Ask the Ice Moms: My Figure Skater’s Coach is Unstable

Reader B.L. is worried that her figure skater’s coach is emotionally unstable. Here’s her e-mail:

I’m having issues at the moment with my daughter’s coach. Her last coach left for Canada a couple of months back, leaving her devastated, so we made the switch to this current coach as soon as we possibly could so she could just get on, pick herself up and focus on the skating. In general, the current coach is wonderful – sweet, encouraging, great with DD, spends many patient hours explaining all the elements to me, exactly how certain judging systems work, etc. She just means so well and DD adores her. However, DD is a new teen and is starting to have the usual teen worries about her weight. She was showing Coach a new costume and she suddenly asked Coach if she was fat. And the way Coach reacted was shocking and very unnerving – I couldn’t believe that what I’d perceived to be a sane, calm woman would the way she did. She grabbed DD by both hands and started whispering to her, going white in the face, asking DD to promise her to never ask a question like that again. DD seemed caught off guard too, but she was very defensive of Coach later when I tried to talk with her about how she felt about it.

I tried to move on from it, but a couple of days later, after watching DD skate her program, she broke down in floods of tears and wouldn’t tell either of us what was wrong.  I know that’s her right, but it made me feel so uncomfortable, the way she cried and cried and I ended up comforting her. She told me through the tears that she was having “a really rough time” and of course, I’m not going to make her explain herself, but I’ve heard reports from around the rink that she’s in an abusive relationship, is on antidepressants, suffers from several psychological conditions and is just generally pretty fragile. I wonder…should I let my kid be coached by someone always on the verge of breaking down, or should we make another switch? DD is pretty high level now, and I don’t think we can afford a fragile coach. What would you do?

Xan, adult skater, figure skating coach, parent of a Junior Nationals competitor and show skater, and blogger at Xanboni, Sconeday, and Mahlzeit.

Letting outside, personal problems interfere with your job, any job, is very unprofessional, especially if your behavior impacts children.  So this mother first needs to think about whether this coach exhibits other unprofessional behaviors– missing or being late for lessons and classes, talking with either the skaters or the coaches during lessons instead of teaching, talking about personal issues with skaters or parents, inappropriate language or dress, clear favoritism, etc.

If these behaviors are present, then they need another coach.

If these other behaviors are not present, the situation becomes a little harder, because you hate to add to her problems.  So then they have to decide if their child can handle a coach while she’s slightly unstable, using the situation as a teaching tool about sticking with someone through difficult times.  If they feel this is more than should be asked of a child, then the minimum to do is take a break from this coach, either permanent or temporary, while she gets her life together. Inasmuch as the daughter is a teen, she should be involved in the decision, and should be fully engaged in the reasons for the discussion. Don’t sugar coat it for her.

I know it’s not part of the question, but someone ought to talk to the coach about separating her personal problems from her professional life. A job like figure skating coaching *can* be very forgiving of this sort of thing, although not necessarily. I can’t think of any other job that is. Further, the rink is within its rights if they discipline her for this behavior.

Finally, stop with the public speculation. You are only hurting this coach personally and professionally by passing gossip about what is causing the situation.

Deb Chitwood is the mom of two international competitors (Will in pairs and Christina in ice dance) turned skating professionals. Deb is also a Montessori writer and a blogger at Raising Figure Skaters.

I feel sad for the coach, but I’m concerned that the coach’s problems won’t be good for your daughter. Unless you feel the coach’s skills are valuable enough and her fragile behaviors won’t affect your daughter too adversely, you’ll probably need to look for a new coach. If you decide to make a switch, you’ll have the difficult task of finding the kindest and most compassionate way to tell the coach.

Sk8rmomp, personal trainer and mom to an intermediate-level male figure skater and a Junior Nationals competitor

Part of me wants to say that if you can gracefully leave this coach, it would be so much easier for you, and probably your daughter in the long run.  The relationship is new and both of you might find it easier to cope with if you leave now.  So far this coach is unable to separate her personal and professional life, and that will only bring you more challenges.  While I think it is wonderful for teens to understand the real world, I would like for coaches who are very influential in their lives to be positive role models, and able to be problem solvers rather than having problems.

If this coach has had an acute trauma such as a death in the family or some crushing personal event that has caused these outbursts, then I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Talk to her first, find out if this is the case, and see if it gets better in a month or so.

If, however, the cause is something chronic like unmanaged depression or an abusive home situation, then much as I hate to leave a fellow human being who is suffering, I would steer clear of her as a coach.  Bless her and let her friends and family support her, don’t take on her problems.

Before believing rink gossip, I’d talk to the new coach somewhere private, away from prying ears and your DD, and bring up your concerns. Ask her to be candid with you, that you don’t need to hear details, but you would like to know if she thinks that these difficulties she faces are long term or if they are something that are likely to resolve quickly. Tell her what you said to us about her abilities and how she is great with your daughter, but tell her about your concerns about her recent emotional outbursts, and that with your DD in a “fragile” state, that you want to do what’s best for her.

Don’t stay with her if you are unsure after the talk with her. If you get a good feeling about where she is at and where she is going with her resolution of her difficulties, then I’d set a time to re-evaluate, say in a month, then in another month, and go from there.

good luck!

Ice Mom, mom to Ice Girl, a high school student and preliminary figure skater.

True confession time: I am a crier. Phone commercials? I’m a total sap. Disney movies? Ugh. They get me every time. I had a meeting with some of Ice Girl’s teachers last week and I was a mess. I want to make sure Ice Girl thinks that school is a place for her, I said through my streaming eyes and mascara streaks. I used to work with some of these teachers; they know me. And there I sat, a blubbering mass of goo and water-soluble makeup.

If you were to meet me, you wouldn’t think I was a human water hose. I’m not shy. I’m opinionated and mouthy. I think people respect me at my job, I work hard, and I’m fair minded. I excelled at school and I can talk your ear off about grammar and usage. But, when a conversation veers toward my baby and her weaknesses, I either become Super Momma, Defender of The Baby, or the Amazing Human Water Fountain. Man, it’s embarrassing, but I’d choose tights and a cape over the water works any day. Unfortunately, I don’t get to choose. The tears just show up on their own.

With that in mind, I’m inclined to give this coach a break on the crying. Maybe she is raw from whatever’s going on outside of the rink and those tears are near the surface.

By day, I’m an education writer. I know that cognitive scientists have found that the connection between a teacher and student is the most important factor in determining a student’s success. It’s more important than the teacher’s knowledge of the subject matter, feedback for the student, and teacher organization. More important by about 20 percent.

To me, it’s clear that your daughter has formed a connection with her coach. How do I know? She defended her coach. Oh, yeah. They’ve bonded. Since that bond exists, I’m inclined to try to preserve the coach-student relationship. However, I think sk8rmomp’s right: you need to talk to the coach. I’d invite her to coffee and lay it on the line for her:

• You know that your daughter cares about Coach and you want to respect that relationship.
• You chose Coach because she is a good fit for your skater and you admire her teaching and skating skills.
• You and Coach both want what’s best for your daughter.
• As a parent, though, it’s your job to protect your child.
• The strange whispering and crying incidents made you and your daughter uncomfortable.
• Explain that the Coach doesn’t just instruct students about figure skating, like it or not, she’s also a role model. You would like her to show your daughter how strong people deal with their problems.
• How will Coach handle future emotional issues? What will she do as a back-up plan?
• Wrap up with more words about how important you think the Coach-Student relationship is.

That’s what I’d do at this point. If the problem persists, then I would start looking around for a coach who might be a better fit for you and your skater.

What about you? Would you keep this coach or would you start the process of looking for someone else for your figure skater? What do you think of the Amazing Human Irrigation System? Me, I think it’s embarrassing. Please pass me a box of tissues, a makeup mirror, and my mascara. Thanks.

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Do you have a question for Ice Mom or a dilemma for the Advisory Board? Send ‘em my way! That Advisory Board is made up of some smart people. If you have an idea for a blog post, you can send that to me, too! If you know a way to stop tears once they start, please let me know that, too. Have you seen tissues on sale in bulk? Awesome. Pick some up for me, will you? E-mail me your sob stories. I’ll bring the chocolate. IceMom.Diane@gmail.com

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