Commandment Three: Figure Skating Parents Should not Coach from the Stands

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I see parent coaching all the time — although not as much as I once did.. My skater comes to me and asks me to tell her if her leg is right, etc. I've started carrying my little digital camera in my purse, that way I can just video it and then let her see what she looks like. It seems to work pretty well.

I like the video idea – a lot! I'd still let my skater's coach know, though. You know how people talk. I'd hate for her to learn about it second hand and think that I'm trying to undermine her work.

[...] more commandments in this IceMom.net series: I / II / III / IV / V / VI / VII / VIII / IX / [...]

I'm not a skater and have never claimed to be so I'm not a coach (well, not really….). But I can tell you that her coach was trying to get her to keep her arms out straight instead of helicoptering. So I would remind her that she had to keep them straight. That's the only thing I've done that I can recall. Perhaps I'll keep my ears open in case I do something else. I have video taped dd but have never had her watch it. I think she wouldn't pick up on anything though. She's still too young. She's in Freeskate 4 but is only 8. Her attention span is limited to cartoons and iCarly. LOL.

OK, I'll admit I am sometimes guilty of this. I will occasionally get tired of watching her fall on double lutzes and tell her to quit dropping her shoulder, or that she needs to go faster/slower, what ever. I usually try not to say much but it does get frustrating to see them making the same mistake. Most of the time I limit my “coaching from the stands” to an annoyed look that says “you're really going to skate this lazy crappy way today – really?” I even have a signal that means she can pay me for this ice time today because she is wasting it – and wasting my money! :~) At 14 they have days where they can be quite lazy! My daughter sometimes (depending on the mood!) values my input, like how her leg position was in that jump, or was the spin rotated enough, etc. I am not nearly as bad about it as other “ice moms” I have seen though – we have moms that continually coach from the stands for the entire hour – they are telling the skater what to do and/or critiquing at least 5 to 10 times in an hour. We also have a mom that stands right by the boards and coaches her little ice princess the whole hour. (I should note that this mom supposedly “used to skate” and does seem to be coaching her daughter well, I think the girl is 7 or 8 and has her axel.) I guess the real question is how do you define “coaching” and just giving feedback on how something looked? I think many skaters do like SOME parental feedback on how high the jump was, how many rotations the spin was, etc. I usually try to give my skater a thumbs up on a good jump/spin. And since she has struggled with her free leg position in her jumps I usually let her know if the position was good/bad, mostly only applicable on two jumps now, she corrected the leg position on her other jumps. I always stress that her coach is “king” so to speak and while I may know a little I will never know enough to really coach. I also try to keep it casual & light too, I am aware that many moms do “take the fun” out of skating if they get too involved. Some ice time I am not even present for and other times an hour will go by with no comment from me, I am learning to keep my remarks to a minimum – in or out of the rink 14 year olds really don't listen much anyway! ;~) The only time I ever really get mad at the rink is over wasted ice time, or when my daughter was 12 and went through the “crying in front of everyone if the practice wasn't going well” phase. I will admit I had NO patience for crying in public. Didn't allow it when they were 2, took them out of restuarants/stores/etc, certainly didn't enjoy it at 12! (12 was an emotional year everywhere – not just at the rink!) So – long story short – I am guilty of occasional “coaching” and/or giving feedback – but I am usually just trying to be helpful… You couldn't pay me enough to be a coach even if I was a top skater – I would NEVER have the patience! :~) Kudos to the real coaches out there!!!

I also do some taping at dd's request, but prior to starting asked her coach if that was okay. She likes me to tape her and then either on the way home or another day watches pieces she asked me to tape. Personally I think she likes to just watch herself – not sure if she gets anything from it!

I parent. And, as I said in the other post, I do “specialty-coach” a bit at times but only with coach's specific direction and within very, very specific parameters. And yes, it is primarily a matter of $$$$$. My daughter's coach is both a talented technician and a supremely creative choreographer; I have complete faith in her, and as I tell her weekly, I'd love to win the lottery so that I could give her even more of my money. I like her *that* much.

However, I also have a skater for whom saying, “bring your left arm over your head in an arc” might as well be “print the Gettysburg Address in backward mirror-writing”. We could eat up entire week's skating budget on that one move, and heading quickly toward Juvenile level, my skater has all sorts of fish to fry right now – I do one part of this with much open communication with our coach and under her direction.

And I do honestly have the sort of artistic/technical “resume” that the coach has sussed out and approves of as genuine. I do help my skater “get” some of the arm choreography the coach has given her, and with the coach's specific instruction to me. I do not do jumps. I do not do moves. I do not do fancy pants stuff. I do carry a video camera, and that works really well. I will also count spin revolutions if asked.

From my daughter's side of things, all this is only on a “Mom, I want you to do this” basis and with many, many temperature checks that everyone still wants my second set of eyes and know-how. It's a tightrope, to be sure, and there are times I've stepped off and resumed my warm, comfy seat in the lobby. I generally agree with the PSA commandment. And, I don't think I've drifted into Dragon Mom territory yet. My Skater Grrrl is far too open with her opinions on All Things Mom; she'd let me know.

I don't think I could ever “coach” for real and I have *no* idea how professional coaches do coach their own kids. At this point, I haven't even watched my skater's last four test sessions or her last three competitions. I'm too nervous.

In the spirit of semi-full disclosure, I have been known to be a complete PIA about hands hanging down like dead fish at the ends of otherwise gracefully extended arms, and I'm also known to be overly-free with that opinion. I do try to curb my distaste, but I can't help it. It's like nails on a chalkboard to me.

I will also say that for being the one thing that I harp on the most and without invitation, Dead Fish Hands are also the one thing that my skater refuses to correct when she knows I'm watching her. So maybe it *is* time to start a therapy fund as well as a college and “next pair of skates” fund.

Wow! I feel like SuperSkater is living my life at the rink. I can relate to everything said except that my dd is 13 and we had our emotional year at age 11. I sure don’t want to deal with that again! I have never pretended to know anything about figureskating other than I enjoy watching it and always have. I never intended for my dd to be a figure skater. She did Learn to Skate and now here we are! I can identify certain jumps mostly because I know where my daughter has them in her program, and she always rolls her eyes when I ask which jump is which. But I am getting better. I know the double lutz and double loop! Most days I enjoy sitting in the lobby or being at work when my dd is skating. Sometimes I will watch her practice and she knows I expect her to make good use of her ice time. We use the digital camera thing if my dd wants to see what something looks like. It is something her secondary coach has used a lot with her because she is very visual. It helps her to see what the coach is talking about and what she needs to work on. I NEVER use it unless dd asks. When I am there in the stands I always have a book or something to work on so that I can distract myself from getting too uptight about what she is doing on the ice. I will give her the “look” (which she knows means she needs to step it up) or the thumbs up occasionally but I never say anything unless asked. As she has gotten older it has gotten easier for me to say “you need to ask your coach”, etc. so that she takes more responsibility for her own skating and practice time.

Wow! I feel like SuperSkater is living my life at the rink. I can relate to everything said except that my dd is 13 and we had our emotional year at age 11. I sure don't want to deal with that again! I have never pretended to know anything about figureskating other than I enjoy watching it and always have. I never intended for my dd to be a figure skater. She did Learn to Skate and now here we are! I can identify certain jumps mostly because I know where my daughter has them in her program, and she always rolls her eyes when I ask which jump is which. But I am getting better. I know the double lutz and double loop! Most days I enjoy sitting in the lobby or being at work when my dd is skating. Sometimes I will watch her practice and she knows I expect her to make good use of her ice time. We use the digital camera thing if my dd wants to see what something looks like. It is something her secondary coach has used a lot with her because she is very visual. It helps her to see what the coach is talking about and what she needs to work on. I NEVER use it unless dd asks. When I am there in the stands I always have a book or something to work on so that I can distract myself from getting too uptight about what she is doing on the ice. I will give her the “look” (which she knows means she needs to step it up) or the thumbs up occasionally but I never say anything unless asked. As she has gotten older it has gotten easier for me to say “you need to ask your coach”, etc. so that she takes more responsibility for her own skating and practice time.

I have to admit that I wasn’t aware of this rule until recently. I had tried to help my daughter and it never occurred to me that I shouldn’t. I didn’t view it as coaching. My daughter typically only takes one lesson per week due to cost and coach availability. I was helping my daughter on a day that the coach wasn’t there. I viewed it as encouraging my daughter and reminding her of what the coach told her to do. I don’t have the technical skills to coach but I am able to encourage my daughter and gently remind her of what the coach said or tell her what I saw. In any event, I learned from another parent that I wasn’t allowed to do this so now I am careful at the home rink. However, it’s a bit sad to me because my daughter appreciated my trying to help. Also, I am at the rink with my daughter far more than the coach is so sometimes I do feel that I have valuable input. As an example, coach told my daughter to do a certain jump at the competition whereas she and I knew that she was not likely to land it because she hadn’t been landing it much all week. Ultimately, my daughter followed the coach’s advice but she felt that she should have had more of a say.

We since have switched coaches and I have learned that a coach who values parent and skater input is a better fit for our family. I still defer to the coach on technical advice as I always did. I also would never yell at my daughter because skating is an optional, recreational event, not a requirement.

However, as parents, and as customers (the skaters and parents are a coach’s customers) we shouldn’t have to blindly follow whatever the coach says. In a past blog regarding skating during vacation, one question was does the coach require skating over vacation. For all but the very top skaters, it shouldn’t be up to the coach. This is just one example of where the parent and skater should make the decision of what’s best for the family.

So, as usual in life, balance is key. Respect the coach but the coach should also respect the family and value input. I also believe the skater should have more say in whether Mom is helping or not.

I have to admit that I wasn't aware of this rule until recently. I had tried to help my daughter and it never occurred to me that I shouldn't. I didn't view it as coaching. My daughter typically only takes one lesson per week due to cost and coach availability. I was helping my daughter on a day that the coach wasn't there. I viewed it as encouraging my daughter and reminding her of what the coach told her to do. I don't have the technical skills to coach but I am able to encourage my daughter and gently remind her of what the coach said or tell her what I saw. In any event, I learned from another parent that I wasn't allowed to do this so now I am careful at the home rink. However, it's a bit sad to me because my daughter appreciated my trying to help. Also, I am at the rink with my daughter far more than the coach is so sometimes I do feel that I have valuable input. As an example, coach told my daughter to do a certain jump at the competition whereas she and I knew that she was not likely to land it because she hadn't been landing it much all week. Ultimately, my daughter followed the coach's advice but she felt that she should have had more of a say.

We since have switched coaches and I have learned that a coach who values parent and skater input is a better fit for our family. I still defer to the coach on technical advice as I always did. I also would never yell at my daughter because skating is an optional, recreational event, not a requirement.

However, as parents, and as customers (the skaters and parents are a coach's customers) we shouldn't have to blindly follow whatever the coach says. In a past blog regarding skating during vacation, one question was does the coach require skating over vacation. For all but the very top skaters, it shouldn't be up to the coach. This is just one example of where the parent and skater should make the decision of what's best for the family.

So, as usual in life, balance is key. Respect the coach but the coach should also respect the family and value input. I also believe the skater should have more say in whether Mom is helping or not.

Hi, Mom. Thanks for the comment!

I think you’re right: some coaches try to take over every aspect of their skaters’ lives from diet to other forms of recreation. That’s not cool.

I also think you’re right about finding a coach who is a good fit for the family. I’m someone who needs to be able to talk to Ice Girl’s coach, too. I think that Ice Coach is someone who listens to what Ice Girl wants and tries to help her achieve her goals. It’s a good fit.

However, for me, I’m pretty uncomfortable with the coaching from the sidelines thing. As a purely economical argument, I can see why parents do it, but as the Queen of Cheap, I’ve decided against it. I don’t want to pay for my daughter’s coach to undo my clumsy coaching efforts.

It’s hard, I think, because parents are their children’s first and best teacher (at least that’s what we say in education). It’s our nature to give instruction. I totally understand. But I fight it when it comes to the rink. I don’t have to fight it at all when it comes to science or math!

Hi, Mom. Thanks for the comment!

I think you're right: some coaches try to take over every aspect of their skaters' lives from diet to other forms of recreation. That's not cool.

I also think you're right about finding a coach who is a good fit for the family. I'm someone who needs to be able to talk to Ice Girl's coach, too. I think that Ice Coach is someone who listens to what Ice Girl wants and tries to help her achieve her goals. It's a good fit.

However, for me, I'm pretty uncomfortable with the coaching from the sidelines thing. As a purely economical argument, I can see why parents do it, but as the Queen of Cheap, I've decided against it. I don't want to pay for my daughter's coach to undo my clumsy coaching efforts.

It's hard, I think, because parents are their children's first and best teacher (at least that's what we say in education). It's our nature to give instruction. I totally understand. But I fight it when it comes to the rink. I don't have to fight it at all when it comes to science or math!

Oh. My. God. Lightning is going to strike me down, I swear.

I did not coach from the stands. I did it from my kitchen. In my defense, I came clean and just told Ice Coach. Can you believe it? On a day that I post this sanctimonious thing I coached my kid.

Here’s what I did:
Ice Girl has been having trouble with some of her landings and she has a competition coming up. I gave her some good mental advice about coping with nerves and negative thoughts.
1. Visualization. Visualize yourself succeeding in your program. Run through it in your head and watch yourself as you land those jumps.
2. Positive self-talk. Instead of thinking I don’t know if I can land this, think about the steps involved instead. Say stuff like, step up or whatever the figure skating words would be. I don’t know. But narrate those movements on the ice and don’t give your mind time to say anything negative. When you land a jump, say to yourself good job.
3. Use a persona. Select a skater whom you admire and pretend to be that person on the ice. In other words, What Would Sasha Cohen do?

I think this might be coaching. It probably is. I can blur it in my mind as parenting, but I’m not sure.

Anyway, I just called Ice Coach and came clean. She laughed a little and thanked me for the call. She didn’t tell me to stop, but I think I will. This is for Ice Coach and Ice Girl to work out. I’m going to make scones for the trip and fill the tank up with gas.

Really. I promise.

Oh. My. God. Lightning is going to strike me down, I swear.

I did not coach from the stands. I did it from my kitchen. In my defense, I came clean and just told Ice Coach. Can you believe it? On a day that I post this sanctimonious thing I coached my kid.

Here's what I did:
Ice Girl has been having trouble with some of her landings and she has a competition coming up. I gave her some good mental advice about coping with nerves and negative thoughts.
1. Visualization. Visualize yourself succeeding in your program. Run through it in your head and watch yourself as you land those jumps.
2. Positive self-talk. Instead of thinking I don't know if I can land this, think about the steps involved instead. Say stuff like, step up or whatever the figure skating words would be. I don't know. But narrate those movements on the ice and don't give your mind time to say anything negative. When you land a jump, say to yourself good job.
3. Use a persona. Select a skater whom you admire and pretend to be that person on the ice. In other words, What Would Sasha Cohen do?

I think this might be coaching. It probably is. I can blur it in my mind as parenting, but I'm not sure.

Anyway, I just called Ice Coach and came clean. She laughed a little and thanked me for the call. She didn't tell me to stop, but I think I will. This is for Ice Coach and Ice Girl to work out. I'm going to make scones for the trip and fill the tank up with gas.

Really. I promise.

Yes, the “emotional year” was soooo fun – NOT! :~) It is nice to hear that another mom out there is going through the same things as I have been the last few years! I forgot to say we have used our camcorder in the past too, it has helped her fix some things when she was learning her double jumps. I think I only ever recorded my daughter twice upon her request but her coach has done it sometimes too. It does help them to be able to see what they are doing wrong, or even right! I know exactly what you mean about bringing a book or magazine as a distraction, laptops work well too if there is WiFi :~) I think there is a big temptation as a skating parent to get “too involved” – I have been guilty of this from time to time as have many moms I think. I once read an article about Mirai Nagasu (4th place at recent Olympics) – the article said that her mom always watched her skate and that the mom had hand signals for “skate faster, do that again, jump higher”, etc. ;~) I thought that was amusing, I really think that almost any mom who stays to watch frequently will end up getting involved to some degree and do just a little “coaching” – I think the important thing is to keep things to a minimum, try to point out positives, keep it light/fun when possible. To those with young (10 and under) “Ice Girls” you will find that any input/observations you have carry less weight anyway as your “Ice Girl” turns into an “Ice Teen” – Ice Teens are a scary thing! Shhhh, don’t tell my scary Ice Teen that I said that! :~D

Yes, the “emotional year” was soooo fun – NOT! :~) It is nice to hear that another mom out there is going through the same things as I have been the last few years! I forgot to say we have used our camcorder in the past too, it has helped her fix some things when she was learning her double jumps. I think I only ever recorded my daughter twice upon her request but her coach has done it sometimes too. It does help them to be able to see what they are doing wrong, or even right! I know exactly what you mean about bringing a book or magazine as a distraction, laptops work well too if there is WiFi :~) I think there is a big temptation as a skating parent to get “too involved” – I have been guilty of this from time to time as have many moms I think. I once read an article about Mirai Nagasu (4th place at recent Olympics) – the article said that her mom always watched her skate and that the mom had hand signals for “skate faster, do that again, jump higher”, etc. ;~) I thought that was amusing, I really think that almost any mom who stays to watch frequently will end up getting involved to some degree and do just a little “coaching” – I think the important thing is to keep things to a minimum, try to point out positives, keep it light/fun when possible. To those with young (10 and under) “Ice Girls” you will find that any input/observations you have carry less weight anyway as your “Ice Girl” turns into an “Ice Teen” – Ice Teens are a scary thing! Shhhh, don't tell my scary Ice Teen that I said that! :~D

Well…I’m going to say that this kind of thing – positive self talk, visualization, even breath control – are things that really are useful in so many ways. It’s the kind of thing acting coaches talk about, teachers, even we lowly Girl Scout Leaders help girls through the challenges of everything from pot-holder making to rock climbing using these skills. There’s a lot of transfer value.

However, you’re right, some coaches might have their own way of mentally training the skaters; on the other hand, some skaters have very specific rituals and methods to calm/focus themselves that came out of nowhere. I think you’re right to come clean and double check – but I think our kiddos will come across a lot of these type of either tried and true or “pop” methods for relaxing/focusing. Skating advice can come from all corners, from parents to YouTube to other skaters at the rink.

I’m one to snitch on myself pretty readily, and I think that makes for a good measure of trust with a coach. But I’ve been thinking about this…maybe what we also need to do is as our skater’s mature in their sport, to encourage our them to be the ones to bring any new ideas or information coming from other sources to their coach. I think that as they have their own conversations with the coaches, they will begin to learn better what types of new information to filter out immediately and what is more likely to jive with their coach’s way of doing things.

As someone else said, I get the feeling that with teen skaters, they naturally begin to take-over more and more responsibility for their own skating and their relationship with their coach. I’m still speaking as someone in the “tween” stage.

Thank you Jozet, for being so kind. After I called Ice Coach and came clean, I typed up the confessional and then called Ice Girl downstairs.

She thinks that the conversation was fine. She said it’s not like I’m telling her how to land a jump.

I don’t know. I’m still feeling weird about it. However, Ice Coach and I have a good deal of trust going on, so I don’t think she’s too worried about me and my pop psychology.

I think you and the other commenter are right, too. As skaters get older, they take over more and more for their training.

Man, I can’t wait for her to take over more and more of the driving. Do you know how I’m going to celebrate when she hauls herself to 6 a.m. ice? I do: in bed, curtains drawn, covers up. Ha!

I think more often than not though, the parent coaching from the stands is obnoxious and embarrassing…though not all are, I think the one that the kid hates doing it is more the norm..thus the rule. I too will help is she asks me to count revolutions etc. I don’t do much coaching at all, except, like you said, encouragement and some help with confidence builders etc.

I fully believe that what you did was parent, not coach. You were helping your daughter deal with nerves. You would do this for a competition, a hot date, a job interview, before she takes her SATs, when she’s getting ready for her driving test, etc. I don’t think in any way it undermines the coach. What works for one person to calm nerves may or may not work for another, and you know your child best because you’ve seen her in many more stressful situations than Ice Coach has. I think this definitely falls into the category of how to deal with life, not how to skate.

Really? I hope so. I think I’m going to turn it into a whole post and see what people think. Thanks, Lynne.

I have seen this TONS of times during practice ice and I’m a skater, testing my mom and dad of course, Anyway I hear them sitting by the boards yelling at their child to skate faster and jump higher and stuff. It doesn’t just bother their child, it also bothers other skaters trying to practice!!! Please, moms, stop coaching your child!!!

Thanks, Tia, for the skater’s perspective!

That’s a really good idea!!!!!!!

IKR! i see it happen all the time at practice 2! one girl who skates at my rink gets coached by her mom all the time! its annoying when i am trying to focus on my sit spin and you hear this crazy lady screaming at her kid! and even worse for the girl, her mom took a lesson so now she gets out on the ice and yells at her on the ice as well. she looks mortified and her coach looks ticked off as well!

I’m a skater and i don’t think coaching from the stands is that bad. I mean at my rink there is glass between the ice and the lobby where the parents sit so its not like they’re screaming at the kids. But once in a while there is one or two parents that are parents of beginners and they sit out on the bleachers in the actual rink and scream their lungs out about something dumb like having your hands to far up when you glide, it gets annoying real fast. But if the parents are in the lobby are sideline coaching its not that bad. My dad will tell me stuff about my double toe if it does not look right like if I’m landing it wrong or if my combination jump looks like a mess,some times my dad will point something out that my coach doesn’t tell me. Like if in my program has some stumbles in the same spot every time. Im OK with that. Also I have a question… In your program do the judges hate it if you act really cheesy,as in you make weird faces or do something outrageous with your arms? My coach is telling me that is why I’m not doing good when i compete but when i did it last year I always did good. My friends mom who is a skater told me that is what the judges look for, to see if Im having fun and what not. please help

This happens to me all the time. My mom always leans waves her arms at me. “Lani! LANI! Come here!” and I go there. “What’s that thing where you stick your leg out and spin leaning over?” She asks. Great. She doesn’t even know what the spin IS.
“A camel spin.”
“Well your leg isn’s straight, and your arms are suposed to be in front of you.” She coaches. WRONG. Your arms are not supposed to be in front. So of course, when I do my camel spin wit my arms in FRONT, Coach crosses her arms and gives me a 5 minute lecture about it. MOMS, cut it OUT!!!

Oops, I didn’t know that was wrong but now that you mention it I hated when my mom tried to coach basketball from the stands, especially because she could not play and did not know the rules.  I may be guilty of this but my daughter is in LTS and thus not a true figure skater, so forgive me if I have sinned.  What I do with my daughter is I look at the skills for her level on the internet (and then the next level) and watch LTS videos for those skills.  When we go to the rink and my daughter gets a little lonely or bored we practice those skills.  Like right now she is working on backward wiggles with a leg up – in preparation for backward crossovers.  I will tone it down though…