Can You Help This Figure Skater: Coach Seriously Ill

I received this e-mail from a skater who is clearly distressed:

I have a dilemma about my coach and it’s kind of big. I’ve been working with her like forever and she’s sort of like my second mom, which makes all this even worse. Not too long ago, she had to have surgery, but she said it was minor and that there was probably nothing seriously wrong, so I didn’t worry about it. But in practice a couple of days ago, she told me she was sick (she didn’t say exactly what was wrong, she kind of talked to me like I was a 5-year-old, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure it out) and that she’s going to need regular treatment and won’t be able to coach for a while or take me to Sectionals for the first time, and that was going to be really special for us because I’ve always come so close yet so far with Sectionals and it’s taken me until junior level to make it, and she won’t be able to come. She’s referred me on to another coach who will be taking me to Sectionals for the first time ever and I went to a lesson with him yesterday, and he’s really sweet and good at his job and all but he’s not my current coach – I know it sounds so pathetic.

I’m going to find it really tough skating at Sectionals without her, not just without her there but because I’ll be worrying about her. She’s said she doesn’t want to keep in touch with me while she’s having the treatment because she doesn’t want our skater-coach relationship to be affected by any of the scary stuff going on with her. Another thing is, I know it can’t be helped but I’m worried that…what if it’s permanent? That’s what’s keeping me awake right now (literally). I really care about her, I couldn’t care about her more if she was family. I’ve known her since I was a toddler and I’m worried that she might never come back to the rink, if you know what I mean. Her last day is Tuesday with the treatment starting on Wednesday. So I’m going to have to compete at Sectionals with a new coach and the possibility that I might never see my current coach again (I know it sounds awful, but if it’s what I’m pretty sure it is then people pass away because of it quite a bit) and this is junior level, so I have to be focused and in control and my dilemma was: how do I do it? Now I’ve gotten this far, is there any way I can pull out, or should I just go through with it? I know she’d want that, but I also know I won’t feel like competing with all this going on. Do you have any advice for this kind of situation?

I’m not sure how old you are, reader, but if you’re a junior-level skater, I’m thinking that you’re probably 12+ years old. Judging from your excellent writing skills, I’d bet closer to 15 years old. Even if you were just five, reader, I would tell you what’s going on. In my experience whatever a person invents is often much worse than the truth.

I’m certain that everyone around you recognizes your talent on the ice and no one wants to make you worry when you’re supposed to keep your head on straight and your spins dead center. I think the opposite is happening, though. You don’t have information about your coach’s illness and that’s making you dwell on it all the time. If it were me, not knowing for sure would drive me nuts.

My advice to you, reader, is to tell your coach just how much she means to you. She’s not just someone who tells you where to jump and how high; she’s a second mother to you. You have a need to visit her when she’s sick, not just for her benefit, but also so you can prepare to say goodbye.

Reader, I sincerely hope that your coach returns to you healthier than when she left you. I am sure that your coach hand-picked a coach she trusts to guide you when she can’t. I wish you success in your skating and I also hope that you are able to put your fears to rest.

What advice would you give this figure skater? Do you think the knowledge of her coach’s illness will disturb her so much that she’ll be unable to skate her best at Sectionals? What other advice would you give her about focusing on the competition while someone very close to her is seriously ill? Does the age of the skater make any difference in whether you would disclose the coach’s illness? Please give any advice you have for this skater in the comments.

Thank you, reader for e-mailing me your question. If you have a question for Ice Mom or the Advisory Board, I invite you to send it to me. If you have a suggestion for a blog post you’d like to read, you can send that, too! E-mail me at IceMom.Diane@gmail.com.

Photo credits:
Hospital Roberto Santos recebe novos médicos residentes: Fotos Gov/Ba / Agecom Bahia on Flickr.com Creative Commons
The Cruel Waiting Room: jeffk / Jeff Kramer on Flickr.com Creative Commons
CMRF 08/10 OLCHC Photos 26 [hospital bed]: CMRF_Crumlin / CMRF Crumlin on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Medical Equipment in the hospital room: cote / Michael Coté on Flickr.com Creative Commons

http://literarysymphonyonice.wordpress.com Antarcticlichen

My dad was sick and had surgeries the entire time I was growing up. My parents would gather us up and warn us before each surgery that there was a big chance that my dad wouldn’t make it. When he did die, there were five of us ages twenty-one down to as young as ten. I was the one who was twenty-one. He died the day before my classes started the semester I transferred from community college to UC Santa Barbara. I took the first week off to be with my family and make funeral arrangements. I then returned to school, bringing my baby sister with me during the times she was off-track at her school. It was not easy growing up in that situation and it was definitely not easy to get through the semester (and years) after he died, but the best gift you can give to someone who loves you and has helped you is to keep living the best that you can and to pass the best of what they have shared with you, on.

I would encourage the skater to go to sectionals. As for how to handle this mentally, it varies so much from individual to individual but perhaps by looking at this skate as her coach’s last gift to her while she lives, she will be able to receive that gift and focus on the love. Perhaps her coach can give her a sweater to wear at the competition that she herself has worn, so that as her skater prepares and waits off the ice it will almost be like having her coach’s arms around her. I do suggest that the skater and coach talk honestly about what is happening so that they both have the opportunity to say goodbye. I didn’t know at the time that I had a conversation with my dad, telling him what he meant to me, that it would end up being the last time I saw him, but knowing he knew how I felt about him, before he died, brought me a great deal of comfort and peace. Just some thoughts. I hope this helps.
Karen <3

First off, I think whoever can still feel the need to compete and skate, even if they don’t want to, is really strong and admirable and this girl’s coach must be very proud of her and have taught her well. It’s kind of like Joannie Rochette in the Olympics (we all know the story, mom dies days before the short program) – before her mom died, she would have probably thought she was unable to compete in that situation, and then it happened, and she realised all the work was done and that she needed to just go for it for her mom.

As it’s this skater’s coach who’s sick, it would mean even more for her to skate as that’s what she and the coach have shared all these years. She’s worked so hard to get where she has, and the coach would want her to see it through as far as she can. I think the coach definitely needs to tell her what’s going on though, as there’s clearly mutual love and in any loving relationship (whether it be romantic, family, friend or whatever) there needs to be honesty. The coach needs to tell the truth about her chances of getting better, too, so the skater can react accordingly.

I just want to hug this skater. As somebody who’s been to sectionals, I know how stressful it is just competing there under normal circumstances. I think she just needs to remember that, no matter how bleak a situation looks, there is always hope. She should do whatever she feels able to do, and know that her decision is OK.
Anonymous

I know this is a difficult situation. It is hard to want to compete and do your best when you are tired and worried, and when you have a new and different coach by your side. But maybe the way to think about it is to go and compete for your coach, even though she can’t be there. You want to go and show everyone how awesome and amazing she is, and how much work and effort you two have put into the skating season. Even if she can’t be there you should try your best to make her proud and after it is over you can share all the amazing details of the event with her.

The other part of this is that it is also difficult to deal with an “unknown” illness as well. Really, if she doesn’t want to discuss her medical problems that is her right, but I do think she might be willing to share if she knew how much it was bothering the skater. Even when things are bad it is better to know what they are, so you can deal with them accordingly. I don’t know if the age of the skater matters so much, but an older skater is more likely to understand and appreciate how serious certain diseases are, while going into extreme detail may make a younger skater (single digit ages) more afraid. If it is really bothering the skater probably best to discuss in more detail with the coach before sectionals, so that the wild imaginings are not leaving her awake and exhausted before the event.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

I really like this part, Karen <3:

She should do whatever she feels able to do, and know that her decision is OK.

Whatever the skater chooses to do is enough. There’s peace in that, isn’t there?
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Wow. You have experienced a very difficult loss at a very young age. How wise you are, too.

the best gift you can give to someone who loves you and has helped you is to keep living the best that you can and to pass the best of what they have shared with you, on.

This part nearly made me cry. I’m at work and I’m wearing cheap mascara. Not good.

perhaps by looking at this skate as her coach’s last gift to her while she lives, she will be able to receive that gift and focus on the love. Perhaps her coach can give her a sweater to wear at the competition that she herself has worn, so that as her skater prepares and waits off the ice it will almost be like having her coach’s arms around her.

Nuts. Need a tissue. And waterproof mascara.
NYskaterMommy

My biggest advice to you is to skate in her honor. Do your absolute best so that she’ll know (because people will tell her) that all the hard work you two did didn’t go to waste. Take a page from Joannie Rochette’s book. She’s the Canadian Olympic skater who’s mother passed away just 2 days before she had to take the ice. It was emotional even for me as someone who watched from home. There wasn’t a dry eye in the stadium. I’m sure you know who I’m talking about but if you don’t, here’s a link to the CNN article. Please do your best for her! You’ll respect yourself so much more in the end.

http://www.cnn.com/2010/SPORT/02/24/olympics.rochette/index.html
http://dollmum.blogspot.com/ Dollmum

I can really identify with this skater’s dilemma – it is a big emotional hurdle, perhaps the first time this skater has faced serious illness in someone close. I wrote a university exam the day my granny died, and it was tough, but I knew it was the right thing for me to do. It is encouraging that the skater has articulated her thoughts – she is growing strength just by facing the scary unbearable thoughts. Maybe the coach wants to protect her from the truth but in doing so has raised more questions in her mind, so I agree about the advice of them talking honestly with each other – it is part of growing up and learning to live with the horrible things in life unfortunately, but will ultimately help if the coach can bear to discuss it.

All the advice given here is spot on, and I would also suggest that if the skater decides to skate at sectionals that she gets someone to video her skating so that her coach can see the film after the event if her treatment works – I do hope so.
Anonymous

I read this early this morning and it made me tear up as well. Wise words.
Anonymous

I read this early this morning and it made me tear up as well. Wise words.