more here or there, adjust the fine details on a hand position (all with coach's blessing of course). I'm also willing to completely step back and just smile and wave or, better yet, go sit in the lobby and have a tea. But mama has 25 combined years of dance, gymnastics, and theater experience…it's there for the asking or the leaving, Some days, she asks. We just always have to be clear that Skater Grrrl knows what she's asking for.

However, at competitions and tests, I'm only mom. It's only Attagirls and Love You, Honey and You Did Amazing! I'm way too nervous to be anything else.
SuperSkater

Hey Ice Mom – I sent the list of “10 Commandments” to our rinks “head person” (it's run by the city) and they put up the print out of the Commandments on the bulletin board! :~)

First of all my Discus name to leave replies on here is “SuperSkater” – well, that's kind of a joke, I took one LTS class as a kid but I never even learned a cross over! :~) But there was a coach who used to call my child “super skater” so that's were that comes from. I am probably the worst mom to have for a skating child – even though I never really had a chance to skate myself I grew up watching figure skating events on TV religiously – i.e. I recorded them on a VCR (as soon as we had one!) and then watched the event over and over. My husband has told me I could take Dick Button's job as a commentator any time! I never expected to have a kid that skated (I wanted a ballerina) but even before my daughter began skating I already knew a bit about it, how to recognize the jumps, a good fast spin with good positions versus a crappy one, etc. When my daughter was younger she was always asking me to watch, tell her if that jump was good, if that spin was rotated enough, etc, etc. At 14 it's jekyll & hyde, sometimes she'd rather I didn't exsist, then the next minute she's mad because I was talking to another mom and missed her doing a nice double lutz. I think she still appreciates a little feedback on what jumps/spins were good/bad, ect. So I do occasionally lapse into the “Coach Mom” although it's usually only if I see something obvious wrong – then I make make a little suggestion to try to help her out. ;~) I have always made it VERY clear though that I DO NOT know as much as any coach and that she should always follow her coach's advise above everything. (Funny story: one time a few years ago when she was working on her axel I tried to tell her about 5 things that she needed to “fix” about the axel attempts… she got really quiet and then said that her coach had told her all the exact same things! Guess I knew more than I thought!)
And if I wasn't there to watch her skate I am usually the “Day of Reckoning” mom – sorry, I pay all this money for skating, so I do enjoy hearing how the ice time went! Not every little detail, but at least a few things about it. At competitions I try not to be like that too much though, my daughter gets so stressed out over competitons that I just try to get her to relax as much as possible & point out the positive things about the program afterwards. (She tends to be too hard on herself at competitions anyway!)
And, like Ice Mom, I am very vigilant about not wasting ice time, I hate talking, wasting time, etc. I have repeatedly told my daughter that as soon as she is 16 and has a job she can pay for her ice time and stand around and talk all she wants! I'm soo looking forward to having $$$ again, I may get a pedicure or something! Haha! :~)
synchmomto2

Wow, my jumpingbeans grandma is the opposite, the kid is 9 years old and does all her doubles and she is totally unimpressed…
Anonymous

“I am probably the worst mom to have for a skating child – even though I never really had a chance to skate myself I grew up watching figure skating events on TV religiously”

I resemble that remark! But seriously… after eight months of sitting on the cold bleachers and watching DD have all the fun, I was definitely in some combination of Coach-Mom and Weights-and-Measures Mom territory. The solution to this was to take up skating myself. I signed up for group lessons and haven't looked back. Its been great for both me and DD in so many ways. We both enjoy the sport a lot more, and I can honestly say I no longer fit any of those categories!

I also never expected to have a skater. I signed her up for ballet three times but not enough other kids enrolled so the classes never ran. So that's when she took up skating. When she finally got to take ballet, she hated it!
Amy

I think the key is to think of how you would have liked to been treated as a kid yourself… if it would annoy or make the seven year old you upset to be stared at for an hour or grilled over ice time or embarrassed by having your mom call out instructions over the boards, then don't do it for your own kids. I think parents quickly forget what it's like to be a kid… and being a good rink mom is as simple as remembering how you felt at 7 or 12 or whatever.
SuperSkater

Yes, I really should take up skating again myself – problem is I have flat feet and would probably need expensive custom orthodics/skates, something. I used to skate with my daughter at public sessions when she was little, I could tolerate maybe 20 – 30 mintutes in my cheap skates then I was done! My son has my flat feet and he tried skating with the same results – it's fun but very painful for us flat footed folks! No money for custom skates when spending it all on my daughter's skating! My daughter was in ballet at 3 1/2 – did ballet/tap/acro until she was about 6 1/2 then switched to only skating with an occasional “Ballet for Figure Skater's” class. I even took her to see the Nutcracker once hoping she'd be inspired to stick with ballet… sigh.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

I agree, Amy. No one wants to hound a little kid. However, I do want my kid to use her ice time wisely.

I suppose it all comes down to the skater's goals, too.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Hey, SuperSkater.

I think it's great that your rink management put the 10 Commandments up on the wall. It's great for parents to be reminded about how to behave. (I'd like to hand deliver the 10 Commandments to a few parents!)

I can't wait for 16 – driver's license. I'll be asleep when Ice Girl skates at 6 a.m. *bliss*
Anonymous

When DD started skating, I'd skate with her at public skate wearing my mother's 25+ YO skates (old, but rarely used) with a sports gel insole to make them slightly more comfortable. I since upgraded to a new pair of recreational skates. I'm getting to the point where my skill level warrants freestyle skates, but I'm holding off as long as I can… DD is also going to need new skates. She is past the 18 month mark for hers, so I consider myself lucky they've lasted this far.
Skater Taxi

I try very hard to be the good skater mom and when I slip I hope my daughter can remember that and give me an A+ for effort. As all of you know, some days are easier than others on that front. I do think it is important though for our skaters to take advantage of the opportunity they are being given. There are many kids out there that could benefit from the life lessons that competetive skating provides, but unfortunately other than a few pocket community programs they won't have that opportunity. This sport takes a lot of time and money and is difficult to sustain for most families. Because we are a military family and move often, our daughter has skated at several rinks across the US. One of my favorites is the Fairfax Ice Arena in Fairfax, VA. Why?? Bottom line, the kids there know how to play hard and work hard. In the lobby it is all smiles, laughs and fun. When they get on the ice though it is skate, skate, skate. Very little lollygagging and lots of speed.

This may be controversial (especially if you have a younger skater, ours is 11yo). About once a year I actually share with our daughter what her skating expenses are for a typical month/year. Because we are temporarily living quite far from ice right now and spend a lot of time on the road, the costs in time and $$$ are especially high this year. I think it is important to have her understand what the cost to our family is so she can keep that in mind on a I'm not feeling 100% day. I don't do this in a “look what you are costing us, we could be on a luxury vacation” kind of way, but in a more of an “it's important for you to understand what an incredible opportunity you are being given.” Because we are very supportive and always encouraging in the competition and test setting, I believe she knows that her success or struggles are in no way associated to the availability of $$$$ to support this crazy sport. Still, I'm glad she realizes $$ doesn't grow on trees. To her credit, we have never had to listen to “I don't want to get up,” “I don't feel like skating today,” etc.. While she may not be at her best each and every day (are any of us?), she clearly wants to be there and recognizes it as an opportunity.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Hey, Skater Taxi.

You know, that financial thing is a very good topic for a blog post. Wouldn't it be interesting to find out who talks about the money side and who doesn't.

Thank you very, very much.

Ice Mom
http://icemom.net/2010/08/commandment-two-support-your-figure-skater-no-matter-what.html Commandment Two: Support Your Figure Skater No Matter What | Ice Mom.net

[...] more commandments in this IceMom.net series: I / II / III / IV / V / VI / VII / VIII / IX / [...]
Momof2skaters

I think this is a FABULOUS post!!! I'm catching up so you'll see all my comments for various posts all from the same day. LOL. I wish I could post Commandment 1 at our rink in BIG BOLD LETTERS!!! There is one stuck up skater at our rink, and I think it's more mom than it is skater. It gives me the tendency to do the weights and measurements because they are in the same level. She competes and practices more but I think my dd enjoys it more. I limit her ice action to 3 days a week so that it doesn't “run our life.” I have other activities and let's face it, they just need at least 1 day of downtime for them.

I've never called anyone on anything. For the most part, the parents around here are supportive of each other. For that, I'm grateful – especially after reading some of the comments here and the postings. I appreciate where I live. However, there are times that I'm maddened because I see so many parents just harping on their children. Skater 1 might be crying her eyes out because mom is saying they didn't do a good enough job – GET OUT THERE NOW. I'M NOT PAYING ALL THIS MONEY FOR YOU TO SIT AROUND! Makes me shudder.

I admit that I have told dd and ds to get out there and skate. If we're only going to be there 3 days a week and one of them only skates 2 of those days, I expect them to work and practice. But if I see they aren't trying, I won't hesitate to call it a day and just leave. No repurcussions. If they work hard (IMO, staying on the ice for 45 minutes without asking how much longer) they get an incentive at the end. Might be a pretzel, or an extra quarter in their cup (for which they get all quarters at the end of the week.)
Momof2skaters

I am right there with you! I don't really do it so much with ice skating but I do explain expenses for other things. It's made my children more aware of the cost of items. It also has made them more conservative than most kids. They don't necessarily need a new dress when they can wear one they have (okay, so my son doesn't wear the dress but you get the idea). It's great to hear someone else shares the expense overview with their children.
Momof2skaters

Oh how awesome is this? I love that you took it up too. I did this at a previous rink of ours but our current rink doesn't really have too many adults that do it. In fact, I haven't seen them teach adults in awhile. I'd love to get back in there. I went up to Basic 3 (pretty proud of that fact, lol)
Momof2skaters

Hey Ruth, do we have the same mom? Mine is critical about EVERYTHING. Good thing she lives many states away!!! We also have mom's like that at our rink. See my post above about the yelling mom. I pretty much stay to myself at the rink. In fact, (this sounds bad), I don't know anyone's first name. Okay, I know about 3 but that's it. I do say hi and may speak briefly but that's it. I'm not into drama so I don't talk to a lot of people. I hear there's drama at the rink so I stay clean away.
Guest

And there’s also the 5th kind of mom…the kind that doesn’t care at all about her child’s skating. Ha, that’s the kind my mom is. It’s kind of sad but I’ve learned to just live with it and go on. This has made me learn just how important money is because I pay for everything. My club fees, ice time, private lessons. And that’s a lot when you are only 16 and nobody is hiring so the only job you have is babysitting. That’s ok though, I’ll do it so I can skate. I’m glad that all of you moms care about your children’s skating because if you didn’t you probably wouldn’t be reading this blog!
Guest

And there's also the 5th kind of mom…the kind that doesn't care at all about her child's skating. Ha, that's the kind my mom is. It's kind of sad but I've learned to just live with it and go on. This has made me learn just how important money is because I pay for everything. My club fees, ice time, private lessons. And that's a lot when you are only 16 and nobody is hiring so the only job you have is babysitting. That's ok though, I'll do it so I can skate. I'm glad that all of you moms care about your children's skating because if you didn't you probably wouldn't be reading this blog!
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Hey, kiddo. You are strong. You are truly doing the sport for yourself and you reap the rewards.

I’m impressed with your work ethic, your drive, and your passion for the ice. Those aren’t just skating skills, those are success skills.

I wish you continued success – on your own terms.

Ice Mom
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Hey, kiddo. You are strong. You are truly doing the sport for yourself and you reap the rewards.

I'm impressed with your work ethic, your drive, and your passion for the ice. Those aren't just skating skills, those are success skills.

I wish you continued success – on your own terms.

Ice Mom
http://icemom.net/2010/08/commandment-three-figure-skating-parents-should-not-coach-from-the-stands.html Commandment Three: Figure Skating Parents Should not Coach from the Stands | Ice Mom.net

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