Figure Skating Testing: Money vs. Choice

Ultimately, you’re mom and you get final say. Given the change in tests, I think it’s more important that she puts in 150% now when she has a high probability of passing the first time around, so she doesn’t have to relearn MIF… she will probably thank you when she is much older … after all BF has 4 years of soccer games for her to watch. If she had spent less time/effort because of boyfriend and didn’t pass, she’d wonder what if. Now there are no what if’s.

What a tough dilemma. I think that I would have done the same thing as you, though our tests cost more like $80…yikes.

I would definitely acknowledge my child’s feelings and commiserate with him, but I would also point out the timeliness of the situation and the commitment that he signed on for. And yes, there are more soccer games, but not more FIRST soccer games {sigh}, but there is only one chance to get this one test passed.

In the long run I think that she will understand, but {alas} maybe not until she has a 15 year old of her own…

Good luck to IG!

It is Ice Girl’s sport but it is YOUR money. If both of you decided in advance how to best be prepared for the test; extra lesson and extra ice time then that’s where the commitment is from both of you. Besides “boyfriend” has at least 8 or more games left in the season. Done deal.

I’m coming down on the side of

You made the commitment with both your time and your money. If she’s breaking her end of the deal, she owes you for the money for the missed test, plus pay for the next. I understand that there was ice time paid for devoted to the test, and I don’t know if there’s a formula to work out to hand her a bill for that. I think her paying for the missed test plus her paying for the next test – because fool me once – should do the trick.

This is the tough part and the part of skating that isn’t just about skating. A lot of people devoted time and money to her, she made a commitment, and now she’s backing out. That’s her decision. However, for every action there are natural or logical consequences. That’s a life lesson, not just a skating lesson.

You – we – are getting to the point where to stay at a level and to progress will take more money and more commitment on our parts. I refuse to attempt to push my skater through the ranks. We just had the same sort of conversation a few days ago (minus the boyfriend). If my daughter wants to rec skate or go back to less ice time, fewer lessons, no competitions, skating more purely as exercise…okay. But I’m not setting alarms and kicking people out of bed or putting out money to waste. I’m 100% supportive of however far she wants to go in her sport – or any of her endeavors – to the point of taking on extra hours at work here or there…but along with that comes lessons of responsibility and, yes, gratitude.

However, I fully support your decision this time, because it’s equally valid. You’re the momma.

And seriously, any boyfriend worth his soccer cleats would tell his talented and hard-working girlfriend to never mind about the first game of the season: her Intermediate Moves test – her event – is important, too. Ooooh, those boyfriends!

Thank you! She wants to test, so she signed up for the lessons! My problem is that I’ve always said she can drop back, skip a practice with payment (to me), etc.

My mistake: laying down that choice thing early.

I refuse to attempt to push my skater through the ranks. We just had the same sort of conversation a few days ago (minus the boyfriend). If my daughter wants to rec skate or go back to less ice time, fewer lessons, no competitions, skating more purely as exercise…okay. But I’m not setting alarms and kicking people out of bed or putting out money to waste. I’m 100% supportive of however far she wants to go in her sport – or any of her endeavors – to the point of taking on extra hours at work here or there…but along with that comes lessons of responsibility and, yes, gratitude.

Amen.

BTW, I did bring volleyball into the discussion. Still nothing. She wants to skate, apparently.

UPDATE: Ice Girl went to her lesson, raced out of the rink, took her skates off in the car, did a quick change into something girly and teenage-y, and went to the game.

The boyfriend and his team lost, 2 – 1.

Ice Coach says Ice Girl’s brackets look good. (Crossing fingers.)

If she want’s to make time for the boyfriend – mandatory boyfriend activities need to be considered as you plan her training schedule. His soccer season is known well in advance. If it’s mandatory that she goes you and ice coach are going to have to make adjustments. DON’T make her choose between the boyfriend and skating. Remember Romeo and Juliet.

This weekend is a learning experience. I hope she passes, but if she has to learn an entirely different test and re-take it, you will be right there to remind her about priorities. I’d be saying “but that soccer game was IMPORTANT, wasn’t it?” That’s just me.

I only say this as a mom who has “been there”. Not over a boyfriend but over the weekends where my ex had custody. Maybe he would take her to ice time, but he was so absentminded (beginning to see why we divorced?) that I could never be sure that what I thought was going to happen would happen.

So I learned to plan training around the custody schedule. If the coach wanted to coach my daughter she had to adjust to the reality. Which was a training schedule that moved more slowly than the coach would have liked because of these breaks which I knew well ahead had to be taken.

Find out when boyfriend plays soccer the rest of the season and explain to ice girl that she is going to have to plan her practicing so she has the free time to attend his games without compromising her participation in a sport.

Also look at his soccer schedule and see if he is planning to miss any games to see your daughter compete.

Tell him he should discuss it with HIS coach. It’s only fair . . . . . I’m just sayin’ . . . .

Several years and boyfriends from now, she won’t give a hoot about having missed watching the game, but she’ll remember the test, whether she passes it or not, she’ll remember that it was an important stepping stone in her skating.

Oh, I do not look forward to this “boyfriend” stuff…. My daughter just started high school this year though so it may not be long… We have had similar situations with skating vs. afterschool activities, skating vs. babysitting job offers, etc. So far she almost always chooses skating. I have made it clear that it is her choice, she can choose to cut back on skating, but so far no go. Now, it is a different thing when a test or a comp. is approaching though, I always make it very clear that once I sign up for any test or comp that I expect NO slacking in the ice time, expect lots of practice, hard work, possibly extra practices, etc. It’s basically a “contract” between us: I pay all this money = you work hard & practice for it (the test or comp). There’s no backing out of the contract unless you intend to reimburse me the money I have already spent. A friend of mine had a policy I basically agree with as far as Moves tests go (her daughter was in high school with a job at this time) – her policy was : “If you don’t pass the Moves test on the 1st try then fine, if you don’t pass on the 2nd try then I expect to be reimbursed the money that it cost me.” – She found this to be a good incentive to get her daughter to work hard on Moves! :~) I guess I would have told IG to go to the BF’s game as long as she was willing to pay you for the missed ice time, missed lesson time, and ALL the testing fees if she didn’t pass. Think she’d still have wanted to go to the game? ;~) That’s an expensive soccer game…..

Ha! Talk to HIS coach about missing a game! You made my day!

Honestly, I don’t blame you. It isn’t like there won’t be another soccer game, and it will be free (and a retest and the extra lessons to learn the new patterns will not be free). My dd (9) did not pass the brackets on the intermediate moves- this was in May. Shortly thereafter coach and I and jumping bean decided on the move to Juvenile, so she had to take two freeskate tests, work on a brand new Juv program and make sure those doubles were all solid- quite a bit to ask of a 9 year old girl who just left Pre-pre behind…so we decided to skip the retry before Sept 1 even though she will have to learn the new patterns.

Ice Mom you were 100% right. IG’s offered to reimburse you, but it’s not always about money, it’s about being rational. Not preparing for the MIF test and attending BF’s Soccer game was an emotional decision she would have soon regretted.

This is why my middle dd no longer gets lessons. She says she wants to, but her actions do not match her words…you know always leaving the ice to tie her skates, go to the bathroom, get a drink…..and is standing there always asking if she can be DONE practicing now. I refuse to put out tons of money for that.

You bet, synchmomto2. I think that there are signs that a figure skater wants to quit. One is asking to leave the ice!

Maybe another is wanting to go to the boyfriend’s soccer game. Hmm.

I cannot figure out why to this day 1- she still insists she wants to take skating lessons and 2 – why she just doesn’t admit she doesn’t love it.

Ack! I got sick to my stomach just reading this – and it had nothing to do with the 1/2 bag of candy corn I ate (blech). I would have made her go. I wouldn’t tell her this part but boyfriends come and go. However, I would have told her that all the work she’s put into testing, it’s important for her to go. Yes, the soccer game is important to him but he’s not having to pay for soccer like you are for skating. It’s a matter of commitment. Not half commitment (thus half the lesson). Once the testing is completed, she can dedicate that time to BF. I pity you girl…..

Hey sunchmomto2, do we have the same daughter? lol. My daughter does the same thing so I had to give her the commitment/dedication speech. I told her that if she’s not going to be dedicated to skating, then I’m not going to commit my money or driving time to bringing her. We’ll see how the year goes once school starts.

I had the conversation a dozen times– thing would change for one or two days, and then back to the same. If her sister wasn’t so good and dedicated, she’d have been done LONG ago.

Boyfriends, I am beginning to gather, are a tougher competitor for time than volleyball.

Of course she wants to skate. She puts a lot of work into it on her own and without your prodding.

She’s also a teen girl. And I’m guessing he’s a pretty nifty boy. Perfect storm.

This is smart and astute. Yes, the last thing I want to do is make some dude the forbidden fruit. Yikes!

But yes, young ladies are going to fancy young men and vice versa. Some sacrifices need to be made, but skating should not completely exclude a few waxing and waning infatuations – one more thing to work into the schedule, very true!

Yay for brackets looking good!

Yay for making the game and the lesson!

Yay for boyfriend playing a good game but staying humble!

BTW, I completely misunderstood! I thought she was skipping the test for the game, so my response was a little over the top.

That is true, but I really loathe to see teen girls forget everything about themselves for a boy….the soccer thing sounds too much like that for my liking. It bothers me to see teen girls put what their boyfriends find important over what they find important…I say, if the boyfriend doesn’t understand…tell him don’t let the door hit him in the arse on the way out it.

I totally agree with you, synchmomto2. However, I think she’s battling the expectation of what a girlfriend does in addition to what she wants.

Last school year she was “dating” this kid, but they only went on one actual date – to an open skate, of course! She took a lot of teasing about how her boyfriend was a Facebook boyfriend only.

Making me nuts!

Oh yes, my 15 year old daughter had what I called a ‘virtual’ boyfriend last year- they didn’t even go to the same school! It was all text, IM and Facebook. I told her I was cool with it since she couldn’t get virtually pregnant— she didn’t think I was funny! ; )

If it was her money then she could go to the boyfriend’s game as she pleases. But as long as you are paying, I say you get to call the shots. I know she will feel differently if that was her hard earned money that went to “waste” if she skipped out on practice. She would probably have told the bf she would just meet him after the game, or go to the next one. Perhaps schedule her ice time/practice around the soccer games so at least she gets to practice AND support the bf.

If she was my daughter I probably would have made her pay me back for the missed ice/lesson whenever she decides to skip out. Only fair!

I have seen a lot of skaters quit over boys. I think at the high school level it is common for girls to want to be more of the in crowd at school, and skating really doesn’t give them the time to do that. Some stick with skating, but a lot leave and become the popular girls at school (they are used to juggling school work and without skating they have a LOT more time to party). I have seen a lot of girls leave skating to go to track and cheer-leading. I don’t really have much advice for how to keep them in skating, I think most leave and enjoy their new life enough to not miss it much. Although boys seem to be a major factor in this the ex-skaters always seem to have other activities as well, so I suppose that is a plus. However, I have also seen the moms who come back and push their kids hard because they never passed their ___insert level here___ test and were really close. Most of them left over a boy. And I decided I did not want to be one of those people and I was going to take my tests, regardless or anything else I may or may not do with skating.

However, I have seen the other side of it; losing boys over skating. At the high school level is this tragic? Probably not, but your teen will make it seem so. At the 20+ stage of life? Maybe it is time to move on from personal dreams and goals, I don’t know. It is one thing to realize you will never be a world-class level skater, but something else to give up on an attainable goal. Perhaps it is selfish to have goals that will take another 3-5 years at this point in life, I am not sure. Something I am struggling with and failing, it seems. Ah, well. I suppose this is that “life experience” thingy I hear so much about.

Best of luck on the brackets though, and the test in general. Hopefully there can be some logical thinking before the next few games and the scheduling can sort itself out so the emotional drama is less. My best advice is to tell ice girl that she will want to look back at skating and have no regrets. If she had quit because of the axel, she would have regretted it. As the mom with the life experience and the checkbook I think you have the right to help your daughter do the right thing so she won’t regret this test opportunity, and even if she is fighting it now, she will thank you later.

I think you did the right thing. I understand your frustration with your daughter. I’m going through similar issues with my daughter.

I think that if this type of situation occurs in the future, than you might allow her to go to the game but if she does not pass her test than you should make her pay you back for the test session or do extra chores around the house to pay you back. Make sure you explain that this is the consequence for her decision to go.

Also if she is showing you by her actions on the ice that she will be able to pass the test by missing the lesson or practice ice than you should allow her to go as a reward for her hard work. Hope this helps!:) Season

Maybe she wants to be in the spotlight like sister and doesn’t know how else to best accomplish that.

Wise words about the boyfriend issue, invisible. The boyfriend shot up in our esteem over the weekend. Ice Girl left a very nice necklace in the grass at the park (she took it off to do cartwheels). He went up to the park and scoured the lawn until he found it.

Points. Points. Points.

Plus, she passed her test. I think she’s glad she practiced now.

Hey, Season.

Thanks for being on my side! I don’t want to tell you I’m glad you’re going through the same thing with your daughter, but I kind of am glad I’m not the only one.

Thanks for the good advice about paying me back and doing extra chores. That totally works for me!

Diane

If IG watched the soccer game, I would get her to pay the testing fee, even if she did pass. Howerver, if IG didn’t watch “The Boyfriends” soccer game, I would have let her watch their last game of the season. The second suggestion lets you reschedule your ice time about 8 (???) weeks in advance.

If IG watched the soccer game, I would get her to pay the testing fee, even if she did pass. Howerver, if IG didn’t watch “The Boyfriends” soccer game, I would have let her watch their last game of the season. The second suggestion lets you reschedule your ice time about 8 (???) weeks in advance.

If IG watched the soccer game, I would get her to pay the testing fee, even if she did pass. Howerver, if IG didn’t watch “The Boyfriends” soccer game, I would have let her watch their last game of the season. The second suggestion lets you reschedule your ice time about 8 (???) weeks in advance.

i would never ever miss a test session or a lesson to go see some sweaty boy play soccer, he’s not gonna miss his soccer game to come see her compete or test, so why should she give up her time? if she was at my rink there would be some major gossip! lol
he has tons of soccer games, but she only has her intermediate moves test once…. hopefully

boyfriend should be supportive of her ice time and skating, it is something he should tell her to do because he knows she likes/loves it. He should come to her competitions WHEN HE CAN and she should go to his games WHEN SHE CAN. it is not a end all to skating becuase she now has a boyfriend. And if this doesnt work out between them and she failed her test, that month of practice before the next test without the boyfriend WILL BE EVEN WORSE. i think you were right on on this one ice mom.