Figure Skating with Strings Attached

I am so familiar with this behavior. I was brought up on it. Scenes so familiar; Mom threatening not to pay for the rest of my college since I have come home with a “bad attitude” (translate: not want to do things her way). It wasn’t ever grades, I was self motivated, but it was other things during the summer when I was home. No wonder I went away for college?! LOL.

I really try hard not to do that to my IceBoy, especially since he is the type to punish himself suggesting he stop skating or wanting me to ground him. Sometimes not having external consequences is the hardest to deal with because you are the only reason things didn’t turn out okay. You can’t blame your Mom for taking something away from you, you have to focus on what you did to get yourself in the mess. I believe it’s called natural consequences…(sometimes he is so upset that I will actually give him some type of tangible consequences just to make him feel better, he’s just so hard on himself.)

Anyway, believe me, everyone in the family is better off if he skates. I will get so exasperated at times, that I want to play the skating card, but in his case, it is just not appropriate. Playing it would serve to go in the wrong direction. I usually play the “computer time” card… It’s not so emotionally and financially weighted for me, and it sure motivates my IceBoy.

Skating, is such a benefit emotionally and physically, etc, it teaches discipline and is in general very positive. If something is a good thing, I don’t mess with it. On the other hand, video games, searching the net and FB, well, I probably couldn’t survive without it, but it’s benefits in general are nowhere near the benefits of skating.

So I don’t play the skating card…

Hubby and I combine our income so it’s “our money” paying for skating. He hasn’t threatened to take it away (he better not…LOL)…i am my own motivation. If I had a kid that I’m paying skating for, I could just do the same approach as you Ice Mom, that as long as grades are at least a B average, chores are done, etc then skate away. But I will not use it to get things done “my way” for major things that should be my kid’s decision, like, “You can only go to this college and major in this or no more skating”. There is negative reinforcement and positive reinforcement, and I think the positive route has better outcome in the long run. I think the conditions you set for Ice Girl are super reasonable and is the best for her and her skating.

I don’t take away skating, but I do toys and playdates. I wonder if there was an agreement that mom will pay for college only if the grades are A. I know I would do that. Kid has to get the A’s and if not kid needs to make decision on how to get A’s. And if not , kid has to figure out how to get the money. They can cut ice time for a job, or they can cut other time for a job. I did not read that Friend said they will take away skating just that they will not pay for college classes. I do think if mom and dad are paying for college, they have a right to give thier expectation for that money. I always tell my DD who goes to private school. She must get A’s, I paying for exellence, I can get mediocre for free in public school!

You know, my Mom loaned my husband and me money for our first condo. What a nightmare. She was constantly checking out “her investment,” and when we sold it, she expected us to put in all new flooring so she could make more on “her investment.” While we lived there, my husband painted rooms for her, trimmed her many trees, cleaned her garage, etc., etc. because she’d pull strings.

It’s a miserable way to live.

I certainly don’t want to do that to my own kid, but I also don’t want her to waste the opportunity we’ve given her. It’s a dilemma, isn’t it?

I have a friend who is in a similar situation to the example given here. Her parents paid for college and told her that if she went and got an MBA they would pay it all and she owed them nothing. Girl did not want an MBA. Girl wanted to be done with school. So the parents told her she had to pay them back for ALL of her undergrad fees, housing, and other costs. This is something like $80,000. The girl had no job while in school (parents forbid it so she could focus on academics), so she has to live with them because she can’t afford a place of her own. She has been working 90 hour weeks at what I would consider a non-career type job for the past two years to work off her debt. I really don’t think that this situation was productive at all, as she didn’t have the freedom to pursue a career, and instead was forced to take a local job because her parents wanted to keep an eye on her since they feel that they “own” her. To make matters worse she has since gotten engaged to a guy they very much disapprove of, and so her parents are trying everything they can to break up the engagement. It is to the point where they may not go to their only child’s wedding because of the tension and problems they are creating because they feel like she is theirs to control. The thing is, they didn’t even come up with the funding arrangement until she was nearly finished with college. Until that point I believe she thought they were just going to pay for her, and was unaware of the MBA stipulation at all. Actually the theory is that the parents didn’t come up with the MBA stipulation until they felt like they were going to lose control of their daughter. So they made an arrangement where they would gain control of her for another few years, no matter what she decided to do.

So I suppose the point is, if you are going to use something as a threat, mention it BEFORE your child makes a choice. I know in real life you can’t always know the consequences of your actions ahead of time, but in terms of dealing with kids I don’t think it is fair to make up a punishment after the fact. The point is that they are supposed to weigh choices, make decisions, and then deal with the consequences and learn from them. If they don’t know that there are decisions to be made or consequences to be dealt with, then they won’t make the decision and they won’t learn anything from it, except that “mommy is unfair and mean.”

In terms of using skating as a take away item, I don’t think that is a good idea except for really big screw ups (such as perpetual bad grades). But with skating there is so much involved with money, coaches, carpools, etc. that taking it away affects more than just the kid. Also, taking away the exercise is just going to leave them moody and grumpy and restless which is not going to make anyone happy. Taking away things that are more at home/leisure sorts of items would be better I think. These things can be totally in your control and won’t affect other people (other than maybe communication with skater’s (boy)friends). Some things that come to mind:
* Taking away the cell phone once the skater gets home and turning it off. Skater gets phone only when they are without parent for emergency reasons, but other than that no phone. This prevents ridiculous amounts of texting and talking when there should be more working.
* Taking away video games, video game stations, tv, etc.
* Monitoring computer use. Set up the computer in a public place so you can watch skater do homework. Tell skater you WILL look at the browser history (for that day only) if they are taking too long, but let the skater be with you when you do this so they know you aren’t snooping.
* If it is just a homework issue, have the skater write down everything they need to do, show you the checklist when they get home. Then, periodically check in and see what they have accomplished. Don’t take anything away unless it is proving to be an obvious distraction. If the skater feels like they have shorter deadlines (it is due to my mom in an hour rather than it is due to teacher in 3 days) then things are more likely to get done on time. Also, you will know what your skater is doing in school, and maybe figure out what was distracting them before, or if they are just having problems with the work itself.
* Use things as a reward instead of a take away. If skater does all of the history homework, they get 30 minutes of video game time or something like that. Let them get to a stopping point before making them put it away so they feel satisfied with the reward and not frustrated by time constraints.

I think skating should be conditional on a skater behaving like a reasonable human being (allowances should be made for their age, but not extreme tantrums), getting good grades, doing chores etc. They’re all things you skater shoud be doing anyway, and if skating provides extra motivation, then great.

But skating is for your skater. So no “land your axel or we quit paying for your skating” rules. I don’t think it’s fair to expect your skater to be better than you otherwise would expect them to be, jsut because you pay for their skating. Like if you’ve always been happy with a B average, why should they need to get an A to carry on skating?

Erica, you totally nailed the distinction between expectations and string-pulling.

But skating is for your skater. So no “land your Axel or we quit paying for your skating” rules. I don’t think it’s fair to expect your skater to be better than you otherwise would expect them to be, just because you pay for their skating. Like if you’ve always been happy with a B average, why should they need to get an A to carry on skating?

Honestly, I feel pretty relieved that you hit upon this truth. I’m not requiring Ice Girl to land her double twisty-thing by the end of the year. I’m just requiring her to do her work to keep the skating time.*whew* Thank you, Erica, you clear thinker, you.

I think it is the parents’ right to set expectations if they pay for school/college. But these expectations have to be made clear in advance. My kids are very young now, but I can very well see that I will have such expectations/rules when they grow up. I may agree to pay for some colleges but not others; I will for sure have an expectation that they finish their degree in a timely manner, etc. I’m not sure if I’ll require any specific grades, rather expect that they do their best. But this has nothing to do with skating, I would have these rules for any child, regardless if they do any sport or anything else or not.

As far as skating or any other sport is concerned, I expect them to work hard during lessons/practices, and at least finish the current term that has been paid for. I don’t have any rules for how much they have to achieve, just work hard. There is a reason for this: in skating (in the US, at least), everybody progresses to the next level at their own pace. So it’s almost impossible/doesn’t seem reasonable to set hard rules like “you have to pass your Basic level 4 in x months”. But in some places, it may be easy to use the level/accomplishment to make your point. For example in dance. At our dance studio, most kids pass one level in one year. If, for example, I see that my kid doesn’t work hard, I will tell her. If in addition she doesn’t pass her level this year, I will use this fact to say next year that if she wants to continue dance, she’ll have to practice her moves at home and make sure she is doing well in the class. To make it clear: the main thing I am actually watching is her work. But it’s easier to make my point if I can refer to her progress/level.

I’m generally with you Icemom. I rarely take skating, unless the infraction or bad behavior is directly related to well…skating. There are other things that are less productive (computer time, video games, friends over, allowance) to use as leverage, to me, rather than something like skating. I did, however, ban my 16 year old from a costly horse show that required her to miss 5 days of school for having grades below expectations…but to me, those two things are related directly.

Aww thanks Icemom!!!

I guess it’s easy for me to say though, cause I’m not a parent myself!

My daughters are in high school.

There is an assumed rule in our family that the children need to maintain at least B grades in the classes in order to continue their extracirricular activities. My daughters have no problem doing this most of the time. However, I try not to be overly quantitative about it bacause I want them to focus more or learning than stress over grades. For example, one of my daughters took a very challenging math course in high school. It was a major stretch for her and she struggled with it a lot, especially in the beginning. I watched her work her butt off night after night for hours on her problem sets. She stayed after school for one-on one time with the teacher for help. The first marking period, she got a C+ for that class on her report card. I chose not to take away her ice time because she demonstrated that she worked as hard as she possibly could have. All of her other grades were A’s. I did not think it was right to “punish” her for not meeting a grade minimum when I know she had tried her very best. Sometimes, even when we work our hardest, things don’t work out the way we want. I think its important that we not be too hard on our kids and teach them to accept that failure happens and it isn’t the end of the world.

Had she begun to slack off on her homework or started getting C’s in all of her classes, I probably would have cut back on the skating to help her get back into focus. I think it is important to closely monitor your child’s effort in school, but not be a bean counter when it comes to grades. In addition, I think having the skating was a way to help her cope with the stress of those tough classes.

My mother threatens skating for everything. I can have a bad day and she’ll say something to Dad that maybe I shouldn’t skate anymore. If my schoolwork/chores aren’t done, I lose an entire day of skating (and I only skate twice a week, so it is a major hit.)

Today, I made dinner and put it in the crockpot to eat after coming home from skating, cleaned the horse stalls and washed dishes so I could convince her to let me start skating another hour of freestyle after my private lesson. I can’t just simply ask. I have to earn it.

If I wasn’t so extremely self-motivated- with a plan to become a coach-, I’d have probably either quit or become a recreational skater by now. But through my willingness to clean, my devotion to schoolwork and my kitchen adventures/disasters, I prove that I am willing to give up anything and everything for my sport.

I agree. Erica nailed it.

There are priorities, and as parents, I don’t know that we always rank them the same as our children do, nor is one priority always going to be number one, two or three.

I agree. Erica nailed it.

There are priorities, and as parents, I don’t know that we always rank them the same as our children do, nor is one priority always going to be number one, two or three.

Yes, this is where we are right now. We’re having a tough pre-teen month, and my daughter keeps shifting ways to express her pre-teen angst.

The past two weeks it’s been skating, and her behavior at the rink has been…not stellar. I’ve gotten myself into some situations I didn’t want to get in because she took our mother-daughter “stuff” out onto the ice and kept making big scenes, even when I retreated to the lobby. Ugh. It wasn’t pretty and I ended up making a big scene…the final answer was to pull her off the ice for a few days.

The most I threaten is probably to take away the “level” of skating. The break-neck pace of testing, moving up the ranks so quickly because of age limits…it’s been a really stressful year for her – even the good stress of doing what it is she said she wanted to do – and for me as I wrote out checks, trying to stay clear on just what we were doing here. So, on those few weeks when she was more interested in playing out some Greek play between me and her and using skating as the stage, it was easier for me to just take away the skating.

I think her teen hormones on one side and my pre-menopause on the other side is going to make the next six or seven years a very …interesting time.

Good luck on getting more skating time Sierra! You have the right attitude. I hope your parents see how special you are!

I work hard not to do things like this to my child. It’s not easy since it was the way I was brought up, but I totally agree with positive reinforcement and recognition of things done well rather than punishment and reduction of privileges.

I’m an Adult skater and 2nd year college student. My parents pay both my skating and my education and I’m really thankful for that, but I also feel guilty because I’m 20 and I still depend on my parents. I’ve talked with mom about starting a job, but she said I won’t be able to cope with everything, and that she likes that I love figure skating so much. But I still feel guilty. I’m not very good in house work but I try to get better. And this year I had an A and a B on midterms (I have more tests in December and I hope I’ll do well).
I totally understand how your friend feels. But I think parents should help their children (even if they’re grown up) without making them feel guilty. Working and studying at the same time is really hard – I admire your friend and I think her parents should be proud of her even if she’s not perfect.

I recently found this blog, and though I’m only a pre-teen ( really close anyway ) I find myself enjoying it. Due to recent situations I had to quit figure skating for a session. It was ( and still is ) really hard. I will be starting up again in January. Yipee! I just can’t figure out how to show my mom that I really deserve to skate. She understands it makes me happy, but doesn’t get why I should skate as much as I did before. It makes me really sad to think about how I skated before and how I will be later.

Be as helpful and polite as you can. Do things like clean up your room or the bathroom or set the table *before* you are asked to. Don’t just do it for a week, but try to make a habit of it. My best advice is don’t do these things just because you want to skate, do it because you want to help and you will be rewarded. As for skating, you’ll be amazed how easily it comes back to you. Remember that skaters have to take time off all the time, for example with injuries. They are able to get back their skills if they work at it. Keep a positive attitude and practice hard. You’ll be back where you were probably sooner than you think. Everyone matures with age, and things get easier because you understand better how to work harder and more effectively. Good luck!

I heard this, this weekend and thought it very appropriate:

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Enjoy.

It is the exact same thing with me!
I had a D in algebra and she said as soon as it was a C i could skate.  That was a month ago and  now i have an A (100%) and i still cant skate.
I have plans to start soon but my  mom neversticks to any promosis.
Good Lick nd perservierance helps.
Try to get on your parents good side.