What Parents Can Learn from Figure Skating Coaches: Consequences

Parents often decide what’s best for their teens, while coaches would rather let them learn from the consequences of their own actions.

“The Difference between a Parent and a Coach,” Carter, Izumo, and Martin

I have to tell you: I’ve experimented with allowing my teen to learn from the consequences of her own actions. Darn, my kid is a slow learner.

I am sitting across from Ice Girl at our kitchen table. It is very late at night. She just had a four-day weekend. For most of that weekend, I told her to do her homework. I don’t have much, she said. I will when I get back from The Boyfriend’s house. *Insert excuse #557 here.*

You know what happened, I’m sure. The homework didn’t get done. Heck, it didn’t even start until 10 p.m. I told her not to think about complaining about how tired she is tomorrow morning.

My first parenting instinct was to tell her that she couldn’t go to The Boyfriend’s house, couldn’t watch that movie on TV, couldn’t have just 10 more minutes on Facebook. Do your homework first.

I knew that I had this blog post waiting for me, so I thought I’d try it. After all, it works for Ice Coach, doesn’t it? She puts Ice Girl in the harness, but lets Ice Girl fall. Not hard, of course, but she lets her fall. That’s good. That’s how she learns not to overbalance or something. If Ice Girl tries and fails at her flying camel (a.k.a. the flying chicken), Ice Coach just has her try again.

I tried it and here I sit across from Ice Girl who is typing an essay and panicking.

She just said that she’ll never do this again. Mom, I’m so sorry.

Am I just over tired or did I just realize that this consequences thing actually worked? Sure, Ice Girl worked herself into a corner of her own making. Sure, she didn’t have her homework done before 10 p.m. on a school night. But I think she just realized that she’s overbalanced or something. Maybe next time, if I give her the choice, she’ll do her homework first because she has seen the consequences (late night, fatigue, grumpy Ice Mom) and she doesn’t like them.

I’m not really sure if the parent-as-coach experiment worked or not. I guess I’ll have to wait until the next homework crisis and find out. In the meantime, I’m off to bed, where I’m hoping to dream about inventing a homework harness.

Reference: Carter, C., Izumo, G., and Martin, J. (2004.) Stop Parenting and Start Coaching: How to Motivate, Inspire, and Connect with Your Teenager. Denver, Colo.: LifeBound. p. xii

Have you tried this natural consequences coaching thing or do you just lay down the law? Are you inclined to watch your child make a mistake and learn from it or are you the kind of parent who helps prevent mistakes from happening? Do you have a homework harness? How does it work? Do you tie it around your skater’s neck, or do you string ‘em up like a marionette? I’m mulling over both ideas…

Do you have a question for Ice Mom or a dilemma for the Advisory Board? Do you have a suggestion for a post you’d like to read? How about a homework harness? A safety net? Send me an e-mail. I’d love to discuss your homework harness design. IceMom.Diane@gmail.com

Photo credits:
cardinal parent child: rocketjim54 / jim simonson on Flickr.com Creative Commons
mother and baby [foxes]: mindluge / joe robertson on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Mamma dacci da mangiare…[swallow parent and chicks]: fabrisalvetti / Fabrizio Salvetti on Flickr.com Creative Commons
Momma Amur Tiger and Cub: orchidgalore / Elena Gaillard on Flickr.com Creative Commons

Liv

Great post. And awww the fox and tiger pictures are both so cute xxx
Jozet

I think the hardest part is knowing when to still insist on a behavior or allow for consequences. Pretty early on, I allowed some natural consequences: it’s 45 degrees outside and 7 year old refuses to wear a coat. She’ll be at bus stop, then a 15 minute recess at school. I’m okay with natural consequences being the teacher. However, if it’s 25 degrees…well, you know how kids sometimes get a little squirrelly to prove a point?

With high school homework, I can understand the balancing of “let her learn her lesson” with the fret of “Oh, boy, maybe this is the start of slackdom and failing classes and having a 20 yo living in my basement instead of going to college.” Which I think is not a justifiable worry for parents of kids who are pretty disciplined but who just have moments of being, well…kids. Still doesn’t stop me from thinking it.

My general rule for younger kids is something like, “I can’t allow natural consequences for anything that would be physically unhealthy, will hurt someone else, is morally wrong.” But that gets gray as they get older, doesn’t it? For instance, with a 7yo, I might do more active teaching as to why it’s not okay to say mean things to other children; for a 16 year old, well, I figure her friends will let her know pretty quickly what they think about a bad attitude. My 9yo still needs to develop the habit of sitting down to do homework every night and learn techniques for getting past distractions; my 11 yo still needs some reminders, but I’ll let her dig herself into a hole from time to time to remind her why being organized and putting work before play is important.

And right now, I’m procrastinating on getting laundry done…what was that about modeling the behavior we want to see?
Anonymous

I admit, am the parent who tries to prevent mistakes. I am the human homework harness. I have been trying to change so that I allow consequences to occur more naturally. Skating is a great way for my IceBoy to learn from mistakes and “misfortune.”

While not really mistakes, things like not passing a test in time to skate at a qualifying level or not qualifying for a national competition, while earth shattering in the present, are not life threatening or permanently devastating. After these events, my IB has realized the more improvement in his skating than when he achieved the goal of qualifying.

In watching this process happen, I feel better about allowing him to “fail” or make mistakes more often so that he can learn for himself. I know I’ll survive his losses LOL.
Jozet

“human homework harness” – LOVE that!
Lynne

I tend to parent by the let them learn the consequences of their actions rule, unless it would be physically harmful to someone or mean to someone else. I’ve found that my boys tend not to repeat the same mistake if they’ve had to deal with negative consequences, where as if I nag, I have to nag all the time. I will run them back to school for a forgotten homework assignment or book, since everyone forgets things now and then, and I have been up late typing papers while they dictate to me since I’m a much faster typist than any of them. I will make suggestions that I think would be good for them to follow, like “It’s pretty cold out, you might want to wear your heavy jacket instead of a sweatshirt”. But if they choose to wear the sweatshirt, as long as there isn’t a chance of frostbite, I’ll let them be cold. With my skater, I have to remind him of our schedule to help him organize his day. And if I’ve asked them to do something and they haven’t done it, like put their laundry away, I will interrupt them when they’re doing something fun to have them do the job I asked them to do.
http://icemom.net Ice Mom

What is with teens not wearing coats? It drives me nuts.I did not do the coaching thing this morning when Ice Girl tried to exit the van in a tank top and jeans. It was 30 degrees!Instead, I snarled. Where is your jacket?She pulled out a flimsy jacket, thew it on, and stalked off.Definitely not a coaching moment for me.
Holly Diane

Since I’m not a parent, I can’t add much to the discussion. But it’s a beautiful post.