Ask the Ice Moms: Parents Don’t Like Grown-Up Ice Dancing

Today’s question comes from a 15-year-old junior-level ice dancer whose parents are uncomfortable with how close she and her partner are – physically.

Well, the story is, I’m an ice dancer. I have been since I was 8 (i’m 15 now), but I got a new partner earlier on this year. That’s part of the problem. My last partner was like a big brother to me because we skated together so long. He played hockey, too, and decided to ditch the skating for that back in January. It totally BROKE MY HEART.   But i’m a big girl lol, i got a new partner.

My new partner and I get along really well; we’re really close and comfortable with each other and we’re working at the junior level, hoping to go to the regionals (at least) this season. Which I would totally be able to handle if it wasn’t for my parents. I mean, I love them of course, and they’ve always been so supportive, but because of that, they’re always in the stands in practice, watching EVERYTHING. And in our routines this year, well… they’re a little provocative (not really sexual, but at the same time they’re not little kid routines) and I have to get really close and virtually against my partner in a lot of places, which I would be totally comfortable with if my parents weren’t watching.

The ride home from the rink is always really awkward, like no one knows what to say to each other and I always feel really bad. Sometimes it annoys me because they keep going on about how awesome my last partner was and how he always treated me with respect, and my current partner treats me with respect, too! They also sometimes jump to conclusions, think I’ve fallen for him and go over The Talk! They should know by now that ice dance is all about playing a character, so why do they take it so personally? How can I help them get used to my new partner and understand that whoever I was with, I’d have to do routines like this?

Allison Scott, mom to an Olympic figure skater and two-time National champion (sr.), survivor of many rinks, professional communicator, new grandmother, and blogger at Life on the Edge.

It is uncomfortable for parents when a girl is becoming a woman and then you throw something like ice dancing on top of that. First of all, skating close is a prerequisite at Junior level. Secondly, ice dancing has taken a lead from ballroom dancing; the costumes have reached new lows while taking the sport to new – and certainly more entertaining and difficult – highs.

I would suggest a sit-down with the coach, the partner and all parents concerned and map out a plan for the year. Give the coach a chance to explain the programs and what (s)he is trying to achieve, what the new rules are and why the programs have to fit into the structure. That might help make sense of it. There is comfort in knowledge.

Sk8rmom p, personal trainer and mom to an intermediate-level male figure skater and a Junior Nationals competitor

I think that you have a really good attitude towards your partner and what you are doing on ice.  It’s a business and you are all business.  I would encourage you to speak to your parents and say everything that you said in your email.  You have a great framework for “the talk” with them.

“Mom, Dad, I get the feeling that you are uncomfortable with what I have to do on ice…”

Then tell them exactly what you told us.  You put it very succinctly and maturely.  Tell them it’s acting, and you need to clear the air with them so that you can do your best on the ice.  Be straight with them, that you are unable to fully do your best when you are worried about what they are thinking.

Hear them out.  They might have legitimate issues with what you are portraying in your program.  In that case, you might have a talk with your coach about the appropriateness of the types of things you are doing on ice with your partner.  From what I understand, judges want to see skating programs appropriate to the age and stage of life of the skaters.  There are many routines that can be chosen and choreographed appropriately for a 15-year-old skater.

Pairs Mom, mom to 1/2 of last year’s Junior Nationals intermediate-level pairs gold medalists.
There are several things I would like to comment on -

Skating at the Junior level means that you are competing with other skaters from age 13 – 20s.  That being said, yes it is a challenge to create and skate programs that present mastery of skill and maturity on the ice. When you are on the ice, you are preparing to compete with skaters much older than you are, but when you get off the ice, it’s just you. This is something that could be discussed with the parents; although I’m sure they already realize this.

Another thing about parents – every skater is different.  Some skaters perform their best when their parents are in the audience and at practice and others tend to “lose focus” or get too wrapped up in the “I want to please my parents and I want my parents to be proud of me” moment and it interferes with their training and competition preparation. If their presence at practice is making you uncomfortable, you might say, “I’m unable to focus” or “I’m so concerned with what you are thinking that I’m not able to concentrate on my skating” and see if that helps.  Regardless, you must tell them how you feel.

It is tough to lose a partner, regroup, begin a search,get a new partner, etc. and it involves the emotions of many people.  You are very fortunate to have found another partner that you work so well with and he is lucky to have you, too!  Keep that in mind. Keep all communication lines open between coaches, partners, and parents and you should be fine.  Whenever your parents say something about the “old” partner, follow that up with something positive about your “new” partner and eventually they will get the message that you are happy with how your training is going.

Another thing to bring up to the parents is that most of the top teams in pairs and there are some in dance have a 6 – 10 year age difference.  These are the TOP US teams.  My son’s partner is seven years younger and even though she is younger, she looks much more mature on the ice and the most important aspect is that they have a similar approach to training, goals, skill level, etc. and that is what counts the most.

Remember that in the sport of ice skating you have to be both an athlete (competitor) AND a performer (artistic side).  There are other similar sports that follow the same pattern; ballet, competitive cheer, gymnastics, even divers, and I’m sure I’ve left out some….  GOOD LUCK to you and I hope you have a fun and successful skating year!

Xan, adult skater, figure skating coach, parent of a Junior Nationals competitor and show skater (Nora), and blogger at Xanboni, Sconeday, and Mahlzeit.

Well, I’m doing a lot of reading between the lines, but to me it sounds like in fact this team does have a little sexual buzz going. However, it’s working for them in a very innocent way. If that wasn’t there, the young woman would not feel so uncomfortable talking to her parents about it. However, with a junior ice dance team, you need this; it’s one of the things that makes ice dance work– that physicality between the partners.  That these parents are willing to have The Talk means that there’s already a level of trust and comfort in this family that is very positive. Sounds to me like they get it; it’s the young woman who’s uncomfortable.

Here’s what Nora [Xan's daughter] has to say about dealing with it: “I think this girl answered her own question at the end there.  Ice dance is about playing a character and she should just explain that to her parents.  Maybe have dinner with her folks and her new partner to show them he is respectable and treats her with respect, and tell them that if he was disrespecting her she would tell them.  If they know for sure that she would come to them if anything was wrong, that would probably make them feel better!”

Deb Chitwood is the mom of two international competitors (Will in pairs and Christina in ice dance) turned skating professionals. Deb is also a Montessori writer and a blogger at Raising Figure Skaters.

I think I’m well qualified to offer reassurance to parents in a situation like this! When my daughter, Christina, was 14, she and her 21-year-old ice dance partner skated to “House of the Rising Sun” for their junior free dance. Needless to say, Christina was playing the part of a prostitute with her partner as her “lost soul” client. Her great aunt, attending Midwesterns with us that year, was a bit shocked at how well Christina played the part at age 14 (Christina was an innocent 14-year-old when she wasn’t acting on the ice)!

Christina performed lots of romantic numbers with her senior ice dance partner in England as well. She was 16 when he was 21. It really was ALL acting. Even though she got along very well with both partners, she was never romantically involved with either of them. Not that people didn’t think she and her Scottish partner would be getting married because of their chemistry/acting on the ice! Christina is now married – to an Englishman who was never her skating partner. He and the rest of us know her ice dance performances are just performances – and a way to showcase great acting skills!

Ice Mom, mom to a 14-year-old figure skater.

I have The Talk all the time with Ice Girl. She has a boyfriend and I want her to understand my beliefs. Just like I always repeat the phrase There is never a wrong time to call your mother, I use every opportunity to have The Talk. I want my message on sexual relationships to be very, very clear. However, I know that The Talk makes her uncomfortable. Too bad.

Your parents seem uncomfortable, too. You need to plow ahead and have The Talk with them. As a parent, what would work with me is if you talked about my wallet. You could say something along the lines of: When you watch me all the time, I’m not as effective in practice. Practice ice is expensive and it seems a shame to waste it. That would totally get my attention.

You also might want to talk to your coach. I’m sure your coach has dealt with this issue before and understands how parents could feel awkward. I know it’s not always easy to talk to your coach about issues like this, but I think you just have to do it for the good of your partnership.

What advice would you give this ice dancer? How would you react if your skater’s program made you uncomfortable? Do you think it’s advisable for parents to watch every practice – is it supportive or obsessive? Please share your thoughts in the comments.

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Do you have a question for Ice Mom or the Advisory Board? I’m set for Friday, October 8 and 15. If you have an idea for a blog post, you can send me that, too! I’d love to hear from you. It’s nice to be able to read an e-mail here or there while I’m doing that whole job thing. Shh… IceMom.Diane@gmail.com

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Photo credits:
I wanna hold your hand: Josep Ma. Rosell on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Holding Hands [children]: Cliff Beckwith on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Summer’s Love: visual.dichotomy / Grant on Flickr.com Creative Commons
holding hands [in a commons]: tanjila / tanjila ahmed on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Untitled [teens holding hands]: db photographs / Demi-Brooke on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Athens: sidewalk flying / Seth Sawyers on Flickr.com Creative Commons
holding hands [otters]: mindluge / joe robertson on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Day 168/365.v2: Perfecto Insecto /kenna takahashi on Flickr.com Creative Commons
40+200 Insurance: bark on Flickr.com Creative Commons
holding hands [kitty]: eva101 / eva on Flickr.com Creative Commons