Can You Help This Mom? Figure Skating Club Busybody

Today’s e-mail comes from a reader whose club has an annoying busybody. Here’s what she wrote:

Hi, Ice Mom. I don’t know if you can help, but our club is trying to figure out what to do with a parent who is making us nuts. This woman eavesdrops on people’s conversations and then e-mails the entire club board about the gossip she’s hearing. Some of our club board members respond to her, but most don’t. Before we wised up and used bcc: on our e-mail newsletters, she used to Respond to All and send every club member her nit picky analysis of whatever the club is doing.

She sends the entire board e-mails about things that haven’t even happened. Like: What if my daughter can’t come to the ice but she’s not sick enough to take her to the doctor? Do I still need a doctor’s excuse to get a credit for that ice time? I bet we receive one or two of these hypothetical e-mails every week.

When I see her in the lobby, I change direction! I’m not going to have her trap me in a conversation about who is doing what and why it’s wrong. Or, worse, she’ll want to hear me say something so she can spam the entire board about it when we leave the rink.

I have wasted so much time on this woman and her e-mails. Every time I find one in my InBox, I get irritated and I want to report her for spam. Did I mention she forwards our responses to other parents? I think the reason she has “friends” is that she spreads the gossip thick and they love to receive her e-mails.

I can’t take much more of her. Technically, she’s not in violation of any club bylaws, but she sure is wasting our time. What do you suggest we do with this woman?

From Ice Mom: I think you have a misguided hero on your hands. She thinks that she’s doing everyone a favor by being the club watchdog, but really, she’s wasting time and spreading poison.

If this gal were in my club, I’d have the talk with her and begin the conversation with the 5 Whys. Why is this a problem? Why do you think everyone should know about it? Why, why, why? Using 5 Whys helps to drill down to the root causes of the problem and forces her to think about why she’s approaching you. Of course, don’t let on to what you’re doing, just keep asking why.

It’s possible that she doesn’t realize that people are avoiding her and that she’s a pain in the rear. I’d tell her. Yes, I know: how uncomfortable. However, sometimes giving bad news is a public service. It’s sort of like telling a colleague she needs to shower more often, right? Not a great conversation, but totally necessary. After all, you’d want someone to tell you if you had spinach in your teeth. It’s the same thing, but more difficult.

Here’s how that conversation would go. First, assume that the person is completely unaware that she is a pain in the rear. Use the 5 Whys and then say: “I know you think you’re doing X, but really, the perception is Y. I’m sure you that’s not what you want, so let’s figure out how to do X in a more constructive manner.”

Of course, there’s always the segment of the population who won’t believe the truth if someone tells it to them flat out. Me, body odor? No, no. I bathed last week.

So, I would work on some management techniques, too. If she thinks she needs to broadcast news to everyone, try to harness the power of the wind and put her in charge of the newsletter, or at least a portion of it. Maybe she can write your club’s FAQ page. Channel her energy into something so she doesn’t have time to send the mass e-mails.

I would also try shutting her down when she’s gossiping and encourage other people to do it, too. When she starts, say, “I’m sorry, I don’t think gossip is good for the club.”

If she has a legitimate quesiton, explain that you have just two minutes you can spare right now. If that doesn’t work, explain that you’re busy, but you value her input. Ask for a short, 100-word e-mail explaining the problem and recommending a solution.

Someone has created a monster with that woman. Although it’s a hard quest, slaying that dragon will free everyone. Keep that in mind as you hang tough with this person. You might recruit some others to your cause for extra help. If she hears the message from many people, she’ll pick up on it. I hope.

What do you think, readers? How would you deal with a club busybody/time waster? Am I being too harsh? You can let me know. Sometimes I don’t have a very strong handle on tact.

Thank you, anonymous reader, for sending in this question! Do you have a question for Ice Mom or the Advisory Board? I like to post these on Fridays, so send it to me today so I can forward it to the Advisory Board. If I get them late in the week, I’m certainly grateful, but it doesn’t give the Advisory Board much time to respond. So, please send me your dilemma er…today? Tomorrow? I’d love to have something to give the Advisory Board!

Do you have an idea for a blog post? Wonderful! I’d love to have your suggestions. Are you interested in writing a guest post? Terrific! You can be my new best friend. E-mail me at icemom.diane@gmail.com

Photo credits:
And If I’m Wasting My Time, Then Nothing Could Be Better: Graham Hellewell on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Bee Time: azrainman/Rainmaker on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Tunnels of Time: fdecomite on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Swing Time: Dave-F/David Friel on Flickr.com Creative Commons

szuszu

Hmm… this is a difficult problem for your club. Every so often your trapped with having to deal with a personality that lies just outside (sometimes way outside) the mainstream. I agree with Ice Mom, when possible the best way to silence a critic is to give them some ownership of the problem. There are books and online advice on how to deal with difficult people in the workplace (a very similar situation). Short of going to the boss or getting a new job, I would bet you’d find some actionable advice there.
Jozet at Halushki

This:

“If she thinks she needs to broadcast news to everyone, try to harness the power of the wind and put her in charge of the newsletter, or at least a portion of it. Maybe she can write your club’s FAQ page.”

Yes. Put her in charge of something in a limited capacity with someone overseeing what she's writing before it gets published. With most problems, the way to approach it is to try to figure out the positive intent, and then redirect any negative actions back to the positive. She may be asking questions that a lot of people are wondering about but not asking. A FAQ page is a great thing. Tell her she has three months to collects questions from everyone, write them up, bring the top ten questions to the board and go from there. Yes, someone is going to have to edit and approve the final FAQ, but I think meeting once or twice over a few months is better than being stabbed to death by pins.

Gossip, really, is not just one person. It takes a willing listener and a willing talker. What I think might also be something to look into is the overall level of communication between the board and the Moms In The Stands. Sometimes, the newbie moms feel left out or not quite sure what their roll is as a skating parent or as a club parents – the tendency is, I think, to assume that there is Us and Them (Them being the club parents or board members who have been around a while, are more likely to run things, etc.) It happens naturally, of course, that parents come up together in the club just as groups of skaters, do. However, I think people assume exclusionary cliques sometimes when there isn't enough two-way conversation going.

But yes, I'd be upfront but look at this as a positive. “We get a lot of emails from you and it really ties up our time; we feel bad about not being able to answer all your questions, but it's just not possible to keep up this pace of weekly and daily communication and do it well. We have some ideas for how to handle this that I'd like to share with you, but we'd like to hear your ideas, too, for how to better communicate with all club members, answer all their questions, but do it in a way that doesn't make it a full time job for the board.” Something like that?
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

See? This is the whole tact thing that I just don't have:

I'd be upfront but look at this as a positive. “We get a lot of emails from you and it really ties up our time; we feel bad about not being able to answer all your questions, but it's just not possible to keep up this pace of weekly and daily communication and do it well. We have some ideas for how to handle this that I'd like to share with you, but we'd like to hear your ideas, too, for how to better communicate with all club members, answer all their questions, but do it in a way that doesn't make it a full time job for the board.” Something like that?

I really like that. Here I am slaying dragons and you're making peace. I like it.
Jozet at Halushki

Well, you see, I have to type this tactful stuff out so I have a handy script when I need it.

Otherwise, when put on the spot, I'm more likely to slay a dragon and possibly with Jersey Shore-style hand gestures.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

I don't have the Jersey Shore style hand gestures. I'm way too Midwestern. I don't think we really gesture here.

I'm very apt to say, “Look. People are avoiding you. You're getting a reputation for being poison. How can I help you fix this?”

I have that truth thing going (good), but tact? Not so much.

You know, though, sometimes these people just don't believe a person unless they're telling them the truth flat out. You know the type: they don't blink enough and aren't used to listening to other people, so they just don't recognize the truth unless it's harsh and unvarnished.

I know. Not a defense for my tactlessness, but I'm working on it!
Jozet at Halushki

You don't need a defense at all. The catch-22 in all this is that the people who have occasional moments of being mildly obnoxious (i.e. most of us), are also usually quick to catch on to people's subtle hints (i.e. picking up their coffee and shifting a mere five inches away), while the people who make Being A Pill a career need to be clobbered over the head (figuratively)…and then some.

I HATE getting to point of having to be very upfront in delivering the hard truth. The few times I've had to do it have gotten responses from “Oh, okay! Thanks for telling me, no hard feelings!” to third-degree dragon burns. Maybe I need to practice my Midwestern accent. But you're absolutely right…there is a time and a place for unvarnished facts.

“They don't blink enough”…you literally did make me laugh out loud.
Momof2skaters

Oh yeah, the gossip. This is what I hate most about women – no, not skating moms – women! We love gossip. Yep, I have been drawn into it before. But I have to tell you, I learned that gossip makes you sick to your stomach. You hate hearing it and you worry that whomever is telling you it is also spreading things about you. It never ends and becomes a vicious cycle.

My advice? Be polite to her and tell her that you love talking to her but that you would prefer that it's not about other people in the club. Tell her you'd like to know what she does outside of the rink. You can't go on avoiding the woman and sometime or another, you will be drawn into a conversation about someone else. If she starts gossiping again, just tell her that you've made a rule for yourself that no gossip in – no gossip out. I don't listen to it and I don't speak it. If she gets huffy, so be it. You're better off. But it's best not to get caught up in others affairs. Most of the time gossip is just that – gossip! It's a smidge of truth based on a tiny incident that has been blown way out of proportion. Good luck to you from a no gossip mom!
Xan

I call these types “ninjas”– their only mission is to swoop in and destroy. Unfortunately, the heart-to-heart goes right over the heads of these types, because they don't really recognize anyone's authority. I doubt this mother recognizes anyone's right to analyze, let alone curb, her behavior. I think a better tactic is to get her something to do that focuses this negative energy into something positive. Our local ninja, who used to send my volunteers into a frenzy, because she would follow around after me “to see how everyone was doing,” got redirected into flower sales. Perfect, because she gets to talk to EVERYone, she knows whose grandparents are cheapskates and whose go for the big bouquets, and is front and center where everyone can see her and know that she is part of the In Crowd. She also is an ice monitor, where if she starts making sh*t up you can quote the rules at her, the authority of which she does acknowledge.

You're not going to change her, so find a way to use that energy for the good of the club.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Hey, Xan! Thanks for your wisdom! I think you're right. This woman doesn't listen to anyone – unless it's to uncover gossip. She needs to be handled. Flower selling/people watching is brilliant.
Guest

Call me heartless but I've having nothing to do with rewarding this type of behavior with any type of 'in charge' of anything. If I was running the show, she would be out and I mean today, right now, this instant. You can't tell me their are no club rules that don't cover acceptable behavior by club members. This is definitely UNacceptable behavior. If this type of person is put in charge or ANYthing, it will only reinforce their belief that their terrible behavior is working and rewarding. NO WAY. You are correct in that this type of person does not respond to heart to heart talks or any number of why questions. They are simply blind to any type of reason whatsoever. What they will respond to is a cold hard slap in the face, by being thrown out the door of the club, for good. Make an example out of her. Put some cold hard fast rules into the club bylaws and stick to them. You people take your skating so seriously, then you need to take your club rules seriously and stop this type of behavior in it's tracks.
IMHO – Whew, I feel better now.
Jozet at Halushki

The problem is that a lot of times a parent needs to be a club member so that a child can be a club member. If that's the situations – that is, if this isn't an adult skater in the club for herself – then there is a child's skating at stake. I'd like to try to do everything in my power first to make this as least hurtful for the child who is skating. Lots of kids have parents who act like dingbats – for the sake of the most vulnerable party, I try to work from as many angles as possible before taking a stand that will ultimately not just teach an adult a lesson, but possible hurt a child.

I can hear your frustration with this, and it's justified. I've gotten to the point where an adult has been too toxic and more kids than her own were being emotionally harmed by that adult's actions and a firm line had to be drawn. But again, for the sake of that adult's kid who is most likely an innocent bystander in all this, I'll try plans A, B, and C before kicking not only an adult, but possibly a child out of the club, too. Because chances are, that adult isn't going to get the message by being kicked out, either…however, her child will continually suffer all the consequences and might miss out on the one thing in her life that is keeping her sane.
Guest

Thanks for the voice of reason Jozet. I just had to vent. I knew this was not a workable solution as I was writing it, but I think we all feel this way at some point with certain people. It is a shame that something like ice skating, that brings us so much joy and fullfillment has to bring along so much baggage sometimes. Lets hope this women's child is unaffected by her actions and continues in one of life's great pleasures.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Hey, Guest. Isn't that the case? It's too bad that the mom is a club problem, but let's hope that her reputation hasn't affected her daughter.
Xan

And in fact, “the best interests of the child” are at the top of the list in the ethics statements for USFS parents, for club management and for PSA members. When you get pissed off at a parent or a coach, it’s a great first question to ask yourself before taking even the mildest action.
Xan

And in fact, “the best interests of the child” are at the top of the list in the ethics statements for USFS parents, for club management and for PSA members. When you get pissed off at a parent or a coach, it's a great first question to ask yourself before taking even the mildest action.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Very wise, Xan. My instinct would be to slay the dragon, but a redirect is more humane and it’s what’s best for the kid, too.

Thanks for being my voice of reason!
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Very wise, Xan. My instinct would be to slay the dragon, but a redirect is more humane and it's what's best for the kid, too.

Thanks for being my voice of reason!
Jozet at Halushki

I vent all the time. I like to pretend I’m the voice of reason on the Internet. It makes me feel less like a crazy person for all the venting I do off-line. Venting is good. It keeps my Jersey Shore hand gestures to a minimum IRL.
Jozet at Halushki

I vent all the time. I like to pretend I'm the voice of reason on the Internet. It makes me feel less like a crazy person for all the venting I do off-line. Venting is good. It keeps my Jersey Shore hand gestures to a minimum IRL.
Rfdhselady

Welcome to figure skating. Bring a book to the rink. Watch your skater. Don’t socialize with skating parents and have some form of life away from the rink. This is hard to do and other people can cause you alot of problems. You will get problems from people you don’t even know. There is no solution and it is a shame. I think this goes along with problems at church and within families. I wish there was an overall way to avoid this but it seems that most people have an opinion about you whether you like it or not and whether or not they know anything about you or the truth. If not, there are those who make up things about you. People in skating don’t like you if you are pretty, they don’t like you if you aren’t. They don’t like you if you get your jumps and they make fun of you if you don’t. They are truly jealous if you are successful to the point of gossiping about you before, during, behind your back and to your face. They will continue to not like you into adulthood and then they will make fun of your babies. On the other hand, skating is a wonderful thing to do. There are perks to the feel of landing a jump and succeeding at a goal. If you win a competition no one can take that away from you. I still enjoy a good jump, lift, flow, artistry and when a favorite skater of mine wins a competition. Skating society is what it is. If you don’t like it or can’t take it there is always bowling or swimming or soccer. People choose to skate. Step away from it and see if you don’t like what you do. It seems that there are always spoilers. They will come and go. Just when you see one leave there are others seeking power.