Ask the Ice Moms: What to Say When Coach Drops a Figure Skating Student

Today’s question comes from a mom who doesn’t know what to say after the coach let another figure skater go. Would you tell your kid the truth or a little white lie?

My nine-year-old daughter is very close to a very nice young 13 year-old-skater skater who is currently skating the same level as she is…well, her mother though, is a total tyrant. This skater is very talented, but has been lagging behind in ice time and lessons and probably could have gone much farther by now. Anyway, the mother, well, she disparages the coaches loudly in the rink, rumor has it she doesn’t pay on time, and she is downright RUDE to her daughter and the coaches at the rink in front of everyone.

So, this weekend at a competition, it was apparently the last straw…the mother was yelling at the coaches using the F-bomb in the middle of the competition – EVERYONE could hear including the judges, the referee, the other coaches and young skaters. She then bullied her way into the critique with the coaches and her daughter even though she was asked not to go in. She told the coaches she would NOT allow her daughter to go and tell my daughter that it was time for the off-ice competition warm-up with the coaches as they were competing AGAINST each other! It was awful.

So the coaches declined to teach the daughter anymore. Would you tell your skater why this happened or make up something more pleasant?

Xan, adult skater, figure skating coach, parent of a Junior Nationals competitor and current show skater, and blogger at Xanboni, Sconeday, and Mahlzeit.

Nine years old is old enough to get at least an expurgated version of the truth, especially since she’s probably witnessed some of the situations herself, as well as probably talked about it with her friends at the rink, possibly even the skater directly involved.  You’ll be totally off the hook if the child brings it up (“how come Mary doesn’t skate here anymore”) because you’ll be able to give a straight answer– “her mother behaved inappropriately by swearing in public and going to a private meeting that was for coaches only.  Just like when you are mean to people they don’t want to talk to you anymore, well, it works like that for adults too.” Finish with sympathy for the child. (I just feel bad that Mary has to suffer for it too.)  If she doesn’t bring it up, I’d wait for an opening to work it in, rather than confronting it directly.

Unless this mother manages to get the kid banned from competition (it happens), she’ll undoubtedly manage to find a coach who doesn’t mind dealing with it.

Allison Scott, mom to an Olympic figure skater, survivor of many rinks, professional communicator, new grandmother, and blogger at Life on the Edge.

This has to be used as a lesson for your skater. The club should have dealt with this a LONG time ago. In the past, we have had parents banned from a rink when this type of behavior occurred. There is no way to sugar coat it. What the coaches did was appropriate, and it sound like it was long overdue. Bullies cannot be tolerated, whether they are coaches, other skaters or parents. While I have said many times that the parent is the employee, this kind of behavior would not be allowed in a workplace. It is harassment and can have legal implications. With the advice of PSA and/or an attorney, the coaches, club and the rink could file a restraining order against the parent if the behavior continues.

SeasonedSk8rmom, adult skater and mom to a novice-level skater who just passed her junior moves!

I’m not clear if the mother is asking for advice regarding what to say to her daughter about the situation that the other skater is experiencing or if she wants advice regarding how she and her daughter should respond to the situation that is happening with the other skater.

If the mother is asking for advice on how to discuss the situation with her daughter, then I would have to say that the truth is the best option. The mother has to be careful because she does not want to tell her daughter things that are not absolutely true. This will only spread gossip and can potentially create problems for her and her daughter. She should reassure her daughter that what is going on between the coaches and the other skater has nothing to do with her and her own relationship with the coaches. She also needs to explain to her daughter that if the other skater has to move on to another coach, that does not mean that her daughter and the other skater can’t still be friends and it does not change their friendship relationship. The other skater might really need some friends to be their to support her and have someone their she can talk to about her frustrations with her mother.

It makes me very sad to hear that a mother is sabotaging her daughter’s success as a skater. I understand how difficult this sport can be on parents of skaters. It can be very challenging to separate your emotions from being a parent and a supporter of your skater from the financial and emotional frustration that this sport can place on parents, skaters and their families. I hope that the actions of the mother will not cause problems with her relationship with her daughter in the future after she has moves on from skating into adulthood. This mother I feel realizes that the clock is ticking on her daughter’s potential for national and international success in this sport and she is also struggling with the fact that her daughter will be in high school and then college soon. This can be a very frustrating time in a parent’s life, especially when you put so much time, money and energy into the sport of skating. I know it can be challenging to talk to someone when they are very obnoxious, but, her mom may need another parent to be their for her to talk to and give her support. I think that the mother who is asking for advice should try to be supportive of this mother who is acting so ridiculously, and talk to her, instead of talking about her and the problems she is having with her daughter and her daughter’s coaches.

Skittles Skates is a young adult ice skater living out her childhood dream. She took Basic 1 as a child and came back to skating at age 24. She chronicles her skating experience at Skittles_Skates

I think I would tell the daughter, as it is obvious that most of the rink knows the reason (if as many people heard the mom cussing out the coach as was written). I would keep it short and simple, but not pretend it didn’t happen. Something like “Skater B no longer gets lessons with coach because of how her mother acted at the competition. The mom’s behavior made the coach feel uncomfortable working with Skater B any longer.” And if you feel it would help/is true, “It’s not Skater B’s fault, and there is no reason you two cannot still be friends and talk with each other while putting your skates on.”

Helicopter Mom, mother to a 10-year-old Preliminary level skater who is currently healing a broken ankle

That’s a terrible situation – I probably wouldn’t sugar coat it, but I wouldn’t tell my daughter all the details either (although she probably knows anyway – particularly if it all happened at a competition!). I would explain that the girl’s mom and coach just aren’t able to work together, and although the girl didn’t do anything wrong, she will probably be getting a new coach.  I don’t know if that means changing rinks or if they’ll still be able to skate together but it might be hard on the girls’ friendship. I might warn my daughter about that, too. What a difficult position for that poor kid! For both kids!

Ice Mom, mother to a 14-year-old figure skater.

I bet you anything that the 9-year-old knows. I bet she knows because she’s seen the way this mom behaves at the rink, how she embarrasses her daughter, and how the coaches stand together and mutter after the mom leaves.

If my kid asked me what happened, I’d turn the tables. I’d ask her what she suspects happened. That way I could see what she knows, correct it for accuracy, and not embellish the story. The next part of the conversation would be to ask her how she feels about it and how she can be a good friend.

How would you handle this situation? Would you tell your figure skater everything or quickly change the subject? Would you support your figure skater’s friendship with the dismissed student? What might you say when the poisonous mom starts her complaining thing at the rink?

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Do you have a question for Ice Mom or the Advisory Board? I have next week’s question, but I don’t have anything for September 24. If you have a post suggestion, feel free to send me that, too! E-mail me at IceMom.Diane@gmail.com

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