Ask the Ice Moms: Dating the Figure Skatig Coach’s Kid

Today’s Ask the Ice Moms question comes from skater B.R. who is dating her coach’s son.

My question for you was – is it appropriate for me to date my coach’s son? He’s 15, I’m 14 and we’ve been dating for almost ten months. We really like each other, but he’s a total mommy’s boy and my coach hates it that I’m dating him. She gives me a really hard time over it in practice and at first I just put it down to her being a protective mom, but now I’m starting to think maybe she’s hinting that it’s inappropriate for me to be dating her son. Is it, do you think? And what should I do about it if it is?

Pairs Mom, mom to 1/2 of last year’s Junior Nationals intermediate-level pairs gold medalists.

I don’t think it should really matter that much if you have a boyfriend and he just happens to be the coach’s son. He’s got to be somebody’s son! How do you know that your coach hates it or thinks that it is inappropriate? Did you ask her? Is she really giving you a “hard time about it” or is she just teasing? Either way, maybe you should ask her (or better yet, have your boyfriend ask her) when you are away from the rink, not during your practice time or lesson time. Maybe, and I’m just guessing here, the coach feels like this is a distraction for you when you are training. Skating should be fun and the atmosphere at the rink should be fun among ALL skaters, both male and female, but this is an expensive sport and ice time is expensive, so when you are on the ice training or in a lesson the focus should be on your skating, not the boyfriend.

SeasonedSk8rmom, adult skater and mom to a novice-level singles skater and synchronized skater.

This is a tough question! My personal opinion is that I don’t feel that teenagers should start dating until the age of 16, but that is the mother in me talking. I also feel that teenagers should not date each other if their parents do not approve of the person they are dating. This type of situation only puts more stress and strain on the relationship that is unnecessary.

I guess my opinion on the matter is that she should not date her coach’s son. This not only creates problems for her relationship with her boyfriend, but also between her and her coach. I do understand that teenagers are very determined and headstrong when it comes to their personal relationships. I know that when you tell or encourage a teenager to not be friends or get into a close relationship with teenagers that you do not approve of, this only encourages the teenager to become friends and get into close relationships with the teenager that you as a parent do not approve of your child having a relationship with.

I think that the young skater needs to determine what is more important to her, having a relationgship with her coach’s son or continuing to work with her coach. I think that she should talk to her coach and try to find out why she is not happy with her dating her son. I think that she should do her best to respect her coach’s request to not date her son. It may seem like an unreasonable request and the skater may not like the reasons that her coach has for disapproving of her dating her son, but it will more benefit for her, the coach’s son and the coach in the long run.

Sk8rmom p, personal trainer and mom to an intermediate-level male figure skater and a Junior Nationals competitor

This is a potentially messy situation. Have you ever heard someone say that it’s a bad idea to date someone you work with? Well, to me this situation is one that in the future I would steer clear of. In my opinion, it is -not- inappropriate for you to date your coach’s son, but it is a very bad idea. You will have to make your own decision.

Some things to think about. If you had to chose between your coach or her son, what would you do? If something happened and you break up, will your coach be mad at you if her son was hurt? Will she hold it against you in the future? Will it be uncomfortable for you to see either of them at the rink day after day? It seems like a no-win situation for you. She doesn’t like you because you are dating her son–but she’ll hate you if you break his heart. We hope that your coach will be professional about it, but if she is showing her displeasure already, then she might not be able to let it go.

If you are uncomfortable with the situation (your coach giving you a bad time during your lessons), you can always change coaches, then you wouldn’t have to deal with her every lesson; however you might be losing a great coach. Then, what if you break up? Was it worth losing your coach? See what I mean?

I suggest you sit down and talk to your coach. Tell her that you get the feeling that she doesn’t approve of your relationship and ask her why. Be prepared to get an earful and take her concerns seriously. You might find out that either one or both of you is misinterpreting the situation, that would be the best (for example, she is just joking with you). However, be aware that you are in an emotional mine field. Moms are very protective of their children, they come first and we moms will defend them from anyone or any situation that could cause harm or hold them back. Welcome to the real world of relationships. You are not only dating the one person, but their entire family in some cases.

Another concern your coach might have is that your relationship is getting in the way of training time and focus (for her son, for you or for both of you). Skating is a very tough discipline and many teens drop out because they find that they would rather have a “real” life with friends and activities to match. This is a real concern for parents of skaters with serious competitive hopes. Finding the time to do even a little of what a non-skating teen does is a challenge, and relationships just make it harder.

As parents we know that mature relationships are difficult for adults, and even harder for teens. When young, we all think that we are in love and the relationship is worth sacrificing everything for. Unfortunately, relationships, especially among young people who are growing and changing every day, often don’t last (adults, too, of course). My biggest piece of advice for you at 14 is to think of yourself first. What are your goals, where do you want to be in 3, 5, 10 and 20 years from now? Then make your decisions based on getting there. When you are well on your way to reaching your goals, then you can start to make sacrifices for others. You have to be happy in your life first before you can be happy with someone else, and that might mean waiting on serious relationships until that time.

Good luck. I hope things work out for you.

Ice Mom, parent of a freshman figure skater. Ice Girl has been dating a boy for four months.

As the parent of a teen, I can tell you that teen relationships are full of drama. Some minor incident, some imaginary hurt, or even a real incident or hurt can make even the calmest teen hysterical. Both The Boyfriend and Ice Girl were in floods for the past two days. What started it? Neither one is sure.

B.R., the reason I’m telling you this, is that you’re a teen. I’m sure you’re a nice kid. I’m sure your boyfriend is a nice kid. Ice Girl and The Boyfriend are both nice kids.

But, you’re at that age. Drama, drama, drama. I’m wondering if your coach is reacting to the drama more than the dating. If she sees her son asleep with his cell phone open next to him, she’s going to be annoyed. If he can’t focus on homework at home or skating at the rink, she’s going to be irritated. If his skin is all blotchy from crying and he’s taking aspirin on the way to the rink, she’s going to frown and purse her lips.

I know this because I see it with Ice Girl and The Boyfriend. I taught high school. I can’t even count the number of kids to whom I’ve given a piece of chocolate, a restroom pass, and the directive to splash cold water on their faces. You and all the other teens are at the age where you’re learning about relationships. It can be pretty rocky.

My concern is that your coach is becoming seriously annoyed with the drama. Examine your relationship with your coach. She’s your biggest supporter and the person you should trust most on the ice. If she’s irritated with you, your coach-student relationship has been compromised. Talk to her about it and try to clear the air. See if you can recover the easy manner you both had before you and her son started to date.

I suspect finding your former camaraderie with your coach is going to be impossible. You’ll probably have to decide which is more important: your skating goals or your boyfriend. (I know: more drama!) You’ll also have to work out whether or not breaking up with your boyfriend will improve or worsen your coach’s attitude toward you. Start looking around the rink for a coach who might be a better fit. Who knows? Maybe you can keep the boyfriend and still improve your jumps and spins.

What advice do you have for this skater? Is it O.K. to mix the coaching relationship with a dating relationship? Can you see this situation ending with no hard feelings or will life be forever awkward at the rink when these two break up? Please share your advice and experience in the comments!

Thank you, B.R., for e-mailing this week’s question. If you have a question for Ice Mom or a real stumper for me to send on to the Advisory Board, please let me know! I have one for November 5 and another for November 12. If you send me a dilemma, it will probably post on November 19. You can send me your ideas for posts you’d like to read, too. I’ve been working crazy hours, so I might not get back to you right away, but I will respond! E-mail me at IceMom.Diane@gmail.com

Photo credits:
California Theatre (Fox), San Jose, CA: BWChicago / Brian on Flickr.com Creative Commons
The Journal Tyne Theatre Gods: petermilli / Peter Millican on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Stanford Theatre, Palo Alto, CA: BWChicago / Brian on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Coliseum Theatre, St Martin’s Lane: markhillary / Mark Kobayashi-Hillary on Flickr.com Creative Commons
state theater: bagaball on Flickr.com Creative Commons
the stage: Joelk75 on Flickr.com Creative Commons

teatro alfa: thais lancman on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Taiwan Dog Fashion: didbygraham / Graham Richardson on Flickr.com Creative Commons

Jasmine’s Mommy

Boy, I just had to comment on this one!!! I can see why your coach is feeling awkward – it’s difficult when somebody becomes romantically involved with someone/a relative of someone they have to be professionally involved with. Depending on what kind of relationship you have with your coach, you might want to talk to her and tell her that you’re upset she’s not taking you seriously and is maybe saying some hurtful things. With luck, she might hear you out. Quick personal experience: I dated my skating coach’s son since I was in high school; we are now married and with a beautiful 4-week old baby girl – and I don’t remember my coach being happy with it either! I guess we just hung on in there…
Karen <3

Hey, Ice Mom?? This is gonna sound really stupid and geeky and maybe somewhat rude but just a quick question…I always like checking out the pictures on these posts, and I’m just interested to know…why did you choose pictures of the stage??? Just wondering xxxx
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Good question! For me, teen relationships are drama, drama, drama!

And the one with the dog is just cute.
Anonymous

This is a sticky situation. I agree that the coach is probably not reacting well to the drama, although I think it may be more to the fact that the teen drama will lead to rink drama and gossiping. My coach’s oldest son was dating another skater. They didn’t have a problem with the girl, but they did have a problem with her age. If you looked at the two of them together you would think, ah two college kids on a date, and you would be right. The problem: she started college at 16. The girl was VERY mature looking for her age – she looked like an 18-year old by the time she was 13, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. Her family was all very nice and supportive of the relationship, but the coaching family was really worried about legal implications if there was a bad break up or if things went poorly (can you say lawyer daddy’s only child?). And there really wasn’t too much drama in the relationship, but the fear of break-up drama becoming rink drama and gossip, as well as possible legal issues made the coaching family very much disapprove. This was a while ago, the girl has since turned 18 and the relationship (as far as I am aware – neither come to the rink much anymore) still holds, without either family’s disapproval.

This situation is a little different as the skater is actually taking lessons from the coach (not the case at my rink). I think if the skater is picking up on the fact that the coach is not happy, it must be interfering with the skater-coach relationship. I don’t think the skater’s relationship with the son is inappropriate, but I do think if it is causing unnecessary drama then something needs to change. There needs to be discussion with the boyfriend and the coach (probably separate at first, then together) to discuss the best situation for everyone. If the relationship is hurting the student-coach relationship maybe a coaching change is necessary, or maybe the relationship should wait until a later point in the skater’s lives (if they are willing to wait and STILL want to be together – that has to count for some credit, even in the eyes of not happy coach mom).

This was probably the best advice given, by sk8rmom p: “My biggest piece of advice for you at 14 is to think of yourself first. What are your goals, where do you want to be in 3, 5, 10 and 20 years from now? Then make your decisions based on getting there. When you are well on your way to reaching your goals, then you can start to make sacrifices for others. You have to be happy in your life first before you can be happy with someone else, and that might mean waiting on serious relationships until that time.”

I think that while you are still in high school you really do need to focus on what you want in your life, and to try to get it. It is too early to shelf your dreams to make others happy, because you will spend forever wondering “what if” and forever is a long time to wonder. Especially with something like skating where age doesn’t lend itself well to being an active competitor in the sport. At a certain point you will be satisfied with your achievements and you will be ready to move on to other aspects of your life, and to share it with other people. I just don’t think 14 is that point.

And if the relationship does blow up (which, not to be mean, is very likely due to external pressures and just life getting in the way) then there will probably be major issues at the rink. Especially if the coach’s son is a momma’s boy – those moms tend to be very protective of their babies. Not that you want to set yourself up for failure in a relationship, but it might be best to think – if that does happen, can I still skate? Would I have to change to a new coach or even a new club? It might be better to be proactive in this sort of situation – change to a new coach now so if the worst does happen it won’t be as much of a problem later.

Hopefully having a few meaningful discussions will sort things out, but if not it is best to figure out what you really want in your life. Figure out what your top priorities are and decide how much you are willing to give up to get them. Sometimes you won’t meat your goals and sometimes you should change your priorities. It is a difficult thing to figure out, and usually there is no nice way out of these situations, because something has to give. It is hard, but figuring out what your top goal is and trying to achieve that will ultimately make you happier than trying to please everyone around you.
Isabellem1998

I agree. I <3 dogs!
Sierra

Absolutely not. No coach should be wasting practice/lesson time talking to their skater about their relationships. This is off ice stuff. I can’t stand it when I hear of coaches wasting time they were paid for.
Sierra

That was she gives me a really hard time over it in practice, a quote from the email. No idea why it put all the symbols in it and scrambled the words??
http://www.flirt1.net/dating.html dating

the relationship of teens is always like a drama because they can’t handle with their news feeling. if they fall in love the first time they never knew someting like this before.