Dec 3, 2010

Posted in Ask the Ice Moms, Coaches, Featured Articles, Parenting | View Comments

Ask the Ice Moms: My Mom and My Figure Skating Coach Hate Each Other. Now What?

Ask the Ice Moms: My Mom and My Figure Skating Coach Hate Each Other. Now What?

Reader Casey is caught between her mother and her coach. Here’s what she wrote:

I’ve been working with my coach for five years now, and at regionals last month, she and my mom fell out over a can of hairspray – it sounds ridiculous, but the actual situation is pretty complicated and I don’t really understand it. Whatever it was, it resulted in my mom calling my coach a precocious, idiotic little girl who should have been spanked more often as a kid (she said that, not me) to her face in the locker room at regionals just before the long program (thankfully nobody seemed to notice!). Then they started saying some pretty harsh things and my mom had to leave the arena before I’d even skated – needless to say I was in such a total mess. I didn’t qualify for sectionals!

The first practice after we got back from regionals, my coach gave me these really cute earrings to say she was sorry for putting me in that position and she said she’d like to talk to my mom and apologize and stuff, but my mom said she never wants to have anything to do with her again. My dad has been taking me to practice since the fall out and keeps trying to make my mom talk to my coach, but she won’t. She’s said she wants me to keep skating but change coaches, and even though my coach played a part in an argument that put me in a really awkward position, I still want her as my coach as I really like her and would just feel weird skating without her. Do you have any advice?

Note from Ice Mom: Casey is 14, her coach is 36, and her mom is 48 years old

Sk8rmom p, personal trainer and mom to an intermediate-level male figure skater and a Junior Nationals competitor

First and foremost, a high-level skater needs to have a cohesive team around her/him.  Think of a ripple when a rain drop hits the surface of a still pond.  The ripples or concentric circles are the visual for the following:

  • Right at the center of these increasingly larger concentric circles is the skater.
  • On circle closest to the skater are the primary coach and parents.
  • In the next circle are the other support staff (specialty coaches, off ice teachers, personal trainer, nutritionist, sports psychologist).
  • Fill in the next circles with friends and family who support you.
  • Finally, the community, region, section or country who support you.

Everyone in the circle interacts with the skater in varying degrees.  The farther away from the skater, the less critical they are to the skater’s “career” goals.

The parents and the primary coach being the closest to the skater in the diagram, they do the most for the skater, and it is critical for them to communicate to the skater and to each other.

If something like a stick is in the pond (lack of communication between parents and coach), the ripples have to find their way around around it, and the perfect symmetry of the pattern is lost.  The ripples, instead of moving outward smoothly, curl back on themselves, move back to the center and cause disturbances at the center point (skater), so you can’t do your job.

You have to have a smooth running team.  This is not to say that everything is smooth all the time, but even with disagreements and differences of opinions, the communication must be clear, or everything gets messed up.

I would encourage you to talk with your Mom, tell her how much she means to you and how much you need her to be on board with you to reach your goals.  Maybe she is a little envious of the relationship you have with your Coach.  Maybe you are quick to take sides with your Coach against her.  Moms are human.  We love our children to the stars.  You used to be all ours, and now we have to share you.  Reassure your Mom by letting her know that you miss her at the rink and you know that the situation is hard, but that you really would like to try and make it work with your coach.  See if she will speak with your Coach, maybe they could make it work.

It might be a good idea for them to figure out what the coach’s role is and what your Mom’s role is.  During competition, does Mom get your hair and make up done or is Coach in charge of it?  I check my IceBoy’s costume and then send him off to his coach (his coach isn’t into details, like buttoned cuffs and tucked in shirts).  But I don’t give him a pep talk or tell him how to skate.  From one hour before the competition until after the skate, he is with IceCoach, no parental involvement.

I need to get IceBoy to the rink at the right time for practice, make appointments, make sure that school work is done, and pay the bills.  I help keep him emotionally and physically healthy.  If I didn’t do my job, then his IceCoach would not be able to do the work he does.

If your Coach doesn’t appreciate that she needs your parents to help you to reach your goals in skating, then she is indeed immature and will learn the hard way.  It sounds like she is ready to apologize, and maybe enough time has past that your Mom has cooled down as well.

You need your parents and your coach UNITED if you are going to skate high level and succeed.

If this situation is irreconcilable, then I hope you consider changing coaches.  You are stuck with your parents, they will love you no matter what.  A coach, though hard to leave at first will move on and you can too.

It’s hard enough to succeed in the sport, you don’t need the handicap of a broken team.

Good luck!

Pairs Mom, mom to 1/2 of this year’s Midwestern Sectionals first place Novice Pair.

The reality is that adults make mistakes and it seems like in this situation, both adults made mistakes.  I am convinced that “Communication” between skater, coach, and parents is one of the most important keys to success in this sport.  I am sad to hear that you were disappointed with your skating at Regionals and while that happens to many skaters it is unfortunate that this incident affected you at an important competition.  I would suggest that you sit down with your mom and let her know how you feel about your coach and that even though they don’t see “eye to eye” that maybe you both could decide together where to go from here.  I’m afraid that the only way that you can continue to train with your present coach is if they both agree to discuss their differences in private, away from the rink, and out of the public eye.  If this is not going to happen then unfortunately your parents (which includes your mother) pay the bills and you will probably be looking for a new coach.  Good luck to you!

Allison Scott, mom to an Olympic figure skater, survivor of many rinks, professional communicator, new grandmother, and blogger at Life on the Edge.

Someone has to suck it up and be the bigger person. Since the coach is the one getting paid, I would suggest a letter from the coach to both parents AND the skater apologizing for the behavior and exploring ways of communicating. Whether she feels she is right or not isn’t the issue here; it is freeing up the lines of communication. Obviously, this situation cannot continue. Ultimately, it is the skater who loses and I don’t think the parent truly wants to hurt the skater, otherwise the situation would have been resolved with the coach’s dismissal immediately following the incident.

I know I keep coming back to this, but this is the “asset” here. Your child is the only one who is important. It sounds like the mom and the coach have to “put on their big girl panties and get over it” so everyone can move on in a positive atmosphere. If the skater had more than a reasonable chance of making it to Sectionals and this truly destroyed her chances because of the distraction, the parents are the losers here. They have lost 1)money, 2)time, 3)their skater’s respect and 4)perspective on what is really important.

Xan, adult skater, figure skating coach, parent of a Junior Nationals competitor and show skater, and blogger at Xanboni, Sconeday, and Mahlzeit.

First of all, I assume that getting to sectionals was a realistic goal, in which case the mom and the coach should both be fired for putting this girl in that position. (Although, frankly, if she wants to go far in this sport, she’s going to need to get over that sort of thing. Jenny Kirk’s mother DIED ON THE WAY TO THE RINK at Nationals. Joannie Rochette won freakin’ Olympic bronze in a similar situation.) At any rate, the skater deserves an apology from the mom as well as the coach.  Oh, well. Skating moms. Can’ live ‘em, can’t hang ‘em by their thumbs ’til they beg for mercy.

So, all, ahem, humor aside, the parents hold the power in this situation. If Mom’s writing the checks and really doesn’t want this skater with that coach, all she’s got to do is stop paying. Coach will have to eventually drop this girl, and then no one else will take her because of the unpaid bill and bad blood.  Since they don’t want it to get that far, I would suggest asking if they can team teach with another coach for a while (this will add some cost, but might be worth it), or turn the current coach into the choreographer for the balance of the season to maintain the relationship.  Unless the mom relents, I can’t see this working. It is extremely difficult to maintain a good coaching relationship when the mom is fighting it. If the bad relationship persists, eventually the coach is going to say something about the mom that the girl cannot forgive.

Let’s see, sneakier, manipulative tactics:

    • Skater tells the mom that she (the skater) does not want to have to be the grown up in this situation, and that the mom needs to step up and make it right.
    • Skater tells the mom that as long as she won’t deal with the coach, Skater will simply stop telling Mom about anything to do with skating.  Skater will then need to arrange with Dad and friends to get to the rink.
    • Make this even more effective by putting on a sad face when Mom asks how practice was, and say “I’m afraid to tell you, because you’ll be mad that I work so well with Coach.”

You get the idea.

SeasonedSk8rmom, adult skater and mom to a novice-level singles skater and synchronized skater who just passed five dance tests!

With all due respect, I think the mother is acting more immature than the coach. I don’t have all the details of the argument or the past history of the relationship between the coach and the mom, but if the coach is trying to rectify the problem and possibly apologize for the argument, then I think that is very mature. I think that her mom needs to swallow some humble pie and talk to the coach. She is only making it more difficult for her daughter to skate successfully. I think that the daughter should invite the coach over for dinner or the coach invite the mother, father and daughter over for dinner and they should talk. If that does not work, then I think the skater should find a new coach because it will only become more difficult for her to be successful if her coach and her mother are fighting. She needs everyone’s support in this sport to be successful. I think the coach should realize the undue stress this is putting on her skater and recommend a new coach for her skater if she can not work the problem out with the skater’s mother.

When skaters go to regionals, it is a very stressful time for everyone. Things can be said or done that would not have been if the people involved were already under the stress of the competition. I hope this helps! Season

Ice Mom, mom to Ice Girl, a high school student and preliminary figure skater.

I wish I could sit down with Casey’s mom and coach and tell them: Look. It’s not about you. It’s certainly not about hairspray. It’s about Casey and her needs. This is her journey and you both need to set aside your egos and petty arguments to support her. It’s about what’s best for the skater, not winning some dumb argument about hair products.

I’ve written this so often, but the research is out there: the single best predictor of a student’s success with a teacher is NOT the teacher’s knowledge, NOT the teacher’s organization, and NOT the teacher’s feedback. The single best predictor of a student’s success with a teacher is the personal connection between teacher and student.

So, while I’m sit with Casey’s mom and coach, I’d point out that Casey feels comfortable with Coach. She and Coach have a relationship that includes trust, respect, and a five-year history. Both adults need to honor that. Casey will do better with Coach because of their personal bond. That’s not just me saying it. That’s cognitive science.

The unfortunate reality, Casey, is that you are the youngest person involved in this drama, yet you seem to be the most adult. I’m not holding my breath that your mom is going to forgive Coach any time soon. So, I’m asking you to take my place and sit down with your mom and your coach. Separately, I’m sure, but sit down with them and level with them. It is a waste of money and time not to do what’s best for you. What’s best for you is to keep the coach with whom you already have a deep personal connection.

Stay on message, Casey. Don’t allow either one to side track you with why she was right about the Aqua Net. Stay calm. Repeat those two big truths: what’s best for the skater and personal connection with coach. Do not point fingers, do not accuse, and don’t let them goad you into an argument. Wear ‘em down with the truth, Casey.

When each woman has exhausted her petty points and agrees to do what’s best for you, state your demand: I want you to meet with Mom/Coach and work this out like adults. Stress the adults thing. It underscores your maturity and how their actions have been childish.

This is not an easy course to take. Other figure skaters who have sent the Advisory Board questions have been successful with the heartfelt, truthful letter. You can write a letter to both Mom and Coach. Use the arguments above. Assure them that you know that each woman loves you and wants the best for you. Tell them you want them to meet and work out their differences like adults so you can get back to being a great figure skater and not a referee.

Good luck, kiddo!

Take the poll! If you don’t see your choice listed, leave a comment below or in the poll itself. What would you do if your skater’s coach ticked you off? What advice would you give Casey? Please leave your words o’ wisdom in the comments!

Do you have a question for Ice Mom or a huge problem for the Advisory Board to tackle? Do you have a suggestion for a blog post topic? Send me an e-mail! I love e-mail. IceMom.Diane@gmail.com

Announcements:

  • Can you take a minute to fill out the Ballet Survey? This poll will end at 11:59 p.m. CST on Friday, December 10.
  • Annette Thomas, author of Fundamentals of Alignment and Classical Movement for Figure Skaters and Lessons in Classical Ballet for the Figure Skater, will review the Ballet Survey results and write a guest post about the data on Wednesday, December 15. You can visit Annette’s website, Ballet for Figure Skaters.
Photo credit: Ball Fight: CarbonNYC / David Goehring on Flickr.com Creative Commons

  • Anonymous

    It seems like there must have been some tension between the mom and the coach before this, and the hairspray was just the catalyst that started the explosion. Regionals is very stressful for everyone, so I can understand why things blew up, although it doesn’t excuse the behavior. There is already so much unavoidable drama in skating – between skaters, between coaches, between synchro team members – that having drama between two people who should be working together toward a common goal is unnecessary and a waste. I agree with many of the suggestions above – the skater should talk to both parties separately, the coach should probably be the one to make the move to apologize (even if she didn’t start it), and the coach and mom should work out some sort of competition arrangement so that it doesn’t impact the skater. I think the situation might be fixable – if the mom wasn’t going to budge she would have dropped the coach already I think. So maybe there is some hope that things can turn around. It just requires adults to act like adults, which can be difficult at times.

    Also, while I agree that the skater needs to be able to distance herself from the drama while she is competing (difficult though that is), I don’t think it is fair to compare this to Jennifer Kirk or Joannie Rochette. What happened to those girls was tragic, unexpected, and unavoidable. They used skating to express love for their mothers, and used it to elevate their performances by finding a special and touching source of motivation. In this case, the skater was at the center of an argument that seems petty, unreasonable, and more importantly, avoidable. When everyone is angry it is hard to feel motivated, and even more so when worrying about screwing up and making the situation worse. So while those skaters were very inspirational and brave, I don’t think that necessarily helps in this situation, as the emotions and context are very different.

  • Patricia Kuhnis

    Hi, I’m interested in writing a guest article for you blog, could you get back to me at patricia.kuhnis at gmail dot com.
    Thanks,
    Patricia

  • http://www.halushki.com/ Josette at Halushki

    There is one great truth in all this: it’s never just about the hairspray.

    All good advice to consider.

    My gut instinct was in line with Sk8rmom p: it’s tough as a mom to hand your children over to other people and then witness them having a good, strong, nurturing relationship. On one hand, yes, we should be glad there are so many people out there to care for our children. On the other hand, we moms sometimes have dark days when we wonder what our role will be, eventually, as our kiddos move further and further away from needing us in the same ways they had when they were younger.

    Anyway…I don’t have anything to add to the above advice. Other than to remember that most people act out of some positive intent; it’s just that some times, they go they negative route.

    You have two adults in your life who do want what’s best for you. Keep reminding them of that. :-)

  • Kym

    Very true about the Jenny/Joannie thing. Those performances were to express love, and this poor young lady probably wouldn’t have been in the best of moods with her mom at this point and certainly wouldn’t have felt like doing her any favors (of course, she’s not to be blamed for this). Also, Jenny and Joannie had support of coaches, family etc. whereas it seems like this girl had nobody since her coach played a huge part in the fallout. You can’t expect anybody, let alone a 14-year-old, to act like the adult AND Miss Super Competitor of the Century in a situation like this. It’s awful to be the one caught up in a dispute as big as this one sounds, especially, as has been said, in the midst of a highly stressful competitive environment.

  • Newbie

    What stood out to me about the drama was that mom DIDN’T sack the coach. Could have. But didn’t!!
    What mom DID (is doing) is avoiding the coach is a way that allows the coaching to carry on but without mom having to face her and resolve the conflict between them.
    This strongly suggests to me that mom knows deep down that coach is the right one for her child … if not for herself. And it seems she agrees that the right coach for her child is what really matters.
    I’m sure mom is wishing Casey would decide she’d rather have a new coach. Then mom would never have to resolve anything.
    Maybe Casey hasn’t been clear enough yet about how much she values coach and doesn’t want any other. Maybe making this clear to mom, plus letting mom know how detrimental it feels to be caught between the two most important women in her life is the catalyst mom needs to take a chill pill, swallow some pride/resentment, and extend some willingness from her side to make peace.
    I actually feel pretty optimistic for Casey. Surely mom and coach are both sufficiently resolved in the end goal (happy progressing skater) to brainstorm enough options/boundaries for the future to avoid a repeat drama.

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