How to Manage Sneaky Figure Skating Ice Trolls

Patient reader Superbrainy wrote to me ages ago. She kindly sent me a reminder that I’ve buried her e-mail (thank you!). Here it is:

My topic suggestion is “Ice Trolls” – having been very fascinated by references to your local troll. My 5 y/o started both ‘big school’ and skating this year. Her teacher says she’s very popular at school and has no social troubles there, and it’s plain she’s incredibly enthusiastic about skating. There’s quite the little pack of 7 y/o madams where she skates. There are two girls vying for queenship and I’ve always thought of them as being little trolls-in-training. Here’s a (sadly frequent) example of what is making my DD sad:

Troll One rarely lets a week go by without skating up to interrupt DD and tell her she’s doing everything all wrong, whilst Troll Two’s favourite topic is “can you do X yet?” and “I can’t believe you can’t even do Y!!!” DD is already very aware of what she can’t do. She was utterly shattered bythis treatment in the beginning. One of her first days on the practice ice I was initially pleased when Troll One skated up to her - I thought they’d make friends (oh dear, silly me). DD was faced away from me and I only realised there was a serious problem a minute later when her coach zoomed over at top speed from the other side of the ice to scold Ice Troll and very angrily send her on her way (DD was then carried off crying). I consoled myself with the idea that Ice Coach was clearly aware of the Troll’s behaviour, was keeping an eye out for my DD, would intervene when necessary, and after all DD was going to have to learn to deal with ‘girls behaving badly’ at big school anyway. I even managed to sell DD on the compliment of older girls being interested in seeking her out.

I’ve made every effort to befriend the mothers-of-Trolls, and have managed to subtly weave “my DD gets a bit upset by being critisized by the big girls she admires so much” – which went down pretty well (ha – I must have sounded more sincere than I felt) because I have heard those mothers occasionally call out “that’s enough – go practise” when they’re obviously being Trolls to DD.

But as we’ve settled in to school and rink life, my concerns about the Trolls are growing rather than shrinking. The Trolls are sneaky girls, and there’s something quite unique about the ice rink that makes verbal bullying much easier to get away with. In almost any other environment I could strategically post myself in a location which would minimize bullying just by being in earshot. But I can’t do this in the middle of the ice (even if I was a skater, which I’m not), and the coaches are busy people who would respond to tears if they see them but otherwise can’t follow skaters around to eavesdrop on poison comments when the Trolls are supposed to be doing their post-lesson practise anyway. DD only skates once per week at the moment, and we can’t change days to avoid the Trolls because they both skate 5-6 days per week.

Anyway, the ‘stiff upper lip’ strategy of braving it out (DD smiles, shrugs, ignores, changes the subject) seems to be encouraging it even more if anything – because they’re getting away with it. In fact I can see it’s slowly becoming a regular pack event to go and toy with my DD. I’ve no idea why my DD is being targeted most since she’s not the youngest or the only 5-year-old – although she is by far the shortest so they might think she’s only 3-4?? (Height doesn’t seem to be a social disadvantage at school).

I doubt jealousy is behind it since they really are good skaters and DD could barely march when she started – and their mothers were more than a little indiscreetly surprised that Ice Coach had been so keen to take her on at such an early stage!! Perhaps the Trolls have just adopted their mothers’ contempt for my DD’s lack of competence when most are so much more advanced when they start privates, and they forgot what real beginners looked like?? Or DD’s slower progress than the other girls who skate much more often?? Then again I only care to understand the behaviour if there’s a remedy that goes with it. If you or anyone else has any suggestions for managing on-ice verbal bullying I’d love to hear them!!! Many thanks in advance!!

In my day job as an education writer, I’m able to explore topics that interest me and talk to experts in the field. Bullying, both cyberbullying and covert social aggression, are topics that really interest me. Assistant professor at the University of Denver Erin Willer has done a lot of research about covert social aggression, especially girl-on-girl bullying. She told me some things that surprised me.

The bully is usually a girl who’s a teacher-pleaser. Adults usually like this kid and are surprised to learn she’s a bully.
The bully is usually a popular girl who keeps her group of friends in line with intimidation.
The target is often the bully’s former friend or maybe a social rival.
Much of the bullying is covert. In other words, the bullying is done in a way that is difficult for adults to detect.

Caring adults. The bully’s target needs caring adults she can trust with the knowledge that the bullying is going on. Adults need to advocate for the bully’s target and try to stop the bullying behavior. They should talk to parents and coaches and maybe meet with the bullying child. The problem is that kids often don’t tell adults about the bullying. They’re embarrassed. They don’t want to make the bullying worse. They don’t want to lose their ice time or their cell phones. If your child starts avoiding the rink when normally she loves it, if she avoids the computer or cell phone when normally you have to pry the devices from her hands at bed time, if she is trying to make herself as unnoticeable as possible (skating in a corner, sitting way off by herself), you might want to ask her if someone’s been mean to her.

Support group. A kid who’s been bullied needs a strong, supportive group of friends around her. One of the biggest problems with bullying is the bystanders’ tacit approval. Kids who witness the bullying event don’t step forward to defend the target or tell the bully to stop. By standing around and doing nothing, they are giving quiet approval to the bully and her behavior. Parents need to reinforce with their children the importance of standing up for friends or speaking up when they see someone hurting another kid.

That’s not cool. One of the best things I’ve heard an adult say to a naughty kid is, “That’s not cool.” The gal I’m thinking of is a guidance counselor and has plenty of practice using those words on real teens in real bullying situations. When she said “That’s not cool,” to some misbehaving boys, they immediately stopped what they were doing and wanted to distance themselves from the incident. The words are very powerful, I think, because the reason kids bully or misbehave is to appear cool to their friends. Isn’t she a smart woman, my friend?

Confronting Ice Troll Mom. In the same way, parents, even Ice Troll parents, want to give the impression that they are good parents. I once confronted the mom of two rink trolls with just that line. A New Mom joined our club and put her two daughters on the ice. Both new kids were, and still are, very shy. New Mom told me that the two little rink trolls told one of her shy daughters that she (shy daughter) was a lousy skater and shouldn’t come to the rink at all. New Mom said she’d made a mistake when she joined our club. I approached Ice Troll Mom and started my conversation like this: Hi, Ice Troll Mom. Look, this is uncomfortable to say, because I know you’re a good mom, but your little ice trolls have said some pretty mean things to Shy Skater. Just leading off with the I know you’re a good mom bit really helped. Well, she didn’t punch me in the nose, she talked with New Mom, and she disciplined her little trolls. She didn’t talk to me for nearly six months, but I’m totally cool with that. Why would I need to be social with Ice Troll Mom?

Ice Girl with her head held high. Superbrainy, I can’t tell you why the ice trolls have selected your daughter as their next victim and I’m very sad that they have done so. If it were me, I’d totally advocate for my child. I’d confront the moms, talk to the coaches, and eyeball those trolls from the rink stands. But let’s be honest, here. Ice Girl probably wouldn’t let me do that. We had some bullying trouble on Ice Girl’s synchronized skating team last year. An ice troll was really mean to Ice Girl just before a competition. I had left the building and came back to a posse of moms and coaches telling me that everything would be O.K. The girls are just high-spirited because of the competition tomorrow. High spirited my right butt cheek. I told them that bullying is not O.K., no matter what the circumstances. They’re lucky I didn’t pull my kid from that team and never look back.

However, I talked to Ice Girl. I insisted on going to the makeup and hair bonanza the next morning. She told me to stay away. Ice Girl wanted to handle it. She’d done nothing wrong, she said, and she intended on going to hair and makeup with her head held high and a smile on her face. Show no fear, Mom. That’s what I’m going to do. Ice Girl said that if Mommy came to protect her, she’d lose face in front of the other girls. But, if she went in smiling and confident, she’d win over people who thought she’d been treated poorly. I shook my head and told my baby that she should call me if she needed me, my loud voice, and my shoot-first, ask questions later attitude. It turns out, Ice Girl made the right decision. Had I insisted she quit the team, she’d have been a pariah at the rink. Had I sat in the hair and makeup room and scowled at the Ice Troll, Ice Girl would have lost face. The best revenge is living well, Mom. Yeah, yeah. Those are my words kid, and they’re for you, not me. Of course, I was amazingly proud of her for both her maturity and her bravery. I like to think she got the bravery bit from me, at least.

Do you think the researcher is right? Is it the popular, adult-friendly girl who’s usually the aggressor? How do you handle the Ice Trolls? Do you approach the parents? Do you talk to the coaches? Do you strap on your sword and start swinging at anything beast-y, hairy, and bratty? Me, too. Well, I would, if Ice Girl hadn’t taken my sword from me and hidden it…

Thank you, Superbrainy, for your excellent topic and your patience. So sorry I buried your e-mail! If you have a question for me or a stumper for the Advisory Board, I encourage you to e-mail me. If you think I’ve lost your e-mail, e-mail me again. I’ve been swamped at work and at home, so I welcome all the nudges and reminders I can get! E-mail me at IceMom.Diane@gmail.com.

Photo credits:
Little Monster: Mary and her camera / Mary on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Monster Date: vancouverfilmschool / Vancouver Film School on Flickr.com Creative Commons
rock monster: kathryn_rotondo / Kathryn Rotondo on Flickr.com Creative Commons
monster [blanket]: jonfeinstein / Jon Feinstein on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Bryce Monster 006: kylewest / Kyle West on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Bubble Monster: audi_insperation on Flickr.com Creative Commons

Lynne

I wish I could help, but the whole mean girl thing is foreign to me as I have all boys. And although my skater has been bullied and teased by other boys before, ignoring the teasing and showing no reaction in front of the creeps has worked for him. I think boys need to see some sort of reaction, and if the target can ignore them, it’s no longer fun for the bully and he moves on to another target. Girls seem to know that they’re getting to someone, even if their target appears to ignore them. It’s too bad that you can’t avoid these ice trolls, and unfortunately kids usually learn their bad behaviors from their parents. One thing to tell your daughter is that these kids are skating 5-6 times per week, which is like 5 or 6 weeks of skating for her, so it will take her longer time wise to master skills, but not necessarily lesson wise. Good luck and I hope these trolls don’t ruin your daughters love of skating.
Anonymous

The mean girls usually are adult pleasers. The non-adult pleasers can’t usually get away with anything because the adults are already watching them like hawks, waiting for misbehavior. The “good” kids want to be the “it” girl to everyone, parents, coaches, other kids. They also want to make sure they don’t lose that position in the eyes of those who matter. So they go after anything that looks like it might be a possible threat to their position at the top. Although they probably wouldn’t be able to say this if asked, they probably do feel threatened by the fact that the young kid is taking lessons because it means the coach sees potential. And although they are on top now, she might eventually catch up. They can’t ask the coach to not give lessons, but they can scare away the kid. It isn’t right, and it shouldn’t happen, but it does. I don’t have a lot of advice for dealing with this because I didn’t really find any good strategies while I was growing up (I had more school problems than rink problems…). You can’t really avoid them or ignore them, so you just have to decide if you like skating more than you hate dealing with these kids.
yoyomom

We have a couple of “trolls” at our rink. One troll in particular thinks she owns the ice and all the younger, smaller, less experienced skaters scatter like rats the minute she starts speeding around the ice. She doesn’t necessarily bully with words unless you count the usual “Get out of the way” yelled at you as she skates by) but man does she bully with her actions. My skater has learned to stand her ground — she used to scurry out of the way but now she pretty much stands her ground. I’ve heard her say loud enough so that “troll” hears, “I put a sticker down to skate and that’s what I intend to do even if others think they own the ice.” You go girl!

There are a few other skaters who are the “backhanded compliment” types. My skater just smiles and says “That’s nice, thanks for the compliment.” and off she skates, ending the conversation leaving the compliment giver feeling foolish (I hope)!

As parents, it’s hard to sit and watch troll behavior but you have to hope that you’ve given your skater the right tools and courage to stand up to bullies. Sometimes it’s better to let them work it out on their own, however, if it becomes apparent that the bullying is causing too much stress, then by all means, talk to the parents or make a statement loud enough so that the troll hears it and knows you are aware of the situation. Hopefully, they will get the message and the bullying will stop. It’s an uphill battle sometimes, especially when the trolls learn it from their parents. Good luck!
Jennifer

This poor kid. I remember when I was young I’d say to my parents, “I wish I wasn’t a girl. I hate girls.” I still stand by that a lot of the time! Not too long ago, my daughter came across some rink bullies and, as has already been said, they were the adult pleasers. The coaches, committee members and parents practically worship at their feet. A lot of them – infuriatingly – are thought of as being among the club’s top skaters, too. It was a group of about eight or nine and they victimized most of the little kids, as well as kids their own age (my daughter being one of those). They’d run off with minor pieces of her equpiment, call her names before claiming that it was all “a joke”. After a while, she came to me very upset and said, “Mom, I don’t want you to tell [my coach] or anybody at the rink, but [these girls] are being really mean to me. Do you have any advice?” I respected that she didn’t want me to rush to her coach or the skating director, but warned her that if it went on much longer and/or got any worse, then I’d have to report it.

I told her about back in the day – I was a snowboarder, and at the lodge I had a bunch of cute, talented, adult-pleaser girls being little b*****s. They’d do things to me like these ice trolls were doing to her, and after a while, it started to upset me, too. Unlike my daughter’s skating club where there’s a very good support system for things like bullying, I didn’t really have an adult in my corner, so I had to find away off getting them off my back myself. After both trying to ignore them and trying to fight back (neither of which worked) I came up with a pretty effective remedy. Whenever I went to the lodge, I focused completely on my training and working hard. I found that, when I was completely focused on what I was there for 1) They couldn’t get to me since I was in my “bubble” (as I described it to my kid) and 2) My snowboarding started to improve, which boosted my confidence, plus made the trolls a little jealous. After only a couple of weeks of doing that, they soon backed off , realizing there was no point. My kid tried this, and it worked for her almost instantly, too.

I’d advise telling an adult first, but often, kids don’t want that, even if it’s the best idea. This is understandable. If this mom’s kid is anything like mine, and is really against saying anything, I would try my plan of action and just focus on skating! It’s nice for it to be social, too, but you know, you wouldn’t be at the rink if it wasn’t for your skating. Good luck!

By the way, sorry this comment is so long. I have way too much to say for myself, especially on issues like this.
keeponskatin

This sad that these bullies are starting at such a young age. I was shocked when my DD started being bullied at our rink and she was only 9. She had skated for about 3 years and was very social with lots of friends. One adult-pleaser ice troll, with an ice troll mom decided she didn’t want to be friends anymore with my DD and began the mean bullying process. I tried to let my DD work it out on her own, but when it became apparent that the bully was being supported by her mother in the bullying, I put an end to that. It was very hard for my DD to understand why everyone at the rink seemed to like this ice troll girl so much and how she ended up getting away with how she treated her. She thought they were friends and it broke her heart. It was her first experience with the mean girl syndrome. It also was very hard for her to understand why the other girls who are her friends watched what was happening and didn’t do anything about it. Or sometimes they even went along with it. No one stood up for her. Several years later the ice troll and ice troll mom are still at our rink. We have learned to deal with it and ignore them. My DD still has lots of friends at the rink, but most are also friends with the ice troll. A few have figured it out, but not many. I think at such a young age as 5 it is unfortunate that this is happening to your DD. One of the things that really worked for us was for me to make it very clear to the bully by loud comments I made to my daughter (that the bully could overhear) that I knew exactly what was going on. I used to be very friendly with the ice troll and her mom. Now she avoids me like the plague. She knows I have her number and acts really nervous if llok at her or walk by her. I also give her “the stare” quite often so that she knows I haven’t forgotten what happened. I don’t know what the rules are at your rink about parents talking to their kids when they are on the ice, but if posssible it might be helpful to “nicely” redirect the ice trolls when they skate up to your daughter by getting their attention and telling them to let her practice or by calling your daughter over and making sure the ice trolls see you talking to her each time this happens. Most kids know when they are being watched by adults and if they know that you are going to intervene, that might be enough to stop the behavior for now. I would also continue to talk with the coach about it and make sure he or she is aware if it continues. It surprised me that my DD’s coach knew everything that was going on before I ever told her. I think seasoned coaches are fortunately (or unfortunately) aware of the bullying dynamics that figure skating seems to bring in to play. Hopefully if adults at the rink are more proactive and stop the behavior before it goes any further, the ice trolls will get the message.
Susan

Mean girls learn it from someone else, and in our case, it was their mothers. The mothers, when confronted, all said just about the same thing: Our kids needed to toughen up and not listen. It’s that kind of sport. We said, no, your daughters are completely out of line. The dressing room was the worst place. I knew my daughter had something said to her when one day she got ready for skating at home, and put her skates on with guards so she could just walk to the ice. Then we noticed a few other girls that did the same thing. We switched rinks after a while because we went from getting dressed at home, to not wanting to skate at all.

I will say that this sort of behavior experienced by my daughter at age 9 made her very well prepared for High School. Isn’t that a backhanded compliment to the sport of figure skating!
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

That reminds me, Susan! Get this:

I was at our club’s board meeting a few months ago and a board member and parent complained about a coach yelling at her figure skater. Her figure skater was not one of this coach’s students.

Two members of our board (including the president) have this coach as their daughters’ coach. They said pretty much the same thing and laughed about it.

“Well, your kid just needs to toughen up. Our kids hear it all the time.”

I said that they signed up for that treatment. Other skaters did not. It went *nowhere,* which is disappointing.
Guest

This is the main reason that my daughter is no longer doing synchro this season. She was the youngest & smallest on the higher level team and was repeatedly left out & ignored, only to be made fun of during “team building” because she wasn’t comfortable with the others. I also took it to the team manager, then to the head coach, only to be told the same as Susan–that it’s tough being the youngest and that she needed to learn to deal with it. She loved the sport & now wants nothing to do with it– this after 4 years competing! It broke my heart, but I had to let her quit. I saw how it affected her as the season went on. She finally told me that she just hadn’t had fun and that she didn’t see that changing because the team would have the same girls on it this season. What could I say to that?

By the way, the ring leader of a lot of the issues on the team is an ice troll & is greatly encouraged by her mother, who also sits on the synchro board, so no help there. She’s just the best skater at the rink, don’t you know (at least in their minds). The really sad part is that she was once the youngest on the team & bullied/ignored by the older girls. I guess the only lessons she learned was how to do it to others & not how to keep others from being bullied. I won’t let that happen with my daughter.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

Hi, Guest. I am totally with you. Ice Girl was the kid picked on at the synchro team last year. It’s nonsense. And guess what? We didn’t get a discount because one of the girls was a total troll.

It’s a shame, isn’t it? I don’t know how a person leaves a synchro team mid-season. Leaving the mafia might be easier.