Ask the Ice Moms: How Do I Drop My Figure Skating Coach/Mom?

This is the most difficult question any reader has submitted. I’ve doctored the e-mail to protect the writer’s identity.

My mom is my coach and she’s EVIL to me, no kidding. I’m 13 and novice level and she’s like obsessed with me going to nationals like she did when she was young. But I don’t want to go to nationals because then skating would get too serious and just want it to be a fun hobby. I love meeting my goals and I’m happy with going to regionals or sectionals, but I’ve never wanted to be a national or international competitor! I don’t really have a lot of say in the matter.

In practice, she’s really harsh on me and yells at me and makes horrible comments like I can’t do anything right, and whenever I try to talk to her about it, she’s like “At home I can be your mom,  but at the rink I have to be your coach.” But I’ve actually seen her with some of her other students and she’s really nice to them, even the highly competitive ones!

It’s not that I want to quit; I really want to skate, but I’d like to do so with a coach who respects what I want from it, and doesn’t yell at me or try to make me go to nationals. Obviously I can’t fire her because she’s my mom! I feel like that girl in the Ice Princess movie! Is there anything I can do??

Before the Advisory Board comments, I want to let you know that it is not my intention to pass judgment on either the skater or the parent. I’m sure that the parent believes what she’s doing is right, just as I’m sure that the child feels powerless. Perception is reality.

I requested that the Professional Skaters Association weigh in on this matter, but as of the posting time, no one from the PSA had responded to my query.

For an update on Skater and Mom/Coach, read Ask the Ice Moms Update: Figure Skater and Mom/Coach

Jozet at Halushki, who has a skater who will compete at regionals this fall. (Have you seen Josette’s Awesome Figure Skating Group on Facebook?)

I know how tough it can be to have a conversation with a person when you’re trying to get your feelings and opinions across, and the other person is continually trying to shut-down what you’re saying or turns a discussion about your feelings into a debate. You did a great job of getting across your thoughts and feelings in your email to Ice Mom - have you tried writing this all down and telling your mom how you feel in a letter? That way you can say *everything* you want to say and at least feel like you’re being fully heard, not cut off by her usual replies. Tell your mom what you love about skating and what your goals are. If you want to keep her as a coach, tell her what is working, but what isn’t working and why. And mom or not, coach or not, no one should be yelled at and made to feel bad – especially when you are obviously working so hard (Novice level! That’s a Big Deal!)

I think you have a right to tell her how being yelled at and put down makes you feel – about yourself, about your skating – and let her know that critiques and feedback are welcome, but that when anyone puts you down over and over again – a coach, a teacher, an employer, a boyfriend- you are not going to make yourself available to hear it anymore.

Skating is important. However, it’s much more important for a 13-year-old girl to have a good relationship with her mom. Some people can separate “Now you are my coach” from “Now you are my parent,” but I’d say it’s a rare and difficult ability, if possible at all. If you feel like you’re having trouble keeping a good relationship with your mom because of skating, you need to tell her that, too. Tell her in the letter how much you love her and what you like about your relationship off-ice, and let her know that that you’re worried that even though she can separate being coach and parent, you are having trouble doing that.

And that you really need a good relationship with your mom right now, more so than you need her as a skating coach.

Allison Scott, mom to an Olympic figure skater, survivor of many rinks, professional communicator, new grandmother, and blogger at Life on the Edge.

Have you sat down and talked away from the rink about how your plans and hers are not on the same track? I know it is easy to say and very, very difficult to do. Do you have a dad at home? Have you talked to a grandparent, aunt or anyone else about this? What would be the fallout if you just quit – at least for awhile? If you don’t want to go to Nationals, this may be your only solution. Would there be physical violence? These are serious questions that I am not sure we, as armchair observers, can answer effectively. It seems to me that someone within the family needs to be the go-between.

SeasonedSk8rmom, adult skater and mom to a novice-level skater who just passed her junior moves!

There are so many underlying issues that are going on with this relationship that there is not enough space via e-mail to discuss them all. I feel that the skater should try her best to find a new coach and delicately explain to her mother that she wants and needs her mother to be her parent and supporter, not her coach. She is old enough now to make her own decisions regarding her skating. It is difficult to work with a parent as a coach who is trying to live her childhood dreams through her daughter. I think that if this young girl had been working with a coach instead of her mother, she may have had a desire to go to nationals. If the mother had been a kind and friendly supporter of her daughter’s skating, she may have aspired to want to be a national-level competitor. I think that this young skater should talk to other coaches at her rink and find a coach that she would like to work with and then set up a meeting for the coach and herself and her mother to discuss how to proceed with her skating. She should also let her mother know that maybe if she stops pushing her so hard to become a national level skater and allows this desire to evolve on its own, then she may change her mind about wanting to skate at the national level. She should also let her mother know that this is a sport and she enjoys skating and she wants it to be fun. The more her mother pushes her and does not encourage and support her love and happiness in skating, the more her daughter will not only want to pull away from skating, but also pull away from her mother and their relationship. He mother may not agree to this decision at first, but if the skater is persistent and can find a coach that will support her, then her mother may eventually come around to allowing her to have a different coach.

Skittles Skates is a young adult ice skater living out her childhood dream. She took Basic 1 as a child and came back to skating at age 24. She chronicles her skating experience at Skittles_Skates

This is a really tough spot to be in. I think I would be as honest as possible with my mom and tell her that I felt she wasn’t treating me the same as other skaters and that she was trying too hard to separate Mom from Coach.  I would bring up the subject of liking to try lessons with another coach, but due to cost issues, I think the skater might need to understand that that may not be possible.  I would also remind my mom that my skating is not her skating, and it’s a mistake for parents to live through their children.  Perhaps ask to talk with Mom at home, and tell her you want to sit down and have a talk with “Mom,” and tell Mom ahead of time that the discussion is about your skating coach, and ask that she be “Mom” and not “Coach” at the time.  Then without saying “you” (because this is “Mom” not “Coach”) describe how you feel at the rink and how you feel about skating. (“Mom, I’m not happy with my Coach.  I think that she is harsher with me than other skaters, and I think that she has set goals for me that do not mirror my own.  I want to be a good skater, but I don’t want it to rule my life. I think my Coach wants it to be my life.) It’s a difficult exercise, but one that people who wear two hats often have to give a try.

Helicopter Mom, mother to a 10-year-old Preliminary level skater who is currently healing a broken ankle

I think there should be a rule that parents can’t coach their kids in any sport!  It’s particularly hard in skating because coaches are expensive – why should you pay a stranger if you can do it better yourself?  I’ve seen this sort of situation and I always feel bad for the kids – of course, most of the time, the parent is a awesome coach and can get so much out of their skater!  But they lose the chance to be that supportive parent that every kid needs.  First of all, can you tell your mom that you are not as driven as she was?  That your goal isn’t Nationals or Worlds and that you’d love to compete as far as Regionals or Sectionals, but that pushing it any further would take the fun out of it for you? Maybe she would let you have a lesson with another coach she respects – if it can seem like it’s her idea that you work with someone else, maybe she will go for it.  If she really wants you to succeed, she may be willing to let go a little.  If she won’t…  maybe this is more about her than you…  If you can find a time to talk to her about how she coaches you vs. how she seems to coach her other skaters, maybe she will lighten up a little.  Good luck with it!

Sk8rmom p, mom to an intermediate-level male figure skater

I am so sorry that you are in this situation.  Sometimes we parents are so eager for our children to have same the wonderful experiences we did and also to maybe do even better.  Your mom probably recognizes the talent in you and wants you to be successful, even more successful than she was.  We mean well, and we do it because we love our children so much and want the “best” for them.  But we are only human and as most human beings, we forget that our children are people in their own right, not an extension of ourselves.  It might be hard for you to understand now, but teenage years are when our children start to move away from us, to become independent, to know what they want.  You as a teen are learning so much about who you are and what you want out of your life.  We must be patient with your exploration.  Please be patient with us (your mom), too.  Because if she is like me, she is just learning that you are separate from her and not the little child of the past who worshiped everything she did.  It’s hard for us to let go, so be gentle, but be firm.  We moms need to be taught, too.

Talk to her, be honest.  Tell her that you love her as a mom, but as a coach, she is really pushing you too hard.  Tell her how you feel about skating.  That you love it, but not the same way she did when she was younger.  Tell her exactly what you just said here, maybe not about her being EVIL LOL, but that you know she can be nice (give her examples of other kids she works with and what she does with them), and that you would love it if she could be more supportive of you rather than harsh.

Tell her that you understand that it might be really disappointing to her that you don’t want to strive to be a high level competitor at this time, but that you hope she respects this decision.  That you still love skating and want to continue to improve your skills.  Be prepared for her to be very sad (and this might come out in anger sometimes).  She’ll cool down eventually.

If after this talk you can tell that she still won’t be a good coach for you, ask her if you could try being coached by someone else for a trial.  To give you both a break.  Or, maybe there is someone that is good with spins or something that you could have them “special” you, so it’s not a total break.

Hopefully by talking to her and being honest with her about your goals, she will start to see how she treats you and change.

If just trying to talk with her is not comfortable for you, I would suggest maybe watching the movie Ice Princess with her and then talk to her about the scene where the girl doesn’t want to go to the college that her mom wants her to go to.  “Hey mom, I thought that that girl had courage to talk to her mom about what she wanted versus what her mom wanted for her.”   Or the other scene where the coaches dd wants her to lighten up.  Um…can we talk?

Sometimes writing a letter works, too.  It will help you to get your thoughts together even if you don’t give it to her.

Be calm and mature and don’t yell and scream.

Also, don’t count yourself out of high-level competition in the future.  If your mom can back off, you might find that you really love skating and want to pursue competition.  But until it’s your own goal, you might not know it.  It has happened before, with another coach’s child (this skater is really competitive now).

If nothing works, then show her this blog.  I think she might see how much this has affected you.

Best wishes to you.  Remember, she loves you, and you love her.  Be patient and work it out.  She’s one of the best friends you’ll ever have whether you skate or not.  And thank you for reminding me to watch myself.  I tend to be more harsh than supportive sometimes, and I really only want to help my own child.  I will be nicer for sure thanks to you.  Thanks for teaching me!

Nora: Junior National competitor, gold test in Moves, FS, International tests in Ice Dance, former show skater with Disney on Ice , and Xan’s daughter (Xan, adult skater, figure skating coach, Nora’s mom, and blogger at Xanboni, Sconeday, and Mahlzeit.)

I’ve known a few people who have had a parent as a coach and I think in general it’s not a good idea.  It creates a lot of unnecessary tension.  Sometimes of course it’s mostly “I’m 13 and my mom hates me!” whiny stuff that’s not really what the girl says it is. In this case, I think the mom is not listening to what the girl wants. She is tying to pressure her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. However, when you want to compete seriously at regionals and sectionals, skating is no longer a hobby and this might be why the mother wants her to go to nationals. If your goal is to place at sectionals, you are going to nationals and that’s something this girl should keep in mind.

The only solution to this one is to talk it out. They need to sit down and CALMLY tell each other why they are acting the way they are.  I think that keeping skating and family separate is a good thing.  If the kid really wants to switch to someone else, the mom’s feelings are going to be hurt at first, but in the end they will have a mother-daughter relationship and not some strained, broken relationship.

Ice Mom, parent of Ice Girl, a high school student and preliminary-level skater

I remember how it was to be 13 and feel at the mercy of my parents. It’s not easy. Developmentally, it’s a time when adolescents begin the separation process from their parents and become independent, young adults. It’s a tough time because they are still living at Mom and Dad’s house, still dependent upon Mom and Dad for basic needs, but yet they’re having thoughts and interests of their own. Sometimes they even rebel against their parents, just for the sake of rebellion. This is normal. It’s not pleasant, but if adolescence was pleasant, our teens would live at home until they were 30.

As a parent of a freshman, I know that I can barely tell Ice Girl to go to bed without some sort of push back. Ice Girl’s a good kid. She’s not snotty in general. Her teachers like her. Ice Coach adores her. Young skaters follow her around at the rink like she’s Mary Poppins.

But I’m her mom. That doesn’t mean I put up with a lot of guff, but that does mean that I get more of it. Again, developmentally, this is normal. Adolescents test limits, they see their parents’ flaws, they spend endless hours grooming themselves and looking in the mirror, they value their friends more than their family, they’re moody, awkward, and dramatic.

The parent-teen dynamic is tough enough without introducing another layer to it: the coach-student dynamic.

My advice to you, 13-year-old reader, is to find an adult you can trust. If you were breaking up with your coach who wasn’t your mom, I’d tell you to take your mom with you to the rink and sit down with the coach so the three of you could talk. You need your mom in that situation because you need an advocate. You’re still a kid and you need an adult to help balance the power in the coach-student equation.

Obviously, that’s not going to work for you. So find an adult advocate, a mom substitute. I’m hoping it’s Dad or Grandma. It might be a parent at the rink. It could be your school guidance counselor. Confide in this person and ask your advocate to help you talk to your coach.

When you talk to your coach, keep in mind that you’re talking to your coach. If the conversation gets off track, remind everyone that you’re there to talk to your coach, not your mom. Be calm. Keep words like evil out of the conversation. Give examples for the reasons you want another and explain what you want from the conversation.

When the conversation is at a close, ask your Mom whom she’d recommend for you as a coach. After all, she’s still your Mom and she knows you best.

I sincerely wish you well.

What do you think, readers? How should this young lady approach her Coach/Mom? What should she be sure to do? What should she avoid doing? Thank you in advance for your help.

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Do you have a question for Ice Mom or the Advisory Board? I don’t have a topic for Ask the Ice Moms for next Friday, so this is a great time to e-mail me. Do you have a suggestion for a post you’d like to read? Wonderful. E-mail me at IceMom.Diane@gmail.com.

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Photo credits:
mother daughter moment: Ctd 2005 / Chris Darling on Flickr.com Creative Commons
The Hands of Mother: Alex E. Proimos / Alex Proimos on Flickr.com Creative Commons
5 of 5 Mother with son playing in the water at Morro Bay beach: mikebaird / Mike Baird on Flickr.com Creative Commons
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers: legends2k / Sundaram Ramaswamy on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Mother’s Day II: edenpictures / Eden, Janine and Jim on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Mothers Day1: djakartafotografi.com / Christopher Bunjamin on Flickr.com Creative Commons
my precious: DaizyB / Anne-Marie on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Little hula girl (with her mother): tanakawho on Flickr.com Creative Commons
happy mother’s day 2k9: soot+chalk / Wil Kristin on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Mother and Daughter: basykes / Bev Sykes on Flickr.com Creative Commons
mother [tattoo]: lindsay.dee.bunny / Lindsay on Flickr.com Creative Commons
IMG_3647 [toddler with Mom tattoo]: ryancboren / Ryan Boren on Flickr.com Creative Commons