Can You Help this Figure Skater? Skating Takes a Backseat to Sister

Here’s a letter from a desperate figure skater whose sister’s sport and success has come before her own:

I started skating about a year and a half ago (I’m 12, almost 13) just because I wanted a hobby and now it’s my passion. I never thought I’d love it as much as I do, but it’s the best thing in my life and it makes me so happy. The only problem is that even though my parents pay for my skating lessons and competition fees and stuff, they take way more interest in my older sister. She’s a really good snowboarder,;she competed at the the junior worlds in boardercross earlier this year, so my parents pay her training a lot of attention and don’t pay mine any where near as much. She’ll come home from her training all psyched over something she’s done well, and they’ll be really excited and happy for her, but when I landed my first clean Lutz out of the harness a couple of weeks ago, they didn’t sound interested at all when I told them or even say they were happy for me.

That’s another thing – they never take me or pick me up from the rink, our au pair does, yet they go to the lodge to watch my sister practice like three or four times a week. Last month my coach called them to discuss arrangements for a competition I was doing the next day and they were really rude and dismissive of her. She seemed a little embarrassed around me the next day.

They have only ever come to one of my competitions, and it really hurts to see all my friends from the rink with their parents. Last competition without my parents there, my friend won and her dad was crying because he was so proud. I got really upset because I just couldn’t imagine my parents ever being that proud of me. I know my sister is better at snowboarding than I am at skating, and that she has way more of a shot at being a top athlete, but I wish my parents would come to my competitions or even just take/pick me up from the rink…how can I get them to do that?

Thank you so much.

Update: My situation has just gotten even more serious. My parents are moving me out of my room to store my sister’s snowboarding trophies so they can show of to all there buddies and they want me to quit skating – really, its the truth, and I can’t stand one more second of this.

I’ve received e-mails from young figure skaters before, and usually they’re from figure skaters who want to have more ice and training. I’ve also written about the sibling fairness issue, but it’s always been from the perspective that the figure skater has the dominant sport in the family.

Cinderella, this one’s a toughie. I wish I could be your fairy godmother and turn your room into a palace and your Züca bag into a rink-shuttle/minivan. As your fairy godmother, I would take you to practice and watch you as you progress. I would savor every milestone and encourage you to get back up again when you fell. I’d take photos to share with the grandparents and brag about your latest spin to all of my friends.

Cinderella, I don’t know why your parents have made these decisions. But I do know that good people, sane people, can get carried away when one of their kids show real promise in a sport. It can warp them, Cinderella. They start out as normal people, but they become obsessed with their child’s sport and success. They begin to talk about their child’s success as if it were their own, and slowly, their lives start to revolve around their talented kid and the kid’s sport. They start to lose perspective and might even start to coach from the sidelines, the van, or the stands. They might begin to pressure the talented kid, lay on guilt trips, and yell after a lackluster performance.

It’s not easy being the forgotten child, Cinderella, but at least you’re not under tremendous pressure, either. When I was growing up, my older sister took up much of my parents’ time, not because she was a standout, but because she was a rebel. I think my parents were so exhausted after dealing with her that they just kind of let me do my own thing. Yeah, I resented that they didn’t come to my plays, my debates, my games, and my concerts. When I confronted my dad about it, he said: If you’re doing it for my approval, you’re doing it for the wrong reasons.

Well, yeah. But a kid still needs her parents, right? I’m not telling you this, Cinderella, to pull a tear from your eye. I’m telling you this because I want you to know that I survived and I thrived. I made my own path, I chose what I wanted to do, and eventually I became adult enough to forgive my parents for those missing years. You, Cinderella, have an amazing opportunity. You can choose who you want to be, independent of parental pressure, and yes, parental praise. You can do whatever you want because you like it and you can become a success because you worked for it. No one will ever be able to claim even a chunk of your success.

Now for the practical bits:

Use that room for all it’s worth. I’m not going to spell it out for you. You’re a teen. I leave this in your capable hands.
Find a rink mom of your own. You know those families that come to see their kids skate? Find one and hang out with them. You might let your coach know, quietly, of course, that you’re looking around for this kind of support. She might be able to set you up with an adoptive mother. I know that this works, because a motherless teen found me at the rink and I became her Fake Mother for a year. Truly. She asked me, in private, if I would be her rink mom. Who could possibly say no to that? We took her to competitions, cheered for her, took photos, and celebrated right alongside our own kid.
Co-opt your sister. See if your sister will help you get the lessons and ice time you crave. Appeal to her sense of fairness and see if she’ll advocate for you with your parents.
Jump all over the house and spin on the kitchen floor. Every time either of your parents sees you, you should be practicing off-ice jumps and spins. They might respect your dedication, which is good. More likely they’ll want to get you to the rink so you’ll stop running through your program in the middle of the family room.
Paper your new room with skating photos. Not only are photos of top figure skaters inspirational for you, but they’ll reinforce the idea that figure skating is your passion. If some of these photos end up on the family’s ‘fridge, that’s good, too. Check out figure skating books from the library and read them all over the house. You can also check out DVDs of past Olympic performances, too. Put that DVD in the machine and play it over, and over, and over.

Cinderella, I wish you well. I’m sure your parents love you. Really. I just suspect that your sister’s talent and drive on the slopes has altered their thinking. Be the kind of person you admire, Cinderella. Support your sister. Depend on yourself. Surround yourself with positive people. Focus on what’s important to you and go for it.

Let me know how things go, O.K?

What advice do you have for Cinderella? Am I completely out-of-control for suggesting she leverage her lost bedroom for more ice and coaching? What other means might she have for getting some more parental attention on her? What do you suggest these parents do to balance their affection for both children? Don’t judge them too harshly – having a talented kid is a huge challenge. I’m not up to it, that’s for sure.

Do you have a question for Ice Mom or a dilemma for the Advisory Board? I’ve been kind of slow at e-mail lately (working tons of hours at the real job), but I promise I’ll get to your e-mail as soon as I can. You can also send me a reminder, like Cinderella did. I love reminders and am not offended at all when I receive them. If you have fairy godmothers, magical brooms that sweep by themselves, pots and pans that wash themselves, or mice who clean and sew, let me know how I can get some, too. I could use a new carriage and some footmen, too. My Prince Charming does drive to 6 a.m. ice, though, so I guess life isn’t all ashes and cinders! E-mail me at IceMom.Diane@gmail.com.

Photo credits:
Cinderella [shoes]: Fey Ilyas / Fe Ilya on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Cinderella’s Silver Halloween PUMPKINS in a Bed of Pink Flowers and decorative cabbage, Roses, brass bed frame, Mill Rose Inn, Half Moon Bay, California, USA: Wonderlane on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Cinderella & Prince Charming [on ice]: Rojer on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Cinderella & Prince Charming: wjarrettc / Jarrett Campbell on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Cinderella [photoshop masterpiece]: Krystn Palmer Photography / Krystn on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Anastasia, Lady Tremaine & Drizella: dawnzy58 / Dawn on Flickr.com Creative Commons

http://literarysymphonyonice.wordpress.com Antarcticlichen

This one is really hard. Some of the feelings I think can understand, at least in part. I wasn’t allowed to participate in sports and such growing up because I had a ton of family responsibilities from the time I was a little kid myself. It was not easy for me watching my younger siblings be in sports and band, etc. etc. and having my parents talk about it being important for them when these same opportunities were considered selfish and impossible in regards to me. College, not high school graduation, was important to my parents so I didn’t attend my high school graduation, I worked instead. My dad didn’t live long enough to see me graduate from college and because my brother set his wedding date for the day after my college graduation, the wedding ended up hijacking everything. My brother even put off getting his tux until the day of my graduation. Guess where my family was. Guess who missed convocation.

One of the hardest times was when I had complications the day of my first heart surgery. I had the entire staff of the hospital cardiac unit in my room with me at one point, but my family wasn’t even in the same city. The doctors were discussing the need for a second surgery as soon as possible and I had no way of reaching my family. Why? Because this was bcp (before cell phones) and one of my teenage brothers decided he had to meet a girl in person who he had met on the internet and my mom did not want him driving four hours to meet a stranger in a parking lot alone. Do I understand where my parents were coming from? Yes, I think so. These were not easy decisions for them and they were doing the best they could under difficult circumstances. It was still wretchedly hard. But like Ice Mom says, there are compensations. I learned to be self-motivated. I learned how to pursue dreams and persevere whether there was anyone else with me or not. There have been some incredibly low moments but I’ve come to realize that those low moments have helped to give me depth. Digging deep in order to move forward gave me access to resources within myself that I would not otherwise have.

I think it is really important for the skater to continue to communicate her thoughts and feelings to her family whether they really hear her or respond to her in the way she would hope or not. My advice to her is: Keep trying various ways and methods to get through to your parents (i.e. write them a letter, come up with a sixty-second speech you’ve practiced with a stopwatch outlining why skating is so important to you, ask them- and listen to- their reasons why they want you to stop skating- they might actually be different than you think). Keep in mind that water gently smooths stone that a jackhammer would merely obliterate. Be patient. Family relationships are worth working at even when they are hard. People and situations change whether we want them to or not. Be the change you wish to see, the person you want to be. It will take time but even if no one else changes, by living this way you will live a life that is rewarding and full that you can be proud of with few, if any, regrets.

I actually have the healthiest relationships I’ve ever had, now that I’m an adult. I’ve learned skills that bless my life in many areas and in many ways. My family members love and support me now in ways they were not capable of just a few years ago. It can get better.

I hope that there is someone in your life who will help advocate for you whether it is your sister, an aunt, a grandparent, your au pair, or someone from the rink. I hope that you will be able to continue to skate even if it requires some detours along the way. I hope that you realize that it takes a special person with a lot of heart to face what you are facing so young with such maturity and courage. I have a feeling that this experience will bless you and those around you in ways you cannot necessarily see at this time if you will dig deep and find ways to keep moving forward. Don’t give up. We are rooting for you.
Gianamama

Ok Cindy, I think your parents may be looking at bottom line. Your sister has a shot of becoming a top athlete (and making tons of money. They probably think that at your age, it is unlikely that you will be able to catch up to be a national/international figure skater. So they may think it is a waste of resources. You tell them that even though you may not be Olympic bound, figure skating can be a future career. Coaches in my area make more working part time than the majority of the people I know in my field of finance. Once you get to a certain level, and I don’t even think it has to be top level, you can coach as early as highschool in group lessons and that has the potential to repay whatever mom and dad shelled out. You could tour the world or country in an ice show. I am sure with a little research you can find much more to support this line of thinking. I wish you luck.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Yay! You called her Cindy. I hereby sprinkle you with magic goodness.
Erica

It sounds like you’re frustrated with your parents rather than your sister. I think this is good, cause sibling rivalry and jealousy causes sooooo much pain.

I think adopting a rink mom is a great idea! It doesn’t even have to go further than encouraging you to keep trying when you keep falling on the same jump over and over again, or being genuinely thrilled when you skate a clean program or land a new jump.

I really hope your parents don’t make you stop skating, cause it sounds like you really love it. I think this is unfair, as i’m sure they spend a lot of money on your sister’s passion, it’s not unreasonable to want them support your passion as well. At 12 its hard to contribute much financially, but maybe you could babysit, or take on extra chores to help out in return for skating.

It’s NOT fair. But having spent too long being an angry jealous teenager myself, my best advice to you is to realise this, accept it, and get on with your own life. It’s hard when you’re at home and dependent on your parents for so much. Explain to them (calmly, in writing if you don’t trust yourself to stay calm in a potential argument) how much skating means to you, and how you’d feel if they took it away from you.

If the worst happens, remember you’ll survive. You might find another passion that your parents support. But if you don’t, you can always return to skating as an adult.

Thinking of you Cinders! xxxxx
Cinderella

Yeah. Its not my sisters fault. she’s awesome xxx
Cinderella

And thank you so much for the advice xxxx
NYsk8erMom

Okay, this is old advice but remember the girl that was skating and coach mom was rough on her. You had her write a letter to her mother and it actually helped. That’s my advice. Talking to your parents is nice but sometimes parents close off their ears when a child (no matter what age) is talking. However, they can’t close off their eyes. So write a letter to your parents telling them your feelings. Tell them that you know your sister is very talented but you would like to share your talent equally with them. Why can’t one parent come with you and the other go with your sister? Then they can switch it up on different days? There are two of you and two of them. Show your support for your sister by going to some of her practices/competitions periodically and ask her to do the same. By showing support for each person, you’ll all create a great bond with each other and memories to last a lifetime. Make sure you mention all of this in your letter. Good luck!
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

NYsk8erMom, you are brilliant! This is good advice, Cinderella. Better than me and my snotty bit about leveraging your trophy bedroom.
Isabellem1998

I’m 12 – 13 soon, so I understand how angry you must feel. Hope the nasty situation you are in resolves itself soon. I love skating.
Cinderella

Thank you xxxx
Cinderella

Haha actually, my sister has been acting like a fairy godmother lately!!! she insisted that they gave me my room back!!! But everything else is pretty much the same…will try NYsk8erMom’s idea and write a letter – thank you!!! xxxx
Lynne

I’m glad to hear that your sister is supportive of you and this situation isn’t driving a wedge between the two of you. This isn’t fair, and in my opinion it’s not right, but unfortunately this happens in many families. Keep letting your parents know how much skating means to you. Find a rink mom to support you. I know I’d gladly support a skater whose parents weren’t there for her or him. And if the worst does happen and your parents won’t pay for your skating anymore, as soon as you can get a job you can start skating again. Or maybe you can find ways at the rink to work off ice-time.

I feel for you because my passion was, and still is, horses. My parents didn’t understand my passion, so I only got to ride occasionally. Once I graduated from college, I took up lessons and rode from that point until a year ago when my son’s increased skating took over my riding budget. And I fully intend to get back to riding sometime in the future. So don’t give up on skating as it can be something you do all your adult life.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this and I hope you parents don’t pull the plug on your skating.
http://www.halushki.com/ Josette at Halushki

Icemom, you’ve answered this beautifully. I have nothing to add. Only some cyber hugs for the young skater.
Josette at Halushki

(p.s. I’m using my real first name. It’s not like the pseudonym and my real name were that far apart anyway. )
Cinderella

Thank you. I do too lol. Hope you get back to riding soon xxxx
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Thank you, Josette! I was worried about using the trophy room as leverage, but I figured that it would work really well. If I were in this situation, I’d totally use it. Again. And again. That doesn’t make it right, just useful.
AS

This was really tough for me to read. It’s crap when parents say they don’t have favorite kids – some are just better at being fair than others.

I, like others who commented, am a 2nd (or 3rd) favorite child who’s managed to thrive. You can make it through and be just fine.

One day, you’ll realize that although it’s still painful to think of some of these things, you’re not bitter anymore… one day, you’ll accept your mom and all of her traits and ridiculous decisions as just being part of her – take it or leave it – and you’ll either be fine with what she can give you or you’ll just move on… It might suck right now, but when you’re an adult with your own life, you’ll probably treat your kids awesomely and you’ll be surprised to find how much all of that stuff that happened when you were twelve doesn’t really matter anymore.