The Care and Feeding of Figure Skating Coaches

I’ve documented the frustrations of raising a teen, but the truth is: Ice Girl is my pride and joy. She’s my only child and I’m crazy about that kid. Sure, she loses anything that’s not attached to her body, texts at all hours of the night, and locks herself out of the house All. The. Time. But she’s a good kid with a kind heart. I’m not exaggerating when I write that she’s like Mary Poppins at the rink. Little kids spontaneously follow her. She loves it and so do they.

I remember back to the time when I had to choose day care for Ice Girl. Finding a good fit for Ice Girl was agonizing. It’s the same thing with teachers. Some teachers really connect with Ice Girl, and some don’t. When I find one who does, I want to hold on to that teacher with both hands and never let go.

I feel the same about Ice Girl’s figure skating coach. Ice Girl and I totally stumbled into our relationship with Ice Coach, but I’m very grateful for it. Ice Coach has become a role model for Ice Girl; someone she can admire and look up to who isn’t Mom or Dad. Ice Coach is a positive individual, is responsible, on time, and caring. I know I can call Ice Coach if I ever have a question or concern and I’m pretty sure she feels the same way about me.

Ice Coach and I sometimes have co-parenting discussions about Ice Girl. She asks me about The Boyfriend and I ask her if we need to revisit Ice Girl’s goals. I’ve been known to let Ice Coach take the parenting lead on some things like setting priorities: school / skating / social. Once, when Ice Coach and Ice Girl had time between warm up ice and a moves test, I asked Ice Coach if she’d take my kid school shopping. Ice Girl was thrilled that someone with fashion sense was going to take her to the mall and I think Ice Coach had fun, too.

So, this post is for Ice Coach and all the figure skating coaches out there to whom we trust our babies. Thank you so much for being a caring adult for my child. Thank you for being a voice of reason when my teen tunes me out. Thank you for leading by example and helping my daughter find things inside her we never thought she had: persistence, drive, and ambition. You improve my figure skater’s self esteem every time you praise her and I know that a large part of her wants to be just like you. I’m totally cool with that. I’d like it, too.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (tomorrow in the U.S.), here’s my list for nurturing a good parent-figure skating coach relationship.

Be on time. Ice Coach, I’m not great at this, but we’re working on it. Some nights I work late at the real job; some nights I blog late here at the fake job. Ice Girl is a master at avoiding bed time; she’s been doing it for nearly 15 years now. I know my apologies aren’t enough and we’re working on being more timely. Now that Ice Dad has been driving to 6 a.m. ice most mornings, I think that Ice Girl is on time more often. I’m not really sure. I’m too busy hitting snooze.

Pay for missed lessons. Here’s a glimpse of one of my recurring nightmares: I hit snooze and notice that there’s no way we’ll be able to make it to 6 a.m. ice. I’ll have to make the awkward phone call to Ice Coach and try to live with the guilt that comes with making another human being wake up at 4 a.m. for nothing. You bet I pay for that missed lesson. I also reschedule that same week, if Ice Coach and I have time free. Do I feel good about this? Well, no. I feel lousy because I’ve stood her up. But I’m not about to stiff her on the lesson fee, too. As much as I like her, she’s running a business and that business is working with my kid. I’ve already built up resentment by standing her up; I’m not going to ruin the relationship further because I’m petty and cheap.

Call early and reschedule. Occasionally, I have to reschedule one of Ice Girl’s lessons. As soon as I know that we’ll have to reschedule, I call Ice Coach. I might be on the way to Urgent Care or knee-deep in a biology project. Either way, I let her know as soon as I can that we’re having trouble making a lesson and that we’ll reschedule. I prefer to give her 24 hours notice so she can work in another student, but that’s not always possible if Ice Girl’s running a temp or running behind on a big homework assignment. We try, though.

Take an interest. It’s one thing to coach from the stands (PSA Commandment Three; Hey, Mom. Stop Coaching from the Stands), but it’s quite another to show an interest in your skater’s progress. I like talking about what Ice Girl is learning during her lessons and I like to learn about her progress. I ask how I can support Ice Girl’s goals and learn all I can about the sport. Parent support for figure skating shows the coach that you value her work and that of your figure skater. I’ve been known to drop Ice Girl off at the rink and run some errands, or better yet, let Ice Dad haul Ice Girl to the rink. But I still make an effort to touch base with Ice Coach and let her know that I’m supportive of hers and Ice Girl’s efforts.

Pay on time. Ice Coach works with my precious baby two-three times a week. I never want the relationship to sour because I haven’t paid my bill. The coach-skater relationship is too important to throw away on late payments and petty misunderstandings.

Go the extra mile. Sometimes we surprise Ice Coach with a little treat. Ice Girl and I have shown up at Ice Coach’s full-time job with smoothies and snacks. If we have coffee, I try to pick up the tab. If she needs help at Learn to Skate, I can tell new parents where to find the rental skates. It’s not big stuff, but it’s just nice. I’m not doing it for any other reason than I want to help her out because she’s given my figure skater poise and a self esteem boost.

Say thank you. In the past, I’ve included little thank you notes from Ice Girl or me in the envelope with her check. I haven’t done it lately, but I should. Ice Girl almost always thanks Ice Coach for the lesson and I try to, too. The best thank yous are those that are specific. I really like how you use Dartfish when Ice Girl is learning her jumps. I know the feedback helps her. Thank you.

Send photos. When Ice Girl attends a competition, I usually buy a photo CD of her program. I print photos for the grandparents, myself, and Ice Coach. The photos are thoughtful, a nice thank you, and reinforce the idea that the coach-student-parent relationship is important to me.

Ice Girl and I are so lucky to have a great relationship with Ice Coach. I am thankful.

Do you have any suggestions about the care and feeding of your skater’s figure skating coach? Do you agree with me that the parent-coach-skater relationship is very important to a skater’s success? What are you thankful for? Please share in the comments.

Do you have a question for Ice Mom or a dilemma for the Advisory Board? I have a question to post this Friday, but no Advisory Board questions for December. Let’s put those gals to work! If you have a suggestion for a blog post, write me an e-mail. Who knows? I might just throw your question out to the crowd. E-mail me at: IceMom.Diane@gmail.com

Photo credits:
Feeding the Chickadee: emples on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Feed the Firefoxes: Glutnix / Brett Taylor on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Feeding the Squirrel: petergtrimming / Peter Trimming on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Trying to feed the goats: photojenni / Jenni Douglas on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Feeding time [penguins]: madnzany / Edward Webb on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Crocodile feeding at Billabong Sanctuary: Christian Haugen on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Feeding my Pet [beetle]: nmarshall42 / nick marshall on Flickr.com Creative Commons

Erica

Great post!

Don’t Play Coaches Off Against Each Other – if you have more than one coach, understand they may have different ways of teaching, and you/your skater can benefit from this difference. Don’t go in with “well coach A doesn’t make me do that” or “Coach B said this was fine” when one of them says something you don’t like. It may or may not be true, but that doesn’t take away from what the other coach is saying.

Coachs Are People Too – they have lives. They might love to spend houses cutting music for your skater, or reading up on IJS regulations. But they might also have other jobs, families, friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, holidays etc. Don’t harrass them (unless they’re the type of person who benefits from harassing and they tell you to bug them until they do something).

Never Say Anything Bad You Wouldn’t Say To their Face – Just good manners! If you absolutely have to vent, do so to someone totally unconnected with the rink and skating in general, regardless of how bored they look. If your coach isn’t approachable enough for you to disucss your concerns, maybe its time to assess whether this is the right coach for you.

Believe in Yourself – your coach believes in you, respect that by believing in yourself.

Always Go To a Lesson with a Postivie Attitude – who enjoys spending time with sulky, unmotivated, argumentative people? Even if you’ve had a really bad day, try to shake it off before your lesson. You won’t learn if you’re determined to be miserable, and you’ll make your coach miserable trying to teach you!

Also, i think you covered it, but remind them how great they are! If coach seems to be having a bad day or feeling a bit down, being told how much you appreciate what they’ve done for you or your skater is a great way to bring a smile to their face. One of my coaches has her kitchen covered in little cards or notes the kids have made for her, it’s so sweet and costs nothing.

I love my coaches!
Erica

Oh, and one of my coach friends told me a quote about how a good coach has to treat their skater like a little bird, holding them tight enough to guide them, but not too tight so they can’t spread their wings and grown. And if the coach does a good enough job, and the skater grows and gets better and better. And then the skater will eventually s*** on them!

Don’t be that skater!
Ann

After going through 5 coaches (2 left to have children, one was let go from the rink and one was not a good ‘fit’ for my child) We have finally found a wonderful coach. She’s encouraging yet knows when to push. I’m also an adult skater and would love to take from this coach. She’s older and the Skating Director and she knows her stuff. I’m going to try and do some of the things you suggested!!
Michelle

I have a wonderful relationship with my Iceboys coach. He has been skating with her for over 8 years now so he has grown up with having her as another “parent”. This relasionship was reinforced at the beginning of this year when he was selected to go to an overseas competition and I asked him would it be okay if he just went with her, his response “Mom, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I know Ice Coach better than you”
I think it is wonderful that they have this special relationship and I think its one of the reasons he continues to skate!
http://www.halushki.com/ Josette at Halushki

This post made me teary eyed.

First of all, thank you so much to Ice Girl for allowing you to share her journey with us, as well as your own.

I know that this is all anonymous, but it’s a rare and wonderful mom-daughter team who puts forth this level of introspection, allows commentary and discussion initiated by their day-to-day goings on, and so lets us inspect and meditate on our own parent-child relationships with an eye to always improving them.

You love for, your pride and joy in Ice Girl comes through in every post…and we all kinda think she’s a pretty cool kid, too.

And thank you, Ice Mom, for this space and for all your hard work. I know what writing every day – even every other day – means as far as time taken away from family and/or sleep. You are a machine and a superstar and we appreciate the heck out of you.

And yes, thank you to all the wonderful coaches in our lives and in the lives of our children. What a blessing and just plain good luck to have found other adults who do, really, help us co-parent our children on their way to being hard-working, disciplined, healthy adults who will carry all their good sportsmanship into their real lives beyond skating. Thank you for helping us to give our children the skills for a lifelong sport which will always, we hope, be a source of joy, creativity, new friendships, and just great fun for them.

Happy Thanksgiving, all!
Anonymous

I so love “our” IceCoach. He’s the best. My wish for every child is that they find an IceCoach that is the right fit for them and their family. I thank the universe for “our” IceCoach every day.

We pay on time and when OIC doesn’t bill correctly, pay the right amount (it was short one hour the other month). It’s the least we can do for someone who does so much for my IceBoy. I also do my best to respect his time, not monopolize it and not call unless it’s very necessary.

One thing we are not so good at is figuring out what are nice little “surprises” and larger surprises for OIC.
I’m sure we will get some help in this area soon .
http://xan-boni.blogspot.com/ Xan from XanBoni

Thank god for parents like you. Putting this on my FB page, and every parent on there better read it and in fact tattoo it on their forearms.
anothersk8mom

Here, here!! I second this comment!
anothersk8mom

Here, here!! I second this comment!
anothersk8mom

Here, here!! I second this comment!
http://icemom.net/2010/11/ask-the-ice-moms-what-to-give-ice-coach-for-the-holidays.html Ask the Ice Moms: What to Give a Figure Skating Coach for the Holidays? | Ice Mom.net

[...] in showing appreciation for those who work very closely with my child. (See last week’s post: The Care and Feeding of Figure Skating Coaches.) I’m not saying that a parent should bribe the coach, but it’s good to show the coach [...]